THOUGHTS 
OF  A  FOOL 


•••    -.nia 
Irvine 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

IRVINE 

GIFT  OF 

Mrs.  Helen  C.   Smith 


THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 


THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 


BY 

EVELYN  GLADYS 


CHICAGO  AND  LONDON 

E.  P.  ROSENTHAL  AND   COMPANY 

1905 


MY  GENEALOGY 


MY  GENEALOGY 


f  |  ^HE  reason  for  my  foolishness  was  analyzed. 
"  Her  mother  is  to  blame."  "  It  is  her  father," 
says  another.  "Bad  training,"  says  the  third. 
I  don't  know  what  the  fourth  said,  but  I  assure  you 
that  my  parents  and  their  ancestors  are  not  to  be  held 
responsible  for  me.  There  is  a  conviction  that  abides 
with  me  that  I  did  not  inherit  any  foolish  notions.  I 
think  all  of  them  are  my  very  own.  For  my  ancestry  is 
replete  with  scintillant  examples  of  the  wisdom  of  the 
various  eras  through  which  man  has  progressed. 

Tracing  my  pedigree  back  to  the  beginning  of  history, 
and  even  into  prehistoric  times,  I  find  that  I  descend 
from  illustrious  houses  on  both  sides.  One  of  my  pro 
genitors  was  a  great  military  chieftain.  His  brother 
was  a  high  priest  of  Baal,  at  that  time  one  of  the  most 
respectable  of  the  gods.  His  son  was  a  learned  judge. 
He  had  a  daughter  whose  beauty  was  the  envy  of  all 
heathendom.  She  is  said  to  have  had  red  hair  and 
green  eyes,  and  perhaps  my  own  auburn  locks  —  but 
this  is  scarcely  germane  to  the  subject  in  hand  —  and 
she  was  virtuous  and  holy.  She  avoided  doing  any 
thing  that  could  be  subjected  to  criticism.  She  would 
not  associate  with  men,  because  men  in  her  day  were 

9 


10  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

abominably  wicked.  She  never  broke  her  vow  to  refrain 
from  marriage;  and  her  son  was  just  as  holy  as  she  was. 
The  military  chief  crucified  a  rebel,  that  his  son,  the 
judge,  had  condemned,  and  the  vast  majority  of  the 
people  of  the  country  voted  him  a  medal.  By  the  time 
the  judge's  son  had  grown  to  manhood  the  people,  who 
were  very  changeful  in  those  ancient  times,  repented  of 
the  medal  their  fathers  had  bestowed  on  the  sapient 
judge,  and  the  son  contributed  it  to  a  fund  that  wras 
being  gathered  for  the  erection  of  a  monument  to  the 
memory  of  him  that  had  been  crucified.  He  also 
helped  to  support  the  priests  who  were  now  preaching 
that  the  man  who  had  been  done  to  death  in  his  father's 
day  and  at  his  father's  judgment  was  a  prophet  and  a 
martyr.  He  demonstrated  his  good  citizenship  by 
helping  to  stone  to  death  another  rebel,  who  in  turn  also 
became  the  central  figure  in  a  religious  system.  And 
all  the  way  down  through  my  lineage,  my  forebears  have 
been  crucifying  rebels,  and  building  temples  in  their 
names  after  a  generation  or  two.  Thus  my  forefathers 
have  always  protected  the  gods  of  their  day  against  in 
novations,  and  erected  new  gods  when  they  discovered 
material  for  deification  in  the  victims  of  their  righteous 
wrath.  At  any  rate,  they  were  always  right  and  respec 
table  while  they  lived.  Respectable  people  are  always 
right.  To  be  respectable  it  is  necessary  to  choose  to  be 
right  while  we  live,  no  matter  how  wrong  our  actions 
may  be  considered  after  we  are  dead. 

If  we  are  to  take  our  choice  between  being  right 


MY  GENEALOGY  11 

while  we  live  and  being  right  after  our  death,  the  re 
spectable  people  will  always  choose  to  be  right  while 
they  live.  To  be  right  after  you  die  you  will  have  to 
be  disreputable  sometimes  while  you  live,  and  thereby 
suffer  inconvenience.  So  he  chose  to  be  right  while  he 
lived. 

The  same  story  repeats  itself  again  and  again.  The 
son  following  the  opinion  of  the  public  as  it  changed, 
and  praising  the  dead  one  his  father  helped  execute. 
And  so  on  along  the  line  up  to  the  more  recent  eras,  the 
history  of  which  is  being  taught  in  the  public  schools. 

The  children  in  our  schools  of  to-day  are  taught  to 
revere  the  names  of  the  rebels  of  the  past,  and  to  crucify 
the  rebels  of  our  own  day.  All  of  which  goes  to  show 
that  no  matter  how  far  I  delve  into  the  past  of  my  ances 
try,  they  never  violated  the  canons  of  true  respectability. 

Mother  still  has  a  manuscript  certificate  to  prove 
that  she  and  all  her  people  were  loyal  subjects  of  King 
James  of  blessed  memory — and  my  father  has  a  peck  or 
more  of  medals  that  have  come  down  to  him  as  testi 
monials  of  the  favor  which  our  house  has  ever  enjoyed 
in  the  eyes  of  royalty.  This  genealogy  ought  to  admit 
me  anywhere.  So  I  cannot  understand  why  the  nice 
little  daughters  will  not  play  with  me.  However,  the 
sons  are  not  so  distant,  and  I  am  just  fool  enough  not 
to  care  so  very  much  about  the  daughters  after  all. 


HOW  SMART  I  AM 


HOW  SMART  I  AM 


WHEN  a  person  feels  he  knows  a  thing  or 
two  which  other  people  have  been  too  stupid 
to  discover,  he  is  a  wise  person.     Then  a 
feeling  comes  to  him — a  kind  of  a  desire  to  enlighten  the 
public  concerning  the  things  they  do  not  know;  inci 
dentally — how  smart  he  is. 

The  public,  also  desiring  to  be  wise,  facilitates 
the  spreading  of  that  which  the  wise  know,  by  estab 
lishing  schools,  colleges,  universities,  and  academies, 
and  by  instituting  lecture  courses.  The  choicest 
method  with  which  to  unload  wisdom  is  by  the  book 
route.  Endowments  are  secured  for  public  libraries, 
book  stores  are  opened,  and  publishing  houses  grind 
out  the  wisdom  of  the  wise.  If  your  name  is  inscribed 
on  a  book-cover  you  are  then  officially  wise  and  are 
eligible  to  be  a  bohemian.  It  gives  you  a  license  to 
get  drunk,  to  borrow  money,  and  to  be  a  free  lover. 
There  are  only  two  other  classes  that  are  lucky  enough 
to  be  equal  to  the  book-writer  and  also  enjoy  the  privi 
leges  of  bohemianism — they  are  the  actors  and  painters. 
All  are  included  under  the  name  of  "Artist."  The 
politician  also  claims  the  privilege,  but  he  really  is  not 
entitled  to  it. 

15 


16  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

There  is  much  wisdom  in  the  world.  In  order  to 
have  even  a  slight  comprehension  of  the  extent  of  it, 
visit  the  public  and  private  libraries  and  see  the  heavy 
laden  shelves.  Then  let  a  publisher  tell  you  the  per 
centage  of  the  manuscripts  which  are  not  printed,  add 
them,  and  multiply  the  result  by  ten  thousand;  it  is 
doubtful  if  even  then  you  will  be  anywhere  near  the  mark. 

When  I  discovered  that  I  was  awfully  smart  I 
decided  to  unload  my  wisdom  on  the  public  in  the 
shape  of  a  book.  I  know  that  I  am  wise,  yet  I  am 
modest.  I  do  not  think  that  I  am  so  wise  as  the  other 
wise  people  think  they  are;  but  many  facts  presented 
themselves  to  convince  me  that  I  am  smarter  than  the 
wise  people  I  meet.  They  are  specialists;  they  are 
up  on  one  line,  and  they  talk  and  write  about  that 
particular  line. 

If  you  ask  a  person  who  has  written  a  book  on 
economics,  concerning  art,  he  will  tell  you  that  in  eco 
nomics  he  knows  it  all;  as  for  art — you  will  have  to 
go  elsewhere.  You  will  rarely  find  a  person  who  will 
admit  that  he  is  wise  in  more  than  one  thing.  But  I 
confess  that  I  am  the  proud  possessor  of  a  department 
storehouse  of  wisdom  where  you  can  find  any  subject 
you  may  desire.  Another  point  which  I  have  dis 
covered  in  my  favor  is  that  their  knowledge  is  not  abso 
lute.  When  a  person  places  before  you  the  fact  that 
he  is  wise  you  can  generally  find  another  wise  man  who 
will  prove  that  the  facts  produced  by  the  other  fellow 
are  not  facts  at  all;  and  that  number  two  is  the  one 


HOW  SMART  I  AM  17 

who  has  the  wisdom  which  you  thought  number  one 
had;  then  you  are  likely  to  hear  number  three  con 
tradict  number  two,  and  he  in  turn  asks  for  the  applause 
to  which  wisdom  is  entitled. 

By  the  discovery  of  old  fossils  a  system  of  physical 
geography  is  established.  By  the  discovery  of  some 
more  fossils  we  overturn  that  system  and  establish 
another.  This  morning  I  read  that  more  fossils  have 
been  discovered,  which  means  that  we  are  wrong  again. 
I  am  convinced  that  there  are  any  number  of  old  fossils 
that  are  walking  around  everywhere;  and  from  this  I 
conclude  that  wrongness  is  universal. 

The  knowledge  which  I  possess  is  absolute,  and 
of  such  a  character  that  any  number  of  fossils  are  not 
capable  of  upsetting  it.  The  most  important  point 
which  I  discovered  in  my  favor,  and  not  to  be  overlooked 
is,  that  the  wise  do  not  transfer  to  others  the  knowledge 
which  they  claim  to  possess.  Therefore  it  seems  to 
me  that  the  value  of  what  they  claim  to  possess  is 
overestimated. 

An  artisan,  when  he  knows  how  to  make  something, 
it  matters  not  what  it  is,  can  transfer  to  you  that  which 
he  knows.  Then  you  too  become  the  possessor  of 
that  knowledge.  A  farmer  can  teach  you  how  to  farm, 
a  shoe-maker  who  knows  how  to  make  shoes  can 
transfer  his  knowledge  to  you;  then  you  know  how, 
and  in  turn  can  teach  others,  so  they  too  are  able  to 
make  shoes.  But  suppose  you  are  anxious  to  know 
something  about  spiritualism,  theosophy,  or  any  other 


18  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

thing  that  would  come  under  the  name  of  "religion" — 
occult,  psychic,  or  cosmic.  It  requires  a  lifetime 
to  read  the  books  on  those  subjects.  After  reading 
them  through  you  possess  the  knowledge  that  the 
writer  of  them  claims  that  he  knows  something  con 
cerning  something  which  he  calls  by  a  certain  name; 
but  you  don't  know  the  something,  neither  do  you 
know  what  the  something  he  claims  to  know  is ;  neither 
do  you  know  that  he  actually  knows  the  things  he  claims 
he  knows.  After  all,  you  have  only  his  statement  that 
he  knows.  The  same  is  also  true  of  all  the  sciences 
and  everything  which  would  come  under  the  name  of 
wisdom.  They  cannot  transfer  their  knowledge  to  you. 
The  critic  who  writes  and  talks  about  art  asks  us 
to  reverence  him ;  not  for  the  thing  he  makes  us  know — 
he  cannot  do  that.  He  wants  us  to  appreciate  him  for 
the  something  which  he  claims  he  possesses  and  which 
we  lack;  and  for  the  life  of  us  we  cannot  comprehend 
what  it  is  that  we  lack.  When  the  musical  critic  tells 
us  about  the  atmosphere  and  the  lights  and  the  shad 
ows  of  the  "Aria"  sung  by  the  great  barytone,  or  when 
the  great  critic  tells  us  about  the  sharps,  flats,  half-notes, 
and  symphony  which  he  discovered  in  the  beautiful 
pictures,  he  has  not  transferred  his  beautiful  knowl 
edge  to  us.  We  only  stand  before  him  with  bared 
heads  and  admire  his  cleverness;  but  he  has  not  wis- 
domized  us;  we  did  not  get  smart  by  hearing  his  dis 
course.  The  more  we  hear  him  the  smarter  he  appears 
to  us,  and  the  "  foolisher  "  we  feel  we  are. 


HOW  SMART  I  AM  19 

A  critic  (after  confessing  to  him  that  I  did  not 
know  a  thing  he  was  talking  about),  thinking  to  pacify 
me,  once  said:  "Don't  despair,  you  will  yet  cultivate 
an  appreciation  of  art."  And  I  wonder  if  the  people 
who  have  cultivated  a  taste  for  olives  are  any  happier 
than  I  who  cannot  relish  them.  If  wisdom  is  great 
from  the  fact  that  it  satisfies  a  craving  for  a  cultivated 
desire  and  not  a  natural  one,  then  why  not  cultivate 
the  itch  for  the  pleasure  of  scratching  yourself  ? 

I  have  tapped  the  thought-waves  which  radiate 
from  the  greatest  minds  of  the  world — the  ones  living 
as  well  as  the  ones  who  have  gone  before,  and  the  ones 
who  are  yet  to  come — and  it  does  not  satisfy  me.  I 
went  to  see  Bernard  Shaw's  Candida,  and  while  I 
agree  with  him  that  there  is  plenty  of  love  in  the  world, 
it  is  not  true  that  the  reason  it  is  manifestless  is  because 
of  its  shyness.  My  heart  tells  me  that  the  world's 
knowledge  stands  in  the  way  of  the  world's  love.  It 
is  the  people  who  know  that  make  it  hard  for  the  people 
who  don't  know,  but  who  feel. 

There  are  people  who  know  things,  and  they 
know  them  because  it  has  been  told  them  by  their 
teachers  and  their  parents,  and  they  have  records  of 
the  same  from  men  of  the  past;  and  the  people  who 
have  made  the  records  know  it  to  be  so  because  they 
were  told  by  their  teachers  and  their  parents,  who  heard 
it  from  their  teachers  and  their  parents;  and  these  last 
will  in  turn  impart  it  to  their  children  and  their  pupils, 
that  they  may  know  the  antiquities.  They  have  the 


20  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

records  carved  in  stone  to  prove  that  what  they  say  is 
true.  They  are  the  wise.  They  are  the  people  who 
deal  in  well-established  houses  which  have  stood  the 
test  of  time;  they  are  the  ones  who  will  not  risk  being 
taken  in  or  swindled. 

They  buy  old  paintings,  old  books,  old  furniture, 
— buy  them  because  they  are  old  and  therefore  must 
be  good.  When  they  purchase  anything  modern  it 
is  done  only  after  long  discussion  and  on  the  judgment 
of  the  critics — who  know  all  things. 

When  they  give  anything  to  charity  it  must  be  the 
old  and  well  established.  They  are  the  foremost  in 
charity  balls,  church  fairs,  and  subscriptions  for  the 
Red  Cross  Society.  If  they  give  you  a  subscription 
for  something  untried  and  new,  they  will  give  it  to  you 
only  on  the  indorsement  of  so  many  other  names. 
They  will  say,  "I  will  subscribe  if  you  will  get  twenty 
other  influential  people  to  do  the  same."  They  are 
always  afraid  to  be  alone  in  a  thing — always  want  to 
be  with  the  crowd.  They  are  very  careful  of  their 
actions;  it  might  hurt  their  social  position.  In  the 
world  of  ideas  they  get  the  oldest  ones — and  the  older 
the  better;  and  they  will  surely  be  angry  with  you  if 
you  disturb  any  of  their  ideas. 

I  know  that  1  don't  know  a  thing,  and  this  knowl 
edge  is  so  rooted  within  me  and  absolute  that  even  when 
a  number  of  the  wise  tried  to  teach  me  something,  I 
found  after  they  were  through  with  me,  that  they  did 
not  succeed  in  convincing  me  that  I  know  any  more 


HOW  SMART  I  AM  21 

than  I  did  before  they  started  to  educate  me;  although 
they  did  convince  me  that  they  themselves  not  only 
know  nothing,  but  are  unreasonable  as  well;  for  it 
stands  to  reason  that  when  a  person  asserts  that  a  cer 
tain  thing  exists,  he  should  furnish  proof  when  called 
upon  that  the  thing  he  says  exists,  really  exists.  When 
a  man  claims  that  he  has  certain  knowledge  on  a  certain 
subject,  and  on  the  strength  of  this  knowledge  he 
wishes  to  be  considered  wise,  he  ought  to  be  ready 
at  any  time  to  produce  evidence  that  he  is  actually  the 
possessor  of  that  knowledge.  And  so,  thought  I, 
when  I  asked  them  for  proof,  that  they  would  gladly 
furnish  it.  But  they  fooled  me;  which,  of  course  is 
proof  that  they  are  fools.  Does  it  not  take  a  galvan- 
izer  to  galvanize;  a  wisdomite  with  a  stock  of  wisdom 
to  wisdomize  you  ?  So  it  takes  a  fool  well  supplied 
with  foolishness  to  fool  you.  They  asked  me  to  prove 
that  they  didn't  know  the  thing  they  claimed  to  know. 
While  their  reasoning  is  illogical,  still  it  is  logical, 
because  it  takes  a  person  who  knows  that  he  knows 
not  to  impart  that  knowledge  to  others;  and  they  in 
turn  know  not. 

I  am  an  expert  in  my  line.  I  am  awfully  proud  of 
the  knowledge  I  possess;  it  is  concrete — I  can  transfer 
it.  After  I  tell  you,  you  too,  as  well  as  I,  know  what 
I  know;  therefore  I  can  be  independent  with  what  I 
know.  I  do  not  have  to  ask  you  to  come  to  me 
before  you  go  elsewhere;  the  fact  is,  I  urge  you  to  go 
the  rounds  before  you  come  to  me.  After  you  have 


THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 


swallowed  all  the  others  can  supply,  and  consider  your 
self  wise,  then  if  you  come  to  me,  I  will  examine  you 
and  let  you  show  me  what  it  is  that  you  claim  to  know. 

That  I  know  that  I  do  not  know,  no  one  is  disputing. 
That  I  know  nothing  is  granted.  The  disputed  point 
is  your  claim  that  you  know  something;  which,  of 
course,  is  not  true.  You  have  simply  forgotten  that 
you  do  not  know;  and  with  my  convincing  knowledge 
that  I  do  not  know,  I  transfer  that  knowledge  to  you, 
by  asking  you  to  forget  that  you  have  forgotten  that 
you  do  not  know;  which  is  equivalent  to  still  not 
knowing.  Here  is  where  we  stand:  I  don't  know  any 
thing  about  anything,  and  I  know  that  I  don't  know. 
My  discussions,  therefore,  are  about  things  I  don't 
know;  and  as  I  don't  know  anything,  therefore  I 
can  discuss  anything.  You  also  don't  know  anything, 
but  you  think  that  you  know  something,  which  you 
discuss;  therefore,  you  are  limited  to  the  thing  which 
you  think  you  know.  But  in  reality  you  also  don't 
know  anything  and  as  all  of  us  do  not  know  anything, 
our  system  of  life,  which  is  based  on  knowledge,  is 
faulty,  because  we  have  no  knowledge  to  build  it  on. 

Come,  let  us  reason  together.  How  I  got  here  I 
don't  know !  What  I  am  here  for  I  don't  know !  Why 
I  should  not  love  everything  my  love  wants  to  love  I 
don't  know!  Why  I  should  not  gratify  my  love  1 
don't  know!  Why  I  should  make  myself  believe 
that  I  know  lots  of  things  which  in  reality  I  know  not 
I  don't  know !  So  I  admit  that  I  don't  know !  Why 


HOW  SMART   I   AM  23 

I  should  worry  my  head  with  lots  of  things  I  can't  use 
I  don't  know;  therefore  I  don't!  Why  I  should  plan 
and  scheme  a  life  for  myself  after  I  die  I  don't  know; 
therefore  I  don't!  Why  I  should  become  patriotic 
and  kill  people  I  never  saw,  or  get  killed  by  them,  I 
don't  know ;  therefore  I  don't !  '  Why  I  should  reverence 
the  opinion  of  men  who  don't  know  any  more  than  I, 
although  they  say  they  do,  I  don't  know;  therefore 
I  don't!  Why  I,  an  intellectual  parasite,  should  con 
sider  myself  superior  to  one  of  the  other  kind,  I  don't 
know;  therefore  I  don't!  Why  I,  one  kind  of  a  thief, 
should  prosecute  another,  I  don't  know;  therefore  I 
don't!  Why  I,  a  fool  who  knows  nothing,  should 
distrust  Life  that  placed  me  before  all  other  animals 
of  the  earth,  I  don't  know;  therefore  I  don't!  Since 
I  don't  know  why  I  should  not  trust  to  life,  and  seeing 
the  result  of  Life's  accomplishment  without  my  intel 
lectual  aid,  I  "let"  the  Life  which  is  in  me,  and  of 
which  I  am  a  part,  guide  me.  Instinctively  it  im 
presses  me  with  the  finale  of  the  things  I  need.  Of 
course  "instinct"  is  not  the  proper  tool  with  which 
to  forge  conclusions  in  this  practical  world.  The 
intellectual  method  is  to  reason  from  a  premise, 
then  by  degrees  get  nearer  and  nearer,  and  the  end 
reached  would  be  the  conclusion.  Not  being  intel 
lectual,  I  start  with  the  instinctive  conclusion;  and 
then  my  intellect  takes  the  step  which  must  be  taken 
to  bring  me  to  the  conclusion  already  concluded. 
Therein  my  reasoning  is  different  from  the  rest  of  the 


24  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

reasoners'  reasoning.  But  who  cares  ? — the  things  which 
will  make  me  happy,  I  seek;  the  painful  ones,  I  avoid. 

I  love  because  I  love  to  love !  I  get  pleasure  from 
loving,  and  why  should  I  ask  more  ?  So  you  see,  by 
not  pretending  to  know  anything,  Life  knows  me 
better  than  you  know  Life  by  pretending  you  know 
something  which  you  do  not.  So  I  let  Life  do  my  work 
— or  Life's  work,  it  matters  not  which  it  is.  The 
whole  universe  is  ready  to  help  me;  while  you,  in 
knowing,  everything  is  against  you;  and  as  you  do 
not  know  how  to  manage  Life  you  are  a  failure.  I  am 
happy  and  you  are  not.  You  are  afraid  while  I  do 
not  know  what  to  fear.  Ignorance,  you  say,  is  the 
cause  of  fear.  That  is  not  true.  Fear  is  composed 
of  unreliable  knowledge.  You  are  not  afraid  of  noth 
ing;  you  are  afraid  of  something.  If  that  something 
exists,  it  is  then  sensing  danger,  which  is  not  fear; 
when  that  something  does  not  exist — like  ghosts — 
then  it  is  fear;  and  only  people  who  know  and  believe 
in  ghosts  are  afraid  of  them.  Not  knowing  anything 
which  is  not  so,  I  sense  danger,  but  have  no  fear. 

I  don't  worry,  neither  do  I  regret.  Why  should  I 
regret  ?  If  I  have  done  something  which  resulted  in 
painful  experience,  by  avoiding  repetition  I  make 
amends.  As  regretting  takes  the  time  which  should 
go  to  make  amends,  therefore  regretting  injures  instead 
of  helps.  So,  if  you  really  regret,  you  will  not  regret, 
but  make  amends;  but  if  you  keep  on  regretting  you 
really  don't  regret. 


WHAT  CAN  YOU  EXPECT? 


WHAT  CAN  YOU  EXPECT? 


A  SETTING  hen  on  a  quota  of  duck  eggs,  by  dili 
gent  application  to  her  business,  will  hatch  out 
ducklings.  She'll  produce  you  goslings  on  a  cap 
ital  of  goose  eggs.  It's  what's  inside  of  the  shell  that 
will  count  in  the  long  run.  There's  some  comfort  in 
knowing  what  to  expect  under  given  conditions,  and 
by  understanding  the  egg  law  you  upholster  yourself 
against  the  hard  blows  of  surprises. 

As  you  sow  so  shall  you  reap.  Why  should  you 
be  surprised  that  we  have  all  about  us  an  element 
that  is  growing  stronger,  fiercer,  louder — which  threat 
ens  to  upset  all  we  hold  dear  to  civilization  ? 

You  do  not  understand  how  it  befalls  that  in  a 
country  like  ours,  so  bountifully  freighted  by  nature 
with  all  that  makes  for  human  well-being,  there  should 
be  discontent  rampant.  While  our  workmen  have 
each  a  full  dinner-pail,  what  warrant  have  they  to 
take  up  with  such  fads  as  anarchism,  socialism,  single- 
taxery,  trade-unionism,  and  the  like  ?  How  comes  it 
that  these  ignorant  people  should  allow  themselves 
to  be  swayed  by  heresies  that  threaten  to  undermine  the 
peace  of  society  ?  Well  may  we  tremble  for  the  future ! 

The  "divine  right  of  property"  is  being  impugned; 
27 


THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 


the  expediency  of  land-ownership  is  being  challenged; 
our  homes  are  in  danger;  the  family,  the  very  root 
of  social  cohesion,  is  threatened;  and  even  the  holy 
kitchen  stove  is  in  danger!  Not  an  institution  exists 
whose  raison  d'etre  is  not  under  scrutiny. 

The  wisdom  of  God — nay,  the  very  existence  of 
deity — is  questioned,  and  bold  inquiry  challenges 
creation.  Everywhere  society  is  conscious  of  peril. 
You  see  these  things  and  you  marvel.  Your  face  has 
a  look  on  it  like  one  standing  outside  of  the  grocery 
store  trying  to  recall  what  it  is  that  he  has  forgotten. 

How  could  it  be  otherwise  ? 

What  could  Laban  expect  in  mutton  futures  in 
view  of  the  transaction  he  made  with  Jacob,  his  pros 
pective  son-in-law,  in  the  first  and  second  degrees  ? 

You  remember  the  story,  how  the  wily  old  sheep- 
raiser  palmed  off  Leah  on  the  young  fellow  when  it 
was  Rachel  he  was  after;  and  how  he  had  to  put  in 
seven  more  strenuous  years  to  pay  for  Rachel. 

In  this  old  Bible  story  of  Jacob  and  his  dealing 
with  Laban  is  a  moral,  embodying  a  lesson  for  society. 

Jacob's  revach  (or  rake-off,  in  modern  vernacular) 
after  Laban  had  unloaded  the  ladies  upon  him,  was 
to  consist  of  all  the  spotted  and  speckled  lambs. 
Rake-off  was  ever  the  mother  of  ingenuity,  and  Jacob 
promptly  discovered  a  process  to  induce  sheep  to 
beget  spotted  offspring.  He  tried  a  game  of  psycho 
logic  suggestion  on  the  mother  sheep  during  bearing 
time.  He  set  up  lines  of  twigs  with  the  bark  peeled 


WHAT  CAN  YOU  EXPECT? 


off  in  spots,  which  gave  the  sheep  mothers  a  speckled 
point  of  view,  resulting  in  a  larger  than  ordinary  per 
centage  of  off-color  lambs. 

This  may  look  like  a  "dirty  Jew  trick,"  which  none 
of  our  best  people  would  countenance,  and  the  discovery 
of  such  chicanery  by  any  member  of  the  board  of 
trade  would  probably  subject  him  to  prompt  expul 
sion,  and  serve  him  well  right,  of  course,  but  what 
could  Laban  expect  ? 

There  is  an  irrefragable  law  back  of  Jacob's  for 
mula. 

Whatever  ideals  you  place  before  sheep  of  any 
country  will  secure  their  respect  and  adherence.  Your 
mudsill  may  not  achieve  all  that  your  hero  has  attained, 
but  he  will  approach  as  nearly  to  the  ideal  as  his  power 
will  admit  of  his  doing.  You  do  not  want  our  low 
lier  classes  to  be  anarchists  and  communists  and 
insurgents,  yet  you  point  to  the  anarchists  and  com 
munists  and  insurgents  of  other  days  with  fond  pride 
and  unmistakable  admiration. 

We  must  remodel  our  Pantheon.  There  are  too 
many  speckled  twigs  in  the  gallery  of  fame.  Let  us 
set  Carrie  Nation  and  her  redoubtable  hatchet  to  work 
demolishing  statues  of  the  disturbers  of  the  peace  of 
the  world,  that  our  own  peace  be  no  longer  endangered. 

Can  we  afford  to  parade  our  national  heroes  as 
examples  to  our  working-classes  ?  Do  we  not  already 
see  the  insurgency  that  such  ideals  as  Washington  has 
instilled  in  the  breast  of  our  humble  classes  ?  George 


30  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

Washington  is  our  great  national  hero.  But  suppose 
we  were  to  rehearse  his  history  in  brief,  omitting  his 
name  and  the  glamour  that  we  associate  with  it,  what 
would  we  think  of  such  a  man  to-day  ? 

Given  a  commission  in  his  Britannic  Majesty's 
Colonial  Army,  he  defaulted  allegiance  to  his  king  over 
so  sordid  a  matter  as  a  trifle  of  stamp  duties.  He  be 
came  commander-in-chief  of  an  army  that  was  in 
rebellion  against  the  crown  under  which  he  had  been 
exalted.  His  triumph  consisted  in  disobedience  to 
law,  and  he  became  the  father  of  his  country,  much 
revered  by  school-children  on  February  22d,  when  that 
date  does  not  fall  on  a  Sunday,  and  on  July  4th,  when 
it  does  not  rain.  With  such  ideals,  there  is  no  wonder 
that  some  Americans  follow  his  example. 

If  Lord  Cornwallis  had  been  held  up  for  admira 
tion,  to-day  the  results  would  have  been  far  different. 
He  was  a  patriot  and  a  hero.  He  was  a  man  who 
served  his  king;  he  was  a  true  pillar  of  law  and  order. 

The  life  of  Washington  was  one  of  disobedience 
and  treason  to  his  king.  The  very  act  of  gathering 
his  army  was  treason.  His  triumph  was  by  breaking 
the  law.  With  Washington  as  Ideal — what  can  you 
expect  ? 

Come  down  to  John  Brown,  the  hero  of  Harper's 
Ferry.  For  the  past  forty  years  he  has  been  held  up 
before  the  people  for  admiration,  as  a  martyr,  a  lover 
of  justice,  and  a  friend  of  man.  What  did  John  Brown 
do  ?  He  deliberately  began  to  form  an  army  and  re- 


WHAT  CAN   YOU  EXPECT?  31 

lease  the  negroes,  who  were  the  private  property  of 
many  of  the  nation's  best  citizens.  Defying  the  power 
of  the  state  and  the  nation's  laws,  he  entrenched  him 
self  in  a  little  building  at  Harper's  Ferry.  Surrounded 
by  a  few  staunch  friends  and  the  negroes  who  had  fol 
lowed  his  lead,  they  attempted  to  fight,  and  succeeded 
in  killing  a  few  respectable  law-abiding  citizens. 
Finally,  he  was  hanged  by  the  neck,  the  authorities 
punishing  him  like  a  common  criminal.  That  same 
John  Brown  is  celebrated  in  song  and  in  story. 
Children  are  taught  to  know  of  him  and  to  love  him; 
and  yet,  he  was  a  man  who  defied  law  and  order. 

If  such  people  are  held  up  before  the  eyes  of  admir 
ing  youth,  do  not  think  these  lads  will  be  satisfied 
with  things  as  they  are.  If  you  honor  rebels  and 
law-breakers,  what  can  you  expect  ? 

Oliver  Cromwell,  "  Old  Ironsides,"  as  he  was  called, 
was  a  hero.  At  least  the  Protestant  part  of  Great 
Britain  thinks  so  to  this  day.  Oliver  Cromwell  hated 
kings  and  rulers  as  they  then  held  sway,  and  was  the 
direct  cause  of  one  king  at  least  being  murdered. 
Cromwell  had  very  little  regard,  or  none  at  all,  for 
the  laws  of  his  country.  When  the  British  Parlia 
ment  did  not  suit  him  he  drove  it  out  of  doors.  He 
went  about  agitating  the  people  against  the  existing 
powers  of  the  land.  This  ended  in  many  bloody  bat 
tles  against  the  rulers.  He  managed  to  die  in  bed, 
but  the  good  people  came  to  their  own  after  his  death. 
His  ashes  were  dug  up  and  scattered  to  the  winds.  In 


32  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

the  land  where  we  find  Oliver  Cromwell  held  up  as 
an  ideal,  we  revolt  at  the  idea  of  its  youth  taking 
him  as  a  model.  Had  the  respectable  English  been 
held  up  for  admiration,  or  had  their  representatives 
been  thus  honored,  the  result  would  have  been  far 
different.  But  with  Cromwell  as  the  guiding-star, 
what  can  you  expect  ? 

Or  revert  to  the  illustrious  figures  of  long  gone. 

Take  Moses,  for  instance,  the  great  ideal  of  the 
Jews.  Place  him  under  the  intellectual  microscope. 
Moses  did  not  have  a  spark  of  refinement.  He  was 
an  ingrate  of  the  worst  kind,  and  a  trickster.  He  had 
even  committed  murder.  Just  consider  his  true  his 
tory.  A  foundling  who  had  been  left  in  a  place  where 
fashionable  people  were  accustomed  to  bathe,  was  dis 
covered  by  the  beautiful  and  accomplished  daughter 
of  the  noble  King  Pharaoh  as  she  was  going  for  a 
swim,  and  saw  the  child  lying  in  the  bullrushes  play 
ing  with  his  toes.  Instead  of  calling  a  policeman  and 
having  the  baby  taken  to  an  orphan  asylum,  she  bade 
her  maid-in-waiting  to  bring  it  to  her.  Taking  it  to 
her  own  bosom,  she  bore  it  to  the  royal  palace,  and 
called  the  royal  help  to  assist  her  in  bringing  him  up. 
Thus  she  gave  Moses  every  advantage  which  a  home 
at  court  could  provide.  He  throve  well  and  grew 
strong  under  this  excellent  care.  This  lad  sat  at  the 
king's  table,  slept  in  a  bed  provided  by  the  king,  and 
his  clothes  were  selected  from  the  royal  wardrobe.  He 
was  sent  to  the  king's  school,  and  doubtless  played 


WHAT  CAN  YOU  EXPECT? 


foot-ball  in  the  king's  team.  One  would  think  that 
Moses  would  have  been  grateful  for  all  this  kindness, 
and  that  nothing  would  be  too  hard  a  task  for  him  to 
do  in  the  service  of  the  king  and  his  daughter. 

Suppose  you  take  the  story  of  Moses,  omitting  the 
names  of  the  parties,  and  then  submit  it  with  this 
question  to  our  wise  men:  "If  a  man  had  been 
treated  thus,  what  ought  he  to  do  ?"  Give  us  your 
opinion  as  to  the  answer  you  suppose  you  would  re 
ceive. 

Tell  us  what  the  wise  men  of  the  universities  and 
the  big  salaried  priests  would  say  to  this  question. 

"Why,"  they  would  all  say,  "a  man  should 
sacrifice  his  life  for  his  benefactors."  Now,  how  did 
Moses  repay  for  all  these  benefactions  ?  He  began  by 
fraternizing  with  the  hoodlums  of  society.  He  mingled 
with  the  workers  in  the  king's  brickyard,  and  created 
disturbances,  becoming  one  of  the  lowest  kinds  of 
labor  agitators,  and  adopting  the  methods  of  a  curb 
stone  orator.  The  opportunity  of  his  life  was  for  him 
to  become  a  member  in  the  cabinet  of  Pharaoh.  He 
could  have  had  an  important  secretaryship  had  he 
chosen  so  brilliant  a  career,  for  Moses  had  brains, 
though  they  went  wrong  I  would  say;  for  rather  than 
to  stand  in  high  places,  he  chose  to  cast  his  fortune 
with  slaves,  the  scum  of  Egypt.  Finally  he  organized 
this  scum  into  a  mob,  borrowed  jewels  of  the  Egyptian 
society  people,  then  sneaked  away,  followed  by  all  his 
dirty  and  tattered  friends.  This  man  Moses  is  the 


34  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

patron  saint  held  up  as  the  great  law-giver  before  the 
Jews  and  Christians  of  to-day. 

To  get  the  results  that  you  desire  you  should  hold 
up  as  ideals  Pharaoh  and  his  daughter.  Hold  them 
up  with  the  smart  set;  hold  them  up  with  the  priests 
and  the  charity  associations  of  these  times.  If  you 
hold  up  that  man  Moses  as  an  ideal,  what  can  you 
expect  ? 

Another  example  is  that  of  Jesus,  whom  we  hold 
up  as  an  ideal,  yet  whose  principles  and  practices 
would  be  regarded  as  scandalous  if  introduced  into 
public  and  private  life  to-day.  Born  without  a  claim 
of  legal  paternity,  his  cradle  was  a  manger  in  a  stable; 
allowed  to  grow  up  in  the  streets  and  run  around  the 
country  like  a  tramp,  leaving  home  again  and  again, 
causing  his  mother  no  end  of  worry  and  anxiety. 

He  discussed  anarchism  and  socialism  with  a  fluent 
tongue,  and  confused  the  elders  wherever  he  went. 
He  stirred  up  discontent  and  subsequent  disorder. 
He  laughed  at  the  laws  and  customs  of  his  land,  and 
by  his  clear-cut  oratory  he  drew  to  himself  a  number 
of  followers,  who,  like  himself,  went  about  fomenting 
disorder  among  the  people. 

The  priests  and  the  ruling  classes,  horrified  by  his 
attitude  and  presumption,  saw  clearly  that  his  doc 
trines  were  subversive  not  only  of  the  status  quo,  but 
of  all  right  and  justice  whatever.  He  was  warned  time 
and  again  to  behave,  yet  he  did  not  heed  the  warn 
ing,  but  kept  right  on  with  his  treasonable  teachings. 


WHAT  CAN  YOU  EXPECT?  35 

The  common  people  heard  him  gladly,  though  it  may 
be  said  to  the  credit  of  the  upper  classes  that  few  of 
them  ever  attended  his  seditious  gatherings.  The  bet 
ter  elements  of  society  saved  the  country,  and  they 
nailed  Jesus  to  the  cross  between  two  thieves.  Thus 
history  vindicated  itself  in  advance  by  giving  us  a 
good  working  plan  for  our  treatment  of  the  Haymarket 
tragedy  of  Chicago. 

And  we  persist  in  holding  up  as  an  ideal  before 
the  young  and  impressionable  of  our  day  a  man  who 
in  his  time  was  a  criminal  and  ignominiously  put  to 
death  by  the  priests  and  the  respectable  element  of 
his  age.  Did  we  hold  up  Pilate  and  Caiaphas  as 
models  we  would  be  acting  logically,  as  they  were 
representatives  of  the  best  society  of  the  times,  just  as 
the  same  pattern  is  in  our  own  day.  But  if  you 
hold  up  such  a  man  as  Jesus  for  the  admiration  of  the 
plastic  mind  of  our  unenlightened,  what  can  you  expect  ? 

You  must  not  poison  the  mind  of  the  child  with 
the  ideas  of  anarchism.  The  brain  of  a  child  is  mag 
netic.  It  holds  fast  to  its  impressions.  If  you  wish 
a  contented,  leave-me-alone,  stand-pat  kind  of  a  world, 
change  your  ideals. 

The  revolutionists  of  the  past  are  the  result  of  the 
ideals  held  before  the  people. 

You  must  stop  inoculating  the  minds  of  the  people 
with  ideals  exalting  insurgency  and  anarchism  if  you 
would  be  spared  the  rational  results  of  such  teachings, 
or  you  may  continue  worshiping  the  ideals,  if  you  like 


36  THOUGHTS   OF  A   FOOL 

in  which  case,  expect  not  that  you  can  gather  figs  from 
thistles.  If  you  sow  the  wind  you  have  no  right  to 
expect  to  be  spared  the  whirlwind. 

Those  whom  we  hold  up  to  be  honored  will  be 
honored.  If  we  do  not  want  to  establish  the  unworthy, 
why  do  we  not  rather  extol  those  who  never  break  the 
laws  of  their  country  ?  Why  do  we  not  teach  our 
youth  to  revere  the  men  and  women  whose  whole 
object  in  life  is  to  do  what  others  do  ?  This  discon 
tented  mob  which  threatens  society  is  the  fruit  of  the 
ideals  in  the  minds  of  to-day.  We  should  not  wonder 
at  its  existence,  but  should  rather  look  to  its  causes 
and  understand  them.  Now,  what  can  you  expect  ? 

And  you,  discontented  hoodlum,  what  are  you 
whining  and  crying  about — the  rich  oppressing  you  ? 

You  of  the  dissatisfied  element,  I  cannot  see  where 
you  have  a  kick  coming!  You  make  the  solemn 
declaration  that  you  want  a  thing,  and  when  you  get 
it  you  grumble  that  you  have  got  it.  What  do  you 
want  anyway  ? 

If  I  would  declare  that  I  believe  that  standing  in 
the  way  of  an  irresistible  force  means  death,  and  that 
I  was  far  too  young,  good-looking,  or  for  other  reasons 
known  to  myself,  I  did  not  wish  to  die  yet,  and  if  by 
accident  I  happen  to  get  in  the  way  of  this  terrible 
force,  and  some  one  would  pull  me  away  from  my 
dangerous  position,  should  I  be  angry  with  him  ?  No, 
I  should  be  thankful  and  appreciative.  For  it  was  he 
who  saved  my  life! 


WHAT  CAN  YOU  EXPECT?  37 

My  Christian  friends,  the  way  to  salvation  you  have 
declared,  is  that  if  your  coat  is  taken  by  any  one  to 
give  him  the  overcoat  also;  if  you  are  smitten  on  one 
cheek,  turn  the  other  to  be  struck  as  well;  if  you  are 
made  to  walk  a  mile,  to  walk  another  just  to  show 
that  there  are  no  hard  feelings  on  your  part. 

These  are  the  things  you  declare  you  will  have  to 
do  in  order  to  get  yourself  into  the  Kingdom  of  Heaven. 
By  the  money  and  energy  which  you  spend  in  placing 
your  wisdom  and  knowledge  among  the  savages,  by 
the  large  salaries  you  spend  for  the  pious  to  induce 
them  to  become  your  spiritual  guides,  and  by  the  way 
you  support  all  of  those  institutions,  you  give  evidence 
that  you  are  very  anxious  to  be  saved.  And  when  an 
opportunity  is  offered  you  to  make  good  and  you  are 
not  there,  it  looks  like  a  bluff  on  your  part,  for  if  you 
meant  what  you  said  you  would  be  thankful  to  the 
man  who  compels  you  to  give  him  your  overcoat  when 
he  has  taken  your  coat  and  you  have  forgotten  to  give 
it  to  him  yourself.  He  shows  that  he  loves  you,  or  else 
he  would  not  take  the  interest  in  you  to  save  you.  Yes, 
you  should  be  very  grateful  to  him,  but  you  know  that 
you  are  professing  ideals  that  you  will  not  live.  You 
know  that  if  one  smite  you  on  one  cheek,  you  will  turn 
the  other  in  order  to  spy  out  a  policeman  to  take  your 
assailant  to  the  lock-up,  and  you  will  appear  against 
him  in  the  police  court  next  morning  full  of  zeal  to 
have  the  fellow  severely  punished.  Thus  you  miss 
opportunities  to  put  into  actual  operation  the  very 


38  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

maxims  you  pretend  to  admire.  And  you  punish  the 
person  who  gave  you  the  chance  to  live  up  to  your  ideal. 
The  fact  is  that  you  have  no  ideals.  You  talk 
about  them  glibly,  but  you  are  false  in  fact  to  every 
thing  you  profess.  Prepare  then  for  the  cataclysm! 
What  else  can  you  expect  ? 


ON  THi:  GROUND  FLOOR 


ON  THE  GROUND  FLOOR 


IF  you  wish  to  be  on  the  ground  floor  get  wisdom, 
because  wisdom  is  the  ground  floor  and  every 
thing  in  civilization  rests  on  it.  Wisdom  begets 
wisdom.  Therefore  the  wisdomites  are  the  only  ones 
who  can  wisdomize  you.  They  will  do  it  either  by 
getting  you  a  degree,  by  converting  you,  or  by  getting 
you  a  political  job.  It  is  honorable  to  be  wise.  The 
wise  are  sought  after  at  dinners  and  public  gatherings, 
are  also  invited  to  head  a  club  list  and  become  honor 
ary  members  therein.  Their  opinion  is  sought  after 
by  corn  doctors,  patent  medicine  men,  women's  clubs, 
and  other  organizations  which  work  for  the  uplifting 
of  mankind. 

Education,  ethics,  and  law  are  the  fountain  trinity 
whence  wisdom  flows.  While  they  each  have  a  chan 
nel  and  a  distinct  field  of  operation  of  their  own,  their 
work  is  very  closely  allied.  Their  work  so  blends  and 
overlaps  that  one  cannot  tell  where  the  work  of  each 
begins  or  ends.  So  they  encroach  on  each  other's 
fields  at  times,  but  as  they  are  not  members  of  any 
labor  unions,  it  is  permissible. 

Wisdom  is  great!  It  is  constantly  misunderstood 
because  of  its  greatness.  While  we,  too,  would  like  to 

41 


42  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

be  wise,  and  we  applaud  wisdom,  yet  the  wisdom  of 
the  wise  is  a  mystery  to  us  —  we  do  not  understand 
the  why  and  wherefore.  Professor  Triggs,  when  told 
that  the  "Women's  Aid"  complained  that  they  could 
not  understand  what  he  was  driving  at,  in  a  lecture  he 
delivered  to  them,  replied,  "The  lecture  was  too 
deep;  I  guess  I  talk  over  their  heads."  By  that  he 
meant  that  they  were  not  wise  enough  to  understand 
him.  While  I  confess  that  even  I  am  not  yet  initiated 
in  its  mystery,  yet  I  feel  myself  capable  of  explaining 
why  wisdom  is  not  understood.  While  it  is  so  per 
fectly  clear  and  comprehensible  to  the  wise,  yet  it  is 
a  foreign  language  to  us.  This  I  believe  will  ex 
plain  it.  The  masses  (myself  included)  are  ignorant 
of  the  premise  on  which  wisdom  rests.  We  do  not 
understand  the  universal  scheme.  What  puzzles  us  is 
the  confusion  with  which  life  works  through  its  varied 
organisms.  I  do  not  see  why  each  organism  in  life 
should  be  guided  by  the  life  within  itself,  while  man 
needs  a  guide  apart  from  the  life  which  is  in  him, 
and  yet  depends  on  life  in  another  self.  Why  should 
every  being  guide  its  own  individual  life  and  leave 
others  to  guide  their  own,  while  man  guides  other 
men's  lives  and  neglects  his  own.  In  other  words,  why 
should  every  being  mind  its  own  business,  and  man 
mind  everybody's  business  except  his  own  ?  A  flower, 
a  tree,  an  insect,  the  animal  and  the  fool,  each  comes  into 
being  and  reaches  its  end,  without  effort  or  restraint 
on  its  part.  It  seems  a  flower  gets  pleasure  from  the 


ON  THE   GROUND  FLOOR  43 

blooming,  a  tree  gets  joy  in  its  growth.  From  the 
time  the  seed  takes  root  till  it  sprouts  and  until  it  has 
completed  its  growth,  all  is  accomplished  without 
resistance.  It  finds  its  happiness  in  its  transforma 
tion.  While  growing  it  is  traveling  on  the  road  of 
pleasure  —  the  easy  road. 

A  bronco  roaming  wild  is  thriving  on  the  gratifi 
cation  of  its  heart's  desires.  It  resents  the  restraint  of 
being  put  into  harness.  It  kicks,  bites,  and  does 
everything  in  its  power  to  keep  its  freedom,  to  live  a 
happy  bronco  life.  But  a  stronger  force  enslaves  it 
and  compels  it  to  do  things  it  does  not  like  to  do.  Man, 
by  conquering,  subduing,  and  placing  a  bit  in  the 
bronco's  mouth,  makes  it  obey  him  because  it  is  then 
easier  for  the  horse  to  go  in  the  direction  led  than 
otherwise  and  get  his  jaws  hurt.  We  understand  that 
much  of  it.  What  we  do  not  understand  is  why  it 
does  not  work  the  same  with  man.  Why  does  not 
life  direct  man  and  make  his  evolution  a  matter  of 
joy,  and  if  life  could  not  do  that,  then  why  did  not  life 
create  a  stronger  force  than  man  to  take  charge  of 
him,  and,  as  with  the  bronco,  have  a  bit  placed  in  his 
mouth.  Even  that  would  be  more  simply  understood 
than  the  explanation  which  the  wise  have  given  us. 
They  say  that  man's  desires  for  pleasure  are  bent  in 
the  wrong  channel.  If  he  would  follow  them  he 
would  be  doomed.  If  he  would  follow  his  inclination 
he  would  stunt  his  own  growth,  and  since  he  likes  to 
be  wise,  he  does  not  need  a  superior  force  to  subdue 


44  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

him.  He  supplies  the  power  to  other  beings  like  him 
self  to  make  him  do  that  which  he  does  not  like  to 
do.  Here  the  wisdomites  get  in  their  work.  (You 
can  interpret  that  sentence  more  than  one  way.)  They 
come  and  save  us  from  the  awful  peril  which  confronts 
us.  They  begin  with  us  when  we  are  still  children,  and 
keep  it  up  until  we  become  perfected  and  enrolled  in 
the  wisdomites'  camp;  or  if  we  are  so  unfortunate  as 
not  to  be  successful  in  our  examination,  they  do  not 
forsake  us,  but  keep  us  under  their  guidance  till  we 
die.  And  even  then  we  are  not  sure  that  we  are  saved ; 
we  might  go  to  hell  after  all. 

It  is  so  hard  to  become  perfect.  The  road  to 
destruction  is  so  broad  and  easy.  The  temptations 
and  possibilities  to  fail  are  so  great  that  few  escape 
it.  Narrow  is  the  path  and  full  of  obstacles  to  virtue 
and  perfection.  The  possibilities  of  failure  are  large. 
It  is  necessary,  nay  it  is  the  duty  of  the  wise,  to  safe 
guard  the  individual  by  making  rules  and  counter- 
rules  for  our  guidance.  The  rules  are  so  conflicting 
that  it  makes  it  difficult  to  master  them.  I,  too,  once 
thought  that  I  could  make  a  rule,  and  like  Buster 
Brown,  I  got  into  trouble.  (Unless  you  are  wise  you 
cannot  make  any  rule  that  will  hold  good.)  I  thought 
it  to  be  the  principle  of  the  wise  that  it  is  evil  to  gratify 
one's  desires.  So  when  mother  sent  dainties  to  my 
teacher  (she  loved  the  stuff  mother  made,  she  said),  in 
order  to  save  the  teacher  from  evil,  I  ate  the  dainties. 
When  she  found  it  out  she  taught  me  a  lesson  that 


ON  THE  GROUND  FLOOR  45 

convinced  me  that  my  logic  was  wrong.  Incidentally  I 
was  convinced  that  I  am  incapable  of  making  rules 
for  guidance;  and  that  I  must  constantly  consult  the 
oracle  as  to  which  is  the  right  thing  to  do  and  which  is 
not. 

All  the  fountain  channels  of  wisdom  proceed  from 
love.  It  is  preached  everywhere.  They  tell  us  to 
love  the  good,  the  true,  and  the  beautiful.  Then  they 
tell  us  what  is  truth,  what  is  good,  and  what  is  beauti 
ful.  After  that  they  tell  us  what  love  is.  The  analyst 
will  read  our  books  for  us  and  tell  us  whether  it  is 
wise  for  us  to  read  them.  If  he  finds  in  the  book  any 
thing  that  will  contaminate  us  he  warns  us  against  it. 
Or  he  will  see  a  play  for  us  and  instruct  us  whether 
to  see  or  avoid  it.  I  have  not  yet  been  able  to  dis 
cover  how  the  wise  himself  keeps  from  being  inocu 
lated  by  a  bad  book  or  an  unworthy  play;  and  if  he 
be  infected,  then  I  should  be  chary  of  accepting  his 
advice.  Indeed,  I  think  there  must  be  many  like  me, 
who,  on  being  warned  against  a  book  or  a  play,  insist 
on  seeing  it  for  themselves.  Perhaps  this  accounts  for 
the  large  sales  of  bad  books  and  the  big  crowds  that 
attend  the  production  of  wicked  plays.  It  is  surpris 
ing  to  see  how  wise  the  wise  are.  They  can  even  tell 
your  thoughts,  and  if  your  thoughts  do  not  agree  with 
what  they  tell  you  you  think,  then  you  think  wrong, 
and  have  to  change  them. 

The  mass  would  say  that  the  author  of  a  book 
wrote  what  he  meant  and  meant  what  he  wrote,  and 


46  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

let  it  go  at  that;  but  the  ones  who  know,  say  that  the 
man  who  wrote  the  book  did  not  mean  what  he  said 
he  meant,  but  he  meant  what  he  did  not  say. 

Take,  as  one  example,  the  Songs  of  Solomon.  The 
masses  read  this  book  and  think  that  Solomon  meant 
what  he  said.  They  think  it  is  a  beautiful  love-song, 
wherein  the  passionate  lover  gives  full  sway  to  his 
feelings.  A  song  which,  if  properly  treated,  would  come 
under  the  ban  of  the  Puritan  Comstock,  and  should 
be  excluded  from  the  United  States  Puritan  mail.  Any 
woman  who  loves  and  is  loved  will  know  that  Solo 
mon  sang  to  the  woman  who  was  first  in  his  heart, 
rejoicing  in  her  beauty,  and  that  he  did  not  hesitate  to 
catalogue  her  charms  melodiously  and  eloquently.  No 
wonder  his  wooing  was  so  effective. 

When  Solomon  speaks  of  the  loved  one's  eyes,  he 
means  real  eyes  —  eyes  that  you  see  with.  When  he 
speaks  of  the  loved  one's  breasts,  "Thy  two  breasts 
are  like  two  roses  that  are  twins,"  he  means  breasts  of 
flesh. 

How  natural  that  song  sounds.  Many  times  I 
felt  bewildered  like  Solomon  in  his  song,  when  he 
wondered  what  to  do  with  his  little  sister.  One 
senses  one's  feelings  described  in  the  Song  of  Solomon, 
even  though  one  never  cared  whether  the  gentiles  came 
to  the  church  or  stayed  away.  The  wise  say  that  the 
whole  song  is  symbolic.  I  have  not  been  able  thus 
far  to  discover  what  Solomon  did  mean,  as  the  wise 
men  are  divided  on  that  subject.  Some  say  he  meant 


ON  THE  GROUND  FLOOR  47 

a  church;  others  he  meant  Jerusalem;  still  others  that 
he  sings  to  the  Jews.  But  they  all  agree  that  Solomon 
did  not  mean  what  he  meant. 

The  fact  is  so  plainly  seen  that  Solomon  could 
mean  most  anything  except  what  he  said.  Whereby 
we  learn  that  the  wise  know  the  thoughts  of  others 
better  than  they  who  think  the  thoughts. 

There  is  another  set  of  wise  people,  whom  at  first 
I  did  not  think  wise,  but  after  further  acquaintance  I 
concluded  that  I  was  mistaken,  and  that  they  were 
wise  after  all.  They  belong  to  the  Tolstoi  school. 
Like  fish,  wisdom  goes  in  schools.  We  have  the 
Hamilton,  the  Jefferson,  the  Jesus,  with  its  different 
branches;  the  Bakunian,  the  Karl  Marx,  the  Tucker, 
the  Darwin,  the  Spencer,  the  Huxley,  the  Thomas 
Paine,  and  the  Franklin  school — and  there  is  wisdom 
in  all  of  them.  The  reason  for  my  thinking  that  this 
wise  man  is  not  wise  is  because  I  thought  I  under 
stood  him  —  he  said  that  all  the  other  wise  people  are 
not  wise  at  all.  I  agreed  with  him  that  the  univer 
sities  are  the  hirelings  of  the  rich,  and  that  there  is  a 
conspiracy  between  them  to  keep  the  masses  in  slav 
ery.  The  churches  he  claims  are  kept  up  by  the  same 
class,  and  are  not  religious  at  all.  I  assented.  Instead 
of  "  resist  not  evil,"  which  is  the  foundation  of  Chris 
tianity,  the  leaders  in  the  church  are  foremost  in  or 
ganizing  anti-vice  crusades,  capture  and  oppress  the 
poor  thief,  and  reward  the  rich  one.  I  also  under 
stood.  The  solution  to  the  chaotic  condition,  he  said, 


48  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

is  not  to  judge  anybody,  and  have  the  rich  get  off  the 
backs  of  mankind.  All  this  was  perfectly  clear  to  me. 
All  this  wise  man  asked  was  to  be  made  a  leader,  so 
that  he  might  straighten  things  out.  I  did  not  quite 
understand  that,  but  I  did  not  care,  as  all  the  rest  of 
the  things  which  I  felt,  he  said  he  felt,  and  said  them 
so  beautifully  that  I  thought  it  was  myself  talking,  and 
for  feeling  like  myself  he  would  be  as  unwise  as  my 
self,  but  after  getting  better  acquainted  with  him,  I 
discovered  my  error,  and  gladly  take  the  opportunity 
to  apologize  for  the  unjust  thought  which  came  to  my 
mind.  His  acts  are  as  mysterious  as  are  those  of  the 
wisest.  He  practices  the  things  which  he  condemns. 
He  is  first  to  judge,  and  he  is  most  considerate  of  his 
reputation.  He  will  come  to  the  call  of  justice  only 
when  it  calls  with  a  respectable  retainer.  He  will  not 
stand  alone,  because  he  cannot  afford  it.  And  as  for 
getting  off  people's  backs,  he  is  on  them  with  both 
feet.  He  refuses  to  play  with  me,  because  he  says  that 
he  judged  me  and  found  me  wanting,  and  that  I  was 
not  sincere  in  the  game.  He  who  confesses  that  he  is 
a  parasite  and  a  robber  like  myself  refuses  to  asso 
ciate  with  me  because  I  am  a  hypocrite  like  himself. 
I  have  no  objection  to  him  as  a  playmate,  why  should 
he  object  to  me  ?  In  psychologizing  this  one  I  dis 
covered  that  he  feels  keenly  the  woes  of  the  universe; 
and  he  is  so  impressed  nevertheless  with  his  own  great 
ness  that  he  eliminates  the  woes  of  the  world  by  taking 
care  of  the  world,  which  is  himself.  It  is  the  same  old 


ON  THE   GROUND  FLOOR  49 

game,  with  a  new  label  —  the  non-resistance  label  — 
and  it  takes  pretty  well. 

Therefore  I  conclude  that  while  I  cannot  explain 
any  code  of  action  to  be  wise  (I  cannot  even  say  that 
the  things  I  think  I  really  think,  or  just  think  I  think 
them;  and  really  think  something  else  which  I  don't 
think).  I  know  this  much,  that  we  fools  are  not  to 
be  sneered  at.  It  is  we  that  furnish  the  opportunity 
for  the  wise  to  show  their  wisdom. 


THE  MAN  TO  BE 


THE  MAN  TO  BE 


SOME  of  the  wisest  may  know  why  it  is  that  the 
end  of  a  school  term  is  called  the  "commence 
ment."  Being  a  fool  I  admit  that  I  do  not 
know,  and  I  don't  believe  that  even  ordinarily  wise 
folk  know.  But  that  has  nothing  to  do  with  the  case; 
the  case  being  that  at  high  school  and  college  com 
mencements  there  are  usually  many  or  few  essays  read 
by  enlightened  students. 

I  attended  one  of  those  ending  commencements, 
and  one  of  the  wisdomized  students  read  an  essay  on 
"  Whither  are  We  Drifting  ?  " 

After  explaining  that  wonderful  change  which  will 
take  place  in  the  next  twenty  years  in  all  the  sciences 
— that  we  will  travel  to  Mars  by  airships  and  our  food 
will  consist  of  tablets,  to  save  the  stomach  work — he 
came  in  his  discourse  to  man  himself.  The  popula 
tion  in  the  cities  will  increase  an  hundred-fold  and  we 
will  become  more  specialized  than  ever  before,  was 
his  theme.  After  the  exercises  luncheon  was  served 
to  the  elect,  and  there  the  merits  of  the  different 
essays  were  discussed.  They  all  agreed  that  the 
paper  on  "  Whither  are  We  Drifting  ? "  was  the  most 
scientific.  They  called  the  young  student  a  seer,  and 

53 


54  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

agreed  that  there  can  be  no  question  that  man  will 
become  more  specialized  than  ever.  Instead  of  eight 
men  making  a  pair  of  shoes,  as  it  now  takes,  in  the 
future  it  will  take  forty ;  that  in  all  the  walks  of  life, 
in  all  vocations,  things  will  be  more  divided  and 
specialized. 

"We  are  living  in  an  age  of  specialization,"  they 
said,  "  and  surely  we  will  not  go  backward ;  we  will  go 
forward." 

As  usual  the  wise  do  not  agree  with  me,  but  never 
theless,  I  am  convinced  that  the  coming  man  will  be 
a  consolidated  man.  Please  observe  the  trend  of 
man's  endeavor,  and  note  the  results.  He  started  with 
the  conception  of  things  as  a  whole,  and  all  things 
divine.  He  'worshiped  the  sun,  the  moon,  and  the 
stars,  the  trees  and  the  creative  function,  whether  by 
symbol  or  in  action  —  everything  was  God.  That 
was  the  Golden  Age  of  his  joy.  Then  the  wise  men 
appeared  and  "analyzed  God."  They  really  had  no 
other  claim  to  be  wise  than  the  discovery  of  good  and 
evil  and  the  work  of  separating  them.  The  office  of 
"wise  man"  maintains  its  pristine  purpose  with  pro 
fessional  purity  unto  the  present  time.  He  began 
specializing  —  dividing  things  into  parts.  He  spe 
cialized  God  and  put  him  in  heaven  above;  he  special 
ized  the  devil  and  put  him  in  hell  below.  But  life 
revenged  itself  on  the  specializer,  and  in  turn  man, 
the  specializer,  became  specialized.  And  now,  when 
it  seems  that  things  are  coming  to  their  oneness 


THE   MAN  TO   BE  55 

once  more,  man  too,  will  consolidate  himself  and  be 
come  a  complete  man. 

The  wise,  having  analyzed  the  Universe,  have 
cautioned  the  multitude  against  worshiping  that  which 
his  priest  disapproved.  So  it  came  to  be  that  we 
"drifted"  into  specialization.  We  placed  God  in  the 
"heavenly  bodies,"  and  all  the  rest  of  creation  were 
the  world  and  the  flesh,  and  these  were  of  another 
God,  the  devil  by  name.  The  priest  himself  was  the 
earliest  to  experience  the  revenge  that  time  works  to 
the  meddling  wise.  The  priestly  function  had  been 
symmetrically  composite.  The  priest  was  mentor, 
tutor,  doctor,  lawyer,  judge,  politician,  philosopher, 
administrator,  and  executioner.  The  fine  works  of 
art  were  made  and  preserved  by  religious  bodies. 
Gradually  differentiation  sheared  one  after  another  of 
these  prerogatives  from  him,  until  there  is  little  left 
him  but  his  fantastic  vestments,  and  even  these  are 
disappearing.  We  used  to  take  our  medicine  and  ad 
vice  from  the  priests.  Who  now  would  stoop  to  do 
him  such  reverence  ?  No  one  takes  the  priest  seri 
ously  in  these  days.  We  pretend  that  we  go  to  him 
to  cure  our  souls,  but  we'd  like  to  see  ourselves  permit 
him  to  monkey  with  our  liver,  sit  on  juries,  purvey  our 
diet,  or  obtrude  his  general  boredom  on  us  as  of  yore. 

It  is  true  that  we  have  become  specialized  under 
the  tutelage  of  our  wisest,  but  the  Man  to  Be  will  have 
other  ideals,  and  he  will  scorn  to  be  a  part  of  a  man. 

Observe  the  distributing  side  of  our  commercial 


56  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

life.  Formerly,  when  we  went  to  market  we  found 
all  kinds  of  commodities  under  one  roof.  The  same 
man  sold  plows,  pins,  calico,  bacon,  hair-oil,  tape, 
and  what  not  ?  Then  differentiation  became  the  order 
of  the  day.  We  went  to  the  hatter  for  our  hats,  and 
to  the  druggist  for  our  pills,  and  to  the  butcher  for  our 
raw  meat,  and  to  the  delicatessen  shop  for  our  cooked 
meats. 

A  man  devoting  his  time  to  one  article  becomes 
perfect  in  his  relation  to  his  specialty.  He  learned 
everything  about  it  with  the  result  of  better  satisfac 
tion,  more  value  to  the  consumer,  and  more  profit  to 
himself.  After  it  became  perfect  by  specialization  — 
when  the  function  of  specialization  has  brought  the 
improvements  required  of  it  —  consolidation  takes  its 
place.  We  have  now  what  is  called  the  department 
store.  A  specialistic  consolidation.  Although  resem 
bling  the  market  of  old,  it  is  a  forward  step;  it  is  the 
perfectness  of  the  specialist  with  the  advantage  of  co 
operation. 

In  the  shop  the  smith  made  knives,  wagons;  all 
things  wrought  in  iron  and  steel  were  made  there. 
The  next  step  was  to  specialize  and  to  perfect  each  thing. 
Fortunes  were  made  in  the  manufacture  of  screws, 
bolts,  and  sundry  "parts."  Each  part  has  become 
perfect  by  specialization  —  consolidation  is  the  result; 
the  great  machine  shops  now  make  all  the  material 
for  their  own  consumption.  The  same  is  true  in  agri 
culture.  Starting  out  with  a  general  farm,  with  its 


THE   MAN  TO   BE  57 

many  grains,  fruits,  and  meats,  the  specializer  comes 
with  the  stock  farm,  the  dairy-farm,  and  truck-farm. 
Now  consolidation  takes  place  even  there. 

The  man  in  mediaeval  times,  when  gods  were  in 
full  swing,  was  a  man  who  used  his  head,  his  hands, 
and  his  heart.  He  was  a  complete  man.  Then  the 
specialist  came.  The  schools  and  colleges  have  taken 
men's  heads;  the  church  and  the  ethical  societies  have 
taken  man's  heart;  the  factory  has  taken  his  hands; 
with  the  result  that  hell  is  full  of  headless  and  hand- 
less  people,  sent  there  by  the  theologians.  The  grave 
yards  are  crowded  with  heartless  and  handless  stu 
dents,  sent  there  by  the  dry,  economic  philosophy  of 
our  professors.  The  earth  has  been  paved  with  bones 
and  bathed  with  the  blood  of  the  workingman,  slaugh 
tered  by  his  own  kind,  because  they  have  not  used 
their  heads  nor  their  hearts.  Others  have  done  the 
thinking  for  them.  The  specialists  have  done  their 
work  —  man  has  become  perfect  in  each  of  his  parts. 
I  am  looking  for  the  consolidation  of  the  perfect  parts 
of  man.  I  am  looking  for  the  restoration  of  head  and 
heart  to  the  brainless  worker  in  the  factory  and  he  will 
become  an  intellectual  giant.  The  theologian  will  also 
be  a  useful  member  in  society  when  he  uses  his  hands. 
To  be  a  laborer  will  be  the  sole  patent  of  nobility,  and 
the  pedant,  the  pedagogue,  and  the  professor  will 
pocket  his  pride,  purge  himself  of  his  pretensions,  and 
become  a  producer  instead  of  a  parasite. 

Then  we  will  be  like  children  of  one  household, 


THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 


departing  from  the  family  roof  in  the  morning.  Some 
go  to  pick  berries,  others  to  catch  fish,  others  to  till 
the  soil.  Some  in  the  workshops,  some  in  the  mines, 
with  the  freedom  to  work  at  what  pleases  us,  and  to 
change  from  one  work  to  another  if  we  choose.  At 
eventide  there  will  be  a  gathering  of  those  who  have 
each  performed  his  allotted  task  —  a  union  of  the 
scattered  tribes.  And  it  is  then,  when  all  the  various 
members  come  together  once  more  in  the  joy  of  hav 
ing  rendered  each  a  service  to  each,  that  the  day  is 
done.  Any  fool  could  read  this  lesson  to  the  wisest, 
but  so  overawed  have  we  fools  allowed  ourselves  to 
become  under  the  domineering  masterfulness  of  the 
wise,  that  only  rarely  will  the  fool  trust  himself  to  "  sass 
back."  I  wonder  if  I  am  a  rare  fool  ? 


SUCCESS 


SUCCESS 


WHOSO  has  achieved  the  purpose  or  has  ob 
tained  the  thing  that  he  desires  has  at 
tained  Success. 

There  be  wise  ones  who  say  that  success  has  been 
cornered  and  monopolized  and  opportunities  are  slen 
dering.  There  are  still  others  who  assure  us  that  they 
have  a  formula;  that  the  "greedy  rich"  have  not  the 
monopoly  that  envy  attributes  to  them.  There  be 
socialists,  anarchists,  disciples  of  Henry  George,  of 
John  Alexander  Dowie,  and  Ella  Wheeler  Wilcox,  who 
have  prescriptions  warranted  to  transplant  one  from 
Rag  Alley  to  the  desirable  side  of  Easy  Street.  When 
you  get  through  taking  their  nostrums  step  around  to 
the  fool's  office  and  let  her  enlighten  you. 

Success  is  within  you,  I  say.  The  attainment  of 
your  ideal  is  success ;  if  not,  then  what  is  ?  Blame  no 
one  (even  yourself)  if  you  fail  in  the  realization  of 
your  ideal.  You  get  what  you  want  if  you  want  it. 

I  do  not  pretend  to  have  a  hard-and-fast  definition 
of  success,  that  can  be  photographed  and  sent  on 
application  for  inspection  and  approval. 

"  He  has  made  a  success  who  has  obtained  the  ful 
fillment  of  his  strongest  desire." 

61 


62  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

Do  not  permit  the  supernally  wise  to  dissuade  you 
by  interposing  some  other  interpretation  of  success. 
Neither  heed  the  successful  man's  advice,  for  unless 
you  fail  he  cannot  succeed,  hence  his  advice  is  for  his 
and  not  your  success.  Take  a  fool's  advice  and  shun 
those  who  would  dazzle  you  with  a  description  that 
does  not  apply  to  an  achievement  of  the  real  thing 
which  you  most  desire. 

Why  should  you  delude  yourself  with  chasing  after 
something  you  don't  want,  because  a  sage  has  told  you 
that  it  is  that  which  you  ought  to  want  ?  Your  own 
ideal  is  clear  enough.  You  do  not  require  the  medi 
cine  men  of  your  tribe  to  concoct  ideals  for  you.  You 
have  a  multitudinous  stock  of  desires  on  hand.  Make 
your  selection.  Set  the  chosen  one  on  a  pinnacle  and 
have  no  other  gods  before  it. 

Fame,  wealth,  happiness,  revenge,  notoriety,  or 
any  other  ideal  that  you  set  up  in  the  holiest  sanctu 
ary,  is  yours  if  you  prove  faithful  to  it. 

Whatever  your  desire  is  you  shall  have.  But  you 
must  not  seek  to  dictate  by  what  processes  it  will 
answer  your  call.  You  must  be  prepared  to  take  it 
by  whatever  route  it  arrives. 

The  price  that  has  always  been  paid  (there  are  no 
deadheads  on  the  roster)  is  the  submergence  of  every 
aim  but  the  achievement  of  the  ideal.  You  cannot 
serve  two  masters;  you  cannot  have  two  ideals.  The 
cost  is  marked  in  plain  figures;  it  is  fixed  and  invari 
able.  There  are  no  rebates,  no  free-list,  no  slipping 


SUCCESS  68 


under  the  canvas.  If  you  want  a  thing  you  must 
strip  yourself  of  all  other  purposes  than  that  of  obtain 
ing  that  thing.  You  must  conquer  every  craving,  kill 
every  desire,  stifle  every  call,  but  the  clamor  of  "get 
there ! " 

All  that  is  dear  to  you  must  be  held  in  readiness  to 
be  given  in  exchange.  The  love  of  parents  and  chil 
dren,  your  compassion  with  the  widowed  and  the 
fatherless,  your  virtue  and  comfort,  and  all  else  that 
you  have  held  dear  must  be  sacrificed  on  the  altar  of 
your  ideal.  There  must  be  no  looking  back,  lest  you 
become  a  pillar  of  salt.  However,  if  it  is  what  you 
most  desire  you  will  not  count  the  cost  too  great.  If 
you  falter  at  the  cost,  if  you  find  there  is  something 
you  won't  give  in  payment  for  your  ideal,  you  have 
been  mistaken  in  your  ideal;  that  something  which 
you  hold  back  is  your  ideal. 

You  have  heard  your  dearest  friend  say  that  she 
would  give  anything  to  be  rid  of  her  bad  temper. 
She  thinks  amiability  is  her  ideal.  But  you  will  dis 
cover  that  she  has  not  selected  her  strongest  ideal  with 
discrimination,  for  she  is  not  ready  to  give  every 
thing  for  her  ideal  of  a  good  temper.  She  is  willing 
to  give  everything  except  her  bad  temper.  She  is  not 
willing  to  pay  the  price.  Then  why  should  she  be 
favored  ?  Why  should  a  law  be  violated  in  her  espe 
cial  behalf  by  giving  her  something  she  don't  want  ? 
Her  bad  temper  is  her  ideal.  You  are  convinced  that 
you  must  obey  the  laws  of  symmetry,  gravity,  and  pro- 


64  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

portion  in  construction.  You  get  tools  and  instruments 
to  make  sure  that  you  may  not  go  astray;  even  in  mak 
ing  mud  pies  you  observe  the  mud  law.  Then  why 
should  you  think  that  you  can  get  a  free  pass  to  suc 
cess  ? 

The  price  of  success  is  all,  even  life!  To  give 
one's  life  for  one's  ideal  is  a  privilege  which  only  the 
earnest  seeker  of  the  ideal  may  enjoy. 

Life  means  death  anyway.  Then  why  should  you 
waste  it  on  anything  except  in  the  payment  for  suc 
cess  ?.  Whosoever  makes  his  life  serve  his  ideal,  saves 
it  in  giving.  To  give  your  life  for  your  ideal  means 
that  you  have  not  lived  in  vain ;  that  your  life  has  been 
sold  in  the  best  market  and  the  highest  price  has  been 
realized.  To  die  for  one's  ideal  means  to  be  born 
again. 

Examine  the  successful,  and  note  how  true  they 
have  been  to  their  god.  Observe  W-rr-n  Spr-ng-r,  he 
is  in  nowise  distressed  because  ramshackle  old  buildings 
and  decrepit  second-hand  elevators  contribute  to  his 
ideal.  Nor  do  the  McC-rm-cks  permit  any  twinges 
because  labor  troubles  lead  to  the  killing  of  a  few  men 
and  the  hanging  of  anarchists.  The  occasional  burn 
ing  of  an  oil  well  are  not  episodes  of  a  disturbance  to 
the  R-ck-f-11-r  ideal. 

Consult  not  the  heart  when  you  are  on  the  success 
path.  (Except  when  your  ideal  is  happiness,  you  will 
find  no  happiness  outside  of  your  heart.) 

"Mine  and  Thine"  is  an  intellectual  philosophy. 


SUCCESS  65 


The  heart  has  nothing  to  do  with  it.  The  heart  says 
Give  and  the  mind  says  Get.  Get  success,  is  an  in 
tellectual  proposition.  This  probably  explains  the 
reasons  of  the  different  degrees  of  success.  It  appears 
that  W-rr-n  Spr-ng-r's  mental  equipment  is  inferior 
to  the  R-ck-  f-ll-rs  and  the  McC-rm-ck  thought 
magazine. 

Know  also,  that  you  must  have  an  earnest  con 
viction  that  the  thing  you  lust  for  is  a  primary  object. 
My  fool  formula  will  not  work  in  a  confusion  of  second 
aries.  See  to  it  that  you  have  not  given  the  highest 
seat  in  the  synagogue  to  a  mere  adjunct.  Be  sure 
that  the  thing  you  want  is  desired  for  itself,  and  not  as 
a  means  of  securing  some  other  end,  else  there  will  be 
the  disappointment  of  getting  the  thing  you  thought 
in  your  mind  you  wanted,  rather  than  the  real  thing 
for  which  the  heart  lusted. 

One  estimable  old  friend  assured  me  that  he  wanted 
a  million  or  two.  "Not  for  myself,"  he  insisted,  "but 
that  I  may  give  it  to  the  suffering  poor." 

"Then,"  said  I,  "it  will  be  quite  the  same  if  I 
were  to  get  the  million  and  distribute  it  in  accord 
ance  with  your  schedule."  But  it  wasn't  the  same  at 
all.  He  wanted  to  be  a  benefactor.  Not  a  blame 
worthy  ideal,  but  quite  different  from  what  he  thought 
until  the  test  was  applied. 

No  matter  what  your  desires  may  be,  the  satisfac 
tion  of  them  depends  on  other  people.  Hence  you 
must  be  circumspect  in  the  selection  of  those  you  use; 


«6  THOUGHTS  OF  A   FOOL 

you  must  see  that  none  of  them  have  any  survival  of 
heart.  If  you  have  not  sufficient  intellect  of  your  own 
to  guide  you,  do  not  despair.  Let  that  be  the  least  of 
your  troubles.  There  are  many  who  are  eager  to 
render  the  sort  of  service  you  require.  But  see  that 
the  intellect  you  enlist  is  simon-pure,  and  then  let  the 
substitute  be  your  guide.  Obey  orders  without  stray 
ing  from  the  path.  If  you  play  your  part  well  your 
intellectual  bankruptcy  will  not  be  detected.  Woe  to 
you  if  you  are  not  true  to  the  intellectual  manager! 
Society  will  condone  anything  if  intellect  stands  guard 
to  set  you  right,  but  intellectual  insolvency  is  never  for 
given. 

Remember,  it  is  sometimes  wise  to  appear  foolish; 
do  not  indulge  in  asking  questions  —  for  often  there 
are  no  answers.  And  sometimes  it  is  necessary  to 
back  up  to  get  a  better  start. 

It  is  essential  to  have  public  approval  while  we  are 
on  the  success  path.  It  is  indispensable!  It  is  so 
easy  to  secure  the  approbation  of  the  public  that  one 
is  not  justified  in  attempts  to  defy  public  opinion  un 
less  your  ideal  be  love  of  justice.  In  such  case  public 
opinion  be  hanged!  Public  opinion  for  revenge  will 
hang  you,  but  your  ideals  will  survive  the  gallows 
and  the  cross.  Public  opinion  can  be  molded  by 
the  press.  Arson  will  be  condoned  if  there  is  a 
spice  of  adventure  in  burning  down  a  distillery,  or 
blowing  up  an  oil  well,  to  say  nothing  of  wrecking 
banks  and  corporations.  Robbery  by  rebates  and 


SUCCESS  67 


other  discriminations  presents  no  difficulties;  and  mur 
der,  if  we  can  procure  it  by  the  militia  or  the  hang 
man,  is  respectable.  These  diversions  are  incidents 
of  success,  and  comport  with  the  ideal  in  whose  service 
they  are  enlisted. 

You  will  have  to  join  the  Combine  of  Modern 
Saints.  A  gift  now  and  then  to  a  hospital,  church,  or 
libraries  and  social  settlements  when  in  season,  also 
have  their  appointed  time;  and  occasionally  art  is  quite 
the  vogue. 

The  people  will  give  you  anything  you  want  if 
you'll  but  ask  in  the  right  way.  They  care  not  if 
you  kill  some  of  them,  or  rob  them  all,  but  do  it  beau 
tifully.  They  will  prove  loyal  if  your  rapacities  are 
cloaked  with  "Law  and  Order"  and  your  misdemean 
ors  tagged  "virtue."  They  will  let  you  denude  them  if 
you  accomplish  it  in  the  name  of  civilization. 

Be  true  to  the  esprit  de  corps  of  success.  No  man 
can  be  successful  enough  to  stand  alone.  Only  the 
success  of  failure  can  indulge  that  luxury.  And  above 
all,  avoid  any  tendency  to  being  natural.  You  will  fail 
if  you  allow  love  any  play.  Nevertheless,  at  times  you 
are  expected  to  manifest  symptoms  of  love.  This  entails 
the  necessity  of  becoming  an  imitator.  A  good  article 
of  make-believe  will  be  effective  as  the  genuine  in  the 
atmosphere  in  which  your  lot  is  cast.  The  moment 
you  yield  to  love  you  have  failed;  success  will  tolerate 
but  one  God. 

Let  me  repeat:     If  you  be  an  earnest  seeker  for 


68  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

success,  your  heart  must  be  dead  and  the  whole  cam 
paign  shifted  to  the  intellect.  That,  too,  is  dead,  but 
the  intellect  being  wise  is  too  wise  to  know  of  the  dead- 
ness  of  its  death.  It  continues  in  galvanic  imitation  of 
life.  One  Chicago  millionaire  has  been  dead  for  forty 
years,  but  so  excellently  galvanized  is  he,  that  the  ad 
ministration  on  his  estate  is  postponed  from  day  to 
day.  When  seen  in  his  automobile  only  last  week  he 
had  a  very  natural,  life-like  look  in  his  eyes,  but  the 
death  grip  on  his  wallet  emitted  the  odors  of  the  tomb. 
This  essay  is  not  written  for  the  benefit  of  the  wise 
in  order  to  convince  them  of  the  efficacy  of  chan 
ging  their  ideal.  They  will  not  accept  my  foolishness 
any  more  than  I  will  bow  down  before  their  wisdom. 
It  is  the  ideal  of  the  wise  to  establish  ideals  for  others. 
Let  them  air  their  wisdom.  They,  too,  have  a  prov 
ince  in  this  world  of  many  mansions.  I  do  not  be 
grudge  them  the  space  they  cumber,  nor  do  I  commis 
erate  the  victims  of  their  wisdom.  Not  that  it  is  my 
ideal  to  decry  the  wondrous  wise!  That  is  a  bit  of 
en  passant  by-play  with  which  I  amuse  myself  while 
resting  for  intervals  in  the  pursuit  of  my  central  ideal. 


SHOES,  PIGS,  AND  PROBLEMS 


SHOES,  PIGS,  AND  PROBLEMS 


WHILE  trying  on  shoes  at  a  shop  one  morn 
ing  I  was  meditating  on  the  nature  of 
problems,  and  why  it  was  that  I  had  none 
to  solve,  and  was  not  even  sure  that  I  would  recognize 
one  should  I  encounter  it  in  my  rambles.  Presently  I 
heard  myself  asking,  "  What  is  a  problem  ? "  and  the 
clerk,  probably  thinking  that  the  question  had  been  ad 
dressed  to  him,  replied: 

"A  problem,  miss,  is  to  get  a  number  six  foot  in  a 
number  three  shoe.  The  way  I've  seen  it  solved  seems 
satisfactory.  The  last  place  I  worked  we  used  to 
mark  down  shoes  on  bargain  Fridays.  I  was  new  at 
the  place  when  I  learned  about  problems.  I  asked 
the  manager  one  Thursday  night  how  much  to  mark 
down  our  neat  six-dollar  gaiters.  The  manager  in 
structed  me  to  put  up  a  sign,  'Shoes  marked  down 
one-half.'  Then  he  directed  me  to  mark  down  the 
size  accordingly,  and  not  bother  about  the  price  at  all." 

"We  don't  do  such  things  in  this  house,"  he  went 
on  to  state,  seeing  that  I  was  more  interested  in  prob 
lems  at  the  moment  than  in  footgear,  "but  at  that 
place  we  used  to  tell  our  customer  we  were  not  sure 
that  we  had  anything  in  stock  quite  small  enough  to 

71 


72  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

fit  her,  unless  perhaps  a  couple  of  pairs  we  happen  to 
have  in  stock  that  were  ordered  especially  for  Cin 
derella  (but  proved  a  trifle  snug)  might  serve.  We 
rarely  failed  to  solve  the  problem  that  way." 

While  I  was  down  at  the  farm,  I  heard  a  great 
commotion  in  the  direction  of  the  sty  one  morning. 
Investigation  showed  that  two  fat  pigs  were  lying  in 
the  trough,  and  the  remainder  of  the  drove  were  ex 
claiming  against  that  bit  of  pre-emption  with  more 
vehemence  than  euphony. 

I  asked  the  assembled  disputants  the  cause  of  the 
uproar,  and  was  given  to  understand  that  they  were 
discussing  the  problems  of  life.  I  asked  them  what 
were  the  problems  of  life,  and  they  said  that  the 
pigs  on  the  outside  wanted  to  get  on  the  inside.  I 
asked  why  they  did  not  let  them  in,  and  a  great  big  fat 
hog  said: 

"We  have  natural  rights  to  life,  liberty,  and  the 
pursuit  of  happiness";  and  all  pigdom  squealed: 

"We  have  natural  rights  to  life,  liberty,  and  the 
pursuit  of  happiness." 

"And  the  object  of  life  is  not  swill,"  said  the  hog  on 
the  inside. 

"And  the  object  of  life  is  not  swill,"  responded  the 
pigs  on  the  outside. 

"We  have  a  right  to  free  assembly  and  free  grunts," 
said  the  hog  on  the  inside. 

"We  have  a  right  to  free  assembly  and  free  grunts," 
they  all  grunted. 


SHOES,  PIGS,  AND  PROBLEMS  73 

"We  must  restrain  our  piggish  nature,"  he  said. 

"We  must  restrain  our  piggish  nature,"  the  echo 
replied. 

And  the  pigs  on  the  outside  were  on  the  outside,  and 
the  pigs  on  the  inside  were  on  the  inside. 

My  intention  was  to  write  a  chapter  on  the  Phi 
losophy  of  Pigville.  You  see  we  have  books  on  almost 
everything  except  the  pig.  Our  younger  brother  is 
being  awfully  neglected,  though  there  is  much  to  say 
and  write  on  pigs.  Carlyle  says  they  are  so  human. 
Yet  there  are  some  points  of  difference  between  the 
swine  and  the  human  species.  I  have  seen  "gentlemen" 
who  were  said  to  be  "as  drunk  as  a  hog,"  but  I  have 
never  seen  a  pig  as  "drunk  as  a  gentleman." 

On  the  surface  it  appears  that  all  you  can  say 
about  pigs  is  swill,  but  swill  is  only  a  small  part.  There 
is  the  religion  of  the  pigs;  the  political  economy  of  the 
hog ;  there  is  the  educated  pig — he  must  not  be  neglected ; 
then  there  is  a  pig  morality — why  should  not  our  dear 
little  brother  have  a  morality  ?  I  studied  them  closely 
and  discovered  that  they  have  no  monogamistic  mar 
riages,  and  I  asked  them  why  they  practiced  polygamy. 
The  reply  was  that  to  do  elsewise  would  interfere  with 
the  stock  market,  and  anything  that  interferes  with  the 
stock  market  is  a  crime.  The  same  old  sow  suggested 
that  I  should  solve  their  economic  problems.  So  I 
called  them  together  and  said  to  them : 

"You  are  pigs,  and  have  pig  natures;  it  is  a  mis 
take  for  you  to  restrain  your  pig  nature.  You  really 


74  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

never  do  it,  but  only  make  a  piggish  bluff  at  repression, 
which  reduces  the  volume  of  your  lard  and  the  delicacy 
of  flavor  of  your  hams.  Being  pigs  you  should  be 
candid  in  your  lives.  Your  natures  demand  that  you 
root,  feed,  love,  serve  and  reproduce  your  kind,  and 
that  you  offer  your  bodies  a  smoked,  salt,  or  sugar-cured 
sacrifice  to  man,  which  is  your  reasonable  service  and 
in  consonance  with  pig  destiny.  This  talk  about 
restraining  your  piggish  natures  is  all  squeal,  and  there 
is  neither  coherence  nor  music  in  it.  You'll  find  no 
peace  in  resistance,  rights,  or  repression.  Be  good." 

There  was  an  educated  pig  in  the  assembly,  and 
he  took  issue  with  me.  "There  are  certain  natural 
rights,"  he  proclaimed,  "and  it  is  a  mistake  to  declare 
that  we  should  not  restrain  the  other  pigs  from  invading 
the  natural  rights  of  pigs.  We  deny  that  any  one  has 
the  right  to  deprive  us  of  our  happiness.  And  my 
solution  of  this  problem  is  that  the  pigs  in  the  trough, 
while  they  have  a  perfect  right  to  be  there,  should 
submit  to  a  system  of  taxation  whereby  their  occupancy 
will  tend  to  the  benefit  of  the  whole  drove." 

I  never  cared  for  educated  pigs,  and  of  all  educated 
pigs  I  deem  the  single-tax  variety  the  least  attractive. 
However,  his  contention  being  based  on  the  wisdom 
of  natural  rights,  his  pig  philosophy  is  of  a  piece  with 
that  of  his  human  confrere. 

Then  I  went  to  an  entertainment  and  there  saw  a 
problem  solved.  The  performer  had  on  a  table  before 
him  two  hats.  Into  one  he  dropped  a  little  ball. 


SHOES,  PIGS,  AND   PROBLEMS  75 

"With  your  kind  permission,  ladies  and  gentlemen, 
one  and  all,"  he  pattered,  "I  will  now,  by  the  mere 
waving  of  this  magic  wand,  cause  the  little  ball  to  pass 
from  the  hat  into  which  you  saw  me  deposit  it,  into 

the  other So,  now  it  has  passed  through  the 

substantial  material  of  both  hats  without  in  anywise 
injuring  the  fabric  of  either.  But  that  is  not  the  most 
wonderful  feature  of  this  act.  Observe  me  now,  as  I 
cause  the  little  ball  to  return  to  the  hat  into  which  you 
saw  me  place  it.  By  the  mere  utterance  of  a  magic 
formula,  accompanied  with  the  proper  manipulation 
of  my  all-powerful  wand,  I  command  the  little  ball  to 
get  back  to  the  first  hat,  and  ....  here,  ladies  and 
gentlemen,  it  is;  and  you  will  observe  as  I  pass  the  hats 
around  among  the  audience  that  they  have  not  been 
injured  by  the  passage  of  the  balls."  Everybody 
applauded.  I  have  a  strong  suspicion  that  the  ball 
never  left  the  hat,  but  should  I  see  things  like  the  wise 
do  I  would  be  no  fool. 

I  came  very  near  solving  a  problem  once  by  guess 
ing  the  solution.  My  guess  was  right,  but  the  prob 
lem  turned  out  to  be  no  problem  at  all,  else  my 
guess  would  have  proved  futile.  The  problem  was 
stated  in  these  terms:  Given  a  tub  full  to  the  brim 
with  water,  and  another  tub  full  of  live  fish,  how 
comes  it  that  one  may  drop  all  the  fish,  one  by  one, 
into  the  tub  of  water,  without  causing  the  water  to 
overflow  ? 

My  guess  was  that  it  was  a  lie. 


76  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

I  think  that  there  are  many  problems  just  like  that 
one.  Perhaps  they  are  all  that  way. 

I  rather  suspect  that  one  of  the  chiefest  problems 
of  life  is  of  that  same  fishy  flavor.  The  problem  is: 
Given  a  God  that  is  All  in  All,  and  humanity  that  has 
only  what  God  grants.  How  comes  it  that  God  gives 
his  creatures  desires  which  he  expects  them  to  suppress  ? 

My  guess  is  that  the  premises  contain  a  lie. 

You  are  entitled  to  a  guess  in  your  turn.  If  you 
get  more  comfort  from  your  guess  than  I  get  from  mine 
you  must  have  a  wonderful  capacity  for  comfort,  and 
in  that  case  I  may  be  justified  in  the  assumption  that 
you  are  a  greater  (because  happier)  fool  than  I. 

The  religious  problem,  as  I  have  been  told  by  those 
in  the  business,  is  how  to  save  man.  Human  beings, 
to  all  appearances,  seem  to  be  well  content  and  loving, 
but  they  say  they  are  not.  They  have  information 
from  somewhere — I  know  not  where — that  man  is 
lost;  and  the  problem  is  how  to  save  him. 

After  looking  carefully  at  the  problems  which  people 
are  trying  to  solve,  I  find  that  a  problem  is  to  do  things 
in  an  "undoable  way." 

The  social  problem  that  worries  our  wise  men  a 
great  deal  I  have  heard  discussed  a  number  of  times  and 
various  remedies  suggested.  I  once  heard  a  lecture  by 
a  wise  man  and  the  problem  of  peace  was  his  subject; 
and  the  trend  of  his  conversation  was  that,  by  having 
arbitration  instead  of  war,  we  will  have  peace  in  society, 
and  the  problem  of  life  will  then  be  solved. 


SHOES,  PIGS,  AND   PROBLEMS          77 

Nature  has  ordained  that  if  you  do  not  comply 
with  her  rules  that  that  particular  member  of  your  phys 
ical  body  which  violates  the  law  suffers.  When  that 
member  escapes  punishment  another  organ  or  member 
suffers.  When  a  man  overloads  his  stomach  with 
liquor,  headache  follows.  It  is  identical  in  the  social 
world.  The  disregarding  of  nature's  rules  brings  pain 
in  the  physical  body,  or  discord  in  the  social  organism, 
and  that  pain  or  discord  is  not  a  punishment  but  a 
warning.  To  live  in  harmony  and  peace  is  nature 
obeyed.  All  our  troubles  come  from  the  unnatural  isms 
and  wasisms  which  create  problems.  Nature  is  broad 
and  great  and  openhanded.  It  is  the  broad,  big  un- 
trammeled  highway.  And  because  the  wasisms  and  isms 
are  forever  crowding  us  in  the  narrow  little  alley,  men 
find  no  room;  consequently,  we  are  constantly  falling 
over  one  another,  and  the  result  is  discord  and  pain. 
To  keep  us  in  this  narrow  alley  and  maintain  peace 
is  the  problem,  and  the  suggestion  of  the  wise  man  is, 
"The  way  to  have  peace  is  to  have  peace,  and  that  is 
by  arbitration  to  make  one  or  the  other  of  the  parties 
in  dispute  shut  up,  and  thereby  not  annoy  the  rest." 

It  seems  to  me  that  all  problems  are  about  like  this : 
How  can  I  pinch  the  cat's  tail  and  escape  the  scratches 
that  are  the  penalty  for  squeezing  cats'  tails  ?  The  only 
way  that  could  be  done  would  be  for  the  cat  to  take  a 
non-resistant  attitude,  and  if  the  cat  could  do  that  (which 
by  the  way  is  not  cat  nature)  you  could  not  then 
pinch  its  tail. 


78  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

It  seems  to  me  that  you  cannot  have  peace  by  force. 
You  can  only  have  peace  when  you  remove  the  inhar 
monious  cause,  otherwise  it  will  only  prevent  discord 
from  expressing  itself.  When  my  child  is  crying  because 
of  a  toothache,  it  is  no  remedy  for  me  to  tell  it  to  shut 
up  because  the  noise  annoys  me.  Suppose  she  complies 
with  my  request  (arbitration  having  been  applied  to 
prevent  the  expression  of  discord)  would  that  stop  the 
toothache  ?  Would  you  get  peace  by  stopping  the 
expression  of  discord  ?  It  seems  to  me  if  there  is 
anything  wrong  in  the  physical  or  social  world  it  would 
be  better  to  remove  the  cause,  and  until  the  cause  is 
removed,  let  us  have  as  much  discord  as  possible.  If 
your  home  is  on  fire,  you  want  a  4:11  alarm  to  wake  up 
the  household;  and  you  are  willing  that  the  din  and 
clamor  of  the  alarm  should  continue  until  the  wake-up 
process  is  complete.  The  way  to  remove  the  cause  is  to 
understand  that  nature  has  not  given  man  desires  to 
suppress  them.  It  is  not  in  prevailing  upon  man  to  do 
things  he  does  not  like  to  do,  or  restraining  him  from 
things  he  does  like  to  do  that  will  give  us  peace. 

However,  the  wise  ones  are  not  satisfied  to  have 
things  natural.  That  would  be  too  easy ;  and  therefore 
they  must  have  problems  which  can  never  be  solved.  I 
have  no  problems  and  no  philosophy  of  Life  to  bother 
me, — I  just  live.  This  conglomeration,  the  I,  with 
feelings,  emotions,  thoughts,  pleasures,  ambitions,  is 
a  wonderful  communistic  society  of  organs  harmoniously 
co-operating  with  no  dictatorship — an  anarchistic 


SHOES,    PIGS,  AND   PROBLEMS         79 

dream — each  performing  for  the  good  of  the  whole. 
They  have  no  wish,  no  desire,  save  the  desire  of  the 
whole.  When  I  walk  on  the  street  my  eyes  pick  out 
nice  clean  spots  for  my  feet  to  step  on;  when  it  would 
please  my  stomach  to  churn  some  good  fruit,  my  eyes 
carefully  select,  my  arms  reach  out,  and  my  hands  pluck 
the  fruit.  There  is  no  jealousy,  no  bickering.  In 
case  of  an  accident  to  one  member,  all  the  others  rush 
to  assist  it.  This  morning  I  thought  I  felt  a  commotion 
in  myself.  Investigation  proved  that  different  members 
of  my  body  were  each  claiming  recognition.  The 
eyes  claimed  that  if  it  would  not  be  for  them  the  other 
members  could  not  see  a  thing  and  would  be  helpless; 
therefore  they  ought  to  have  all  the  glory.  The  ears 
said  without  them  you  could  not  hear.  The  legs  said 
if  they  refuse  to  take  me  from  place  to  place  I  would 
be  in  a  bad  fix.  The  stomach  said  that  it  grinds  all  the 
food  for  the  nourishment.  Sex  claimed  that  it  is  the  real 
thing,  for  it  is  impossible  for  any  other  member  to  have 
existence  except  by  its  action.  And  so  on  every  member 
set  up  its  claim.  Before  I  had  time  to  straighten  things 
out  for  them  I  slipped  on  a  banana  peel  and  then  I 
saw  that  it  was  only  imagination,  for  up  went  my 
hands,  my  body,  and  all  to  regain  my  equilibrium. 
No  one  member  can  have  any  pleasure  without  sharing 
in  company  with  all.  In  milk  there  is  cream,  sour 
milk,  and  water.  In  cream  there  is  butter  and 
buttermilk.  In  sour  milk  there  is  cheese  and  water. 
Can  you  tell  me  which  drop  of  it  when  it  comes  from 


80  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

the  cow  is  cream,  which  is  water,  and  which  is  cheese  ? 
Each  part,  each  drop  of  milk,  contains  all.  There  is  a 
stomach,  a  liver,  and  all  organs  of  my  being  in  my  eye, 
and  still  they  are  eyes.  More  than  that,  everything 
in  this  universe  is  in  the  I — trees,  cows,  fishes,  the 
sun,  the  sunshine,  the  rain  and  wind,  the  moon  and  the 
stars  are  in  the  I.  I  am  the  universe,  and  I  in  turn 
am  in  the  trees,  in  the  cow,  and  in  the  sun,  being  all 
that  I  am  in  the  eye.  I  have  eyes  and  they  see  certain 
things  which  it  pleases  me  for  them  to  see,  and  I  see 
that  they  see.  I  have  ears  and  they  hear.  Certain 
sounds  give  me  pleasure,  and  I  seek  them,  and  shun 
those  which  give  me  pain.  I  have  a  sense  of  touch — 
I  feel  with  my  hands  and  my  body.  There  are  certain 
things  it  pleases  me  to  touch  and  I  touch  them;  and 
the  touch  of  others  being  repulsive,  I  avoid  them.  All 
members  work  in  harmony  without  any  philosophy. 
My  stomach  (I  used  to  have  two)  is  always  at  work, 
and  when  it  is  empty  it  sets  up  a  clamor;  so  it  gives  me 
pleasure  to  have  my  stomach  filled,  and  neither  myself 
nor  my  stomach  care  whether  we  conflict  with  the  rights 
and  the  wrongs  of  society  so  long  as  we  get  our  stomach 
filled.  I  am  very  careful  of  my  stomach.  I  have  it 
surrounded  by  a  wall.  My  principal  organ,  sex,  is 
the  most  delicate  of  me;  it  is  protected  by  a  pair  of  hips, 
that  no  harm  may  come  to  it.  I  am  very  careful  of 
my  eyes,  and  let  down  the  lids  and  cover  them  when 
they  are  not  in  use  or  are  in  danger.  I  am  very  careful 
of  my  ears,  and  they  are  protected  by  frames.  I  have 


SHOES,   PIGS,  AND   PROBLEMS          81 

a  brain  that  does  the  thinking,  and  I  have  a  hard  skull 
to  protect  it — its  private  office. 

Is  it  any  wonder  that  we  poor  fools,  we  happy  fools, 
laugh  at  you  wise,  whose  wisdom  undertakes  to  es 
tablish  peace  by  force  ? 

A  fool  will  tell  you  wise  ones  that  the  only  way  to 
establish  and  maintain  peace  is  to  remove  the  inhar 
monious  conditions  that  disturb  peace.  You  have 
crowded  us  off  nature's  broad  highway,  and  you  punish 
us  for  climbing  your  silly  fences,  and  even  for  laughing 
at  your  flimsy  barriers.  Whenever  we  think  it  worth 
while  we'll  ignore  your  imaginary  fences  and  enjoy  our 
inheritance  to  the  earth  unobstructed  and  unafraid. 

Then,  ye  wise  ones,  "What  are  you  going  to  do 
about  it  ?" 

It  seems  to  me  that  the  real  problems  of  the  wisest 
are  still  before  them. 


DEMOCRACY 


DEMOCRACY 


THERE  once  was  a  man  who  knew  what  a  palla 
dium  was.  He  died  without  bequeathing  the 
mystery,  and  so  we  are  bereft  of  a  positive 
knowledge  on  the  subject.  There  is,  however,  a  tradi 
tion  that  our  constitution  is  the  palladium  of  our 
liberties.  Hence  we  should  have  reverent  regard  for 
palladiums. 

How  grateful  we  should  be  that  we  are  privileged 
to  live  in  a  glorious  democracy.  Each  man  a  sove 
reign  !  All  are  equals !  No  rulers !  The  administrators 
— servants  of  the  people;  no  aristocracy. 

In  this  great  democracy  each  man  is  at  work  under 
the  palladium.  All  are  laborers.  There  are  variant 
degrees  of  labor.  Some  are  better  pleased  with  their 
job  than  others.  But  there  are  always  and  everywhere 
malcontents  who  are  dissatisfied  with  the  work  as 
signed  them.  Some  of  these  creatures  complain  because 
he  who  performs  the  most  laborious  services  receives 
the  slenderest  reward;  as  though  the  delight  in  render 
ing  service  were  in  itself  not  sufficient. 

Yes,  it  is  true,  that  many  of  those  on  whom  is  con 
ferred  the  honor  of  performing  the  hardest  tasks,  do 
not  appreciate  the  distinction  thus  lavished  upon 

85 


86  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

them.  Society  could  not  exist  without  classes.  Our 
best  people  would  be  in  pitiful  plight  if  there  were  not 
a  tired  class  from  which  to  recruit  its  asylums,  its 
social  settlement  work,  its  houses  of  prostitution,  and 
its  police  force. 

Society  requires  a  class  that  must  build  houses,  plan 
and  supply  the  furnishings  for  these  edifices,  make  the 
roads,  grow  foodstuffs  and  fashion  the  clothing. 
It  also  needs  a  class  that  will  use  the  stuff  created.  We 
need  people  to  live  in  the  houses,  make  use  of  the 
roads,  eat  the  stuff  which  is  grown,  and  wear  the  clothes 
fashioned.  Then  we  need  another  class  to  keep  the 
peace  between  them  that  make  the  things  which  they 
care  not  to  use,  and  the  class  that  uses  the  things  but 
makes  none.  I  once  asked  one  of  these  working  fellows 
why  he  wanted  to  be  on  the  police  force.  He  replied 
that  he  might  as  well  have  an  easy  job  as  any  other 
fellow,  and,  he  added,  "we  must  have  a  police  force, 
just  as  we  must  have  sunlight.  Life  and  property 
would  not  be  safe  otherwise." 

It  would  seem  that  the  less  one  has  the  more  he 
requires  protection  for  what  he  has  not,  against  the 
other  fellow  who  also  has  nothing. 

Workers  of  another  class  are  those  that  do  not 
work  with  the  hands.  Theirs  is  brain  work.  They 
furnish  the  intelligence  for  the  manual  laborer,  and 
give  him  permission  to  work.  They  are  called  em 
ployers  of  labor.  They  work  the  workers  and  become 
forceful  factors  in  social  life.  What  would  become  of 


DEMOCRACY  87 


our  poor  ignorant  working-classes  who  know  only  how 
to  work  and  obey  were  it  not  for  our  better  classes 
who  furnish  employment  for  them  ? 

I  remember  hearing  of  an  occurrence  that  illustrates 
how  sadly  our  workfolk  would  fare  if  they  were  not 
given  employment.  During  the  reconstruction  days 
following  the  close  of  the  Civil  War,  an  old  darkey 
sauntered  into  the  handsomely  appointed  offices  of 
the  Freedmen's  Bureau  at  Memphis. 

"Is  dis  yer  de  Freedmen's  Beuoh  ?"  he  asked,  in 
open-mouthed  admiration  of  the  walnut  and  brass 
fittings  of  the  handsome  quarters. 

"This  is  the  place,"  courteously  answered  the  sole 
occupant,  who  appeared  to  be  the  officer  in  charge. 

"Well,  wot  yer  gwine  do  fer  de  cullud  man  ?" 
was  his  next  inquiry. 

"We  can't  do  anything  for  you  just  now,"  said  the 
functionary.  "The  last  appropriation  for  this  office 
was  only  about  enough  to  put  up  these  fixings  and  pay 
our  salaries,  and  Congress  will  not — 

"Lor  bress  ye,  suh,"  interrupted  the  recently  eman 
cipated  citizen,  "I  aint  axin'  fur  no  money,  no  suh! 
All  I  want  is  jess  a  job  er  wukk.  Kain't  you  all  fine 
me  airy  job  ?" 

The  Mississippi  was  high  at  the  time,  and  lots  of 
driftwood  was  floating  down  the  stream.  The  official 
tried  a  bit  of  pleasantry. 

"I'll  give  you  a  job,"  he  said  to  the  old  man. 
"There's  lots  of  driftwood  coming  down  the  river. 


88  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

You  go  out  there  and  gather  all  you  can,  and  I'll  give 
you  half  you  get." 

"All  right,  boss,"  said  the  darkey  to  his  new  em 
ployer;  and  away  he  went. 

By  next  night  the  diligent  employee  had  piled  up 
a  considerable  stack  of  wood.  He  was  congratulating 
himself  on  the  success  of  his  work,  and  making  a  mental 
survey  of  his  half  of  the  proceeds,  when  he  was  ap 
proached  by  a  man  whose  gold-braided  cap  gave 
evidence  of  officialdom. 

"That's  a  pretty  good  pile  of  wood  you've  gathered, 
uncle,"  said  the  newcomer.  "I'll  take  this  half  over 
here,"  he  said  as  he  indicated  one  end  of  the  pile. 

"Lor'  bless  my  soul!"  ejaculated  the  old  fellow. 
"You  doan  look  like  de  Freedman's  Beuoh  gemman." 

"No,"  he  replied;  "I  have  nothing  to  do  with  the 
Bureau,  but  I'm  the  wharf  master,  and  according  to 
the  city  ordinances  I'm  entitled  to  one-half  the  wood 
that's  piled  up  on  this  levee." 

"Ef  dats  de  law,  all  right;  go  ahead.  You  tekk  your 
harf,  and  de  Freedman's  Beuoh  tekk  his  harf — only 
I  hope  you  gemmen  won't  mine  ef  I  tekk  one  little 
stick  off'n  you  all's  harfs  so's  I  kin  mekk  a  fiah  to  cook 
me  any  little  ting  I  mout  be  able  to  steal  fore  mornin.'  ' 

I  tell  this  little  story  to  illustrate  in  a  convincing 
way  that  there's  no  excuse  for  any  able-bodied  man 
ever  to  be  out  of  a  job.  There  are  always  benevolent 
employers  who  will  give  us  work.  We  can  hear  this 
same  truth  from  every  pulpit,  though  perhaps  lacking 


DEMOCRACY  89 


the  anecdotal  form.  And  there  is  always  some  sort 
of  government  that  stands  ready  to  protect  the  producer 
against  the  curse  of  a  surplus.  Nor  do  these  various 
governmental  agencies  neglect  to  protect  the  employer 
in  his  share  of  the  product — and  help  him  get  it  from 
the  producer. 

Brain  work  is  very  effective.  It  gathers  more  in 
one  hour  than  the  toiler  can  produce  in  twelve.  There 
fore  the  brain-worker  does  not  need  to  work  as  long 
as  does  the  man  who  works  with  his  hands.  It  is  a 
fine  disposition  of  things. 

The  brain-worker  requires  an  occasional  vacation. 
The  manual  laborer  can  dispense  with  such  a  rest. 
The  latter  needs  to  work  longer  and  more  continually 
so  as  to  keep  him  out  of  mischief.  The  employer's 
food,  too,  must  be  of  better  quality,  his  clothing  of 
finer  texture,  and  he  must  have  servants  to  wait  on 
him.  The  working  person  must  learn  habits  of  thrift, 
and  should  not  partake  of  expensive  foods.  Indeed, 
adulterated  and  coarse  food  is  more  in  keeping  with 
his  position  in  life;  while  shoddy  clothing  will  give 
him  a  feeling  of  decent  humility,  without  which  he  could 
not  so  readily  be  kept  under  the  wholesome  control  of 
his  benefactor. 

Then  there  are  workers  who  teach  others  how  not 
to  work.  This  is  one  of  the  most  important  branches 
of  our  Democracy.  We  call  it  education,  and  worship 
at  its  shrine.  The  end  and  aim  of  education  is  to 
impress  upon  its  victims  the  necessity  for  a  ruling  class ; 


90  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

and  the  rewards  which  are  promised  to  the  faithful 
pupils  is  either  entrance  into  the  aristocracy  or  a  good 
job  serving  the  people.  The  teacher  may  truly  be 
said  to  be  engaged  upon  brain-work,  for  the  efforts 
of  the  teacher's  brain  is  to  stunt  that  of  the  pupil. 
Neither  the  teacher  nor  the  pupil  brag  about  this  open 
ly;  both  of  them  are  very  much  impressed  with  the 
nobility  of  their  mission.  An  utter  absence  of  a  sense 
of  humor  assures  the  teacher  of  promotion  and  the 
pupil  of  appreciation. 

The  nobility  of  the  teacher's  mission  is  one  of  our 
most  sacred  beliefs.  We  know  that  the  teacher  is 
overworked  and  underpaid.  The  work  consists  of 
twenty-two  to  thirty  hours  per  week  for  eight  or  nine 
months  in  the  year.  During  a  year's  work  the  average 
teacher  can  instruct  fully  one  hundred  pupils  in  the 
mystery  of  escaping  work.  The  ignorant  masses 
who  are  taught  only  the  dignity  of  labor  do  not  appre 
ciate  the  fine  work  of  teaching.  The  masses  must 
be  taught  a  more  proper  esteem  for  intellect,  and  all 
our  teachers  are  beautifully  intellectual. 

The  work  of  priest  and  parson  is  another  branch 
of  labor  that  is  highly  regarded.  These  check  the 
criminal  intent  of  man.  They  teach  peace  and  brother 
hood.  They  are  the  spiritual  guides  of  society,  God 
bless  them !  Horror  on  horror's  head  would  accumu 
late  were  it  not  for  these  indefatigable  workers.  So 
ciety  requires  of  them  only  two  hours'  work  per  week, 
on  the  first  day  thereof,  which  being  the  Lord's  day 


DEMOCRACY  91 


is  not  reverently  regarded  by  the  lords,  but  has  some 
recreative  value  to  those  who  are  not  in  the  lord  class. 

The  work  of  the  Sunday  workman  is  to  convince 
the  poor  man  that  he  has  a  better  chance  to  get  to 
heaven  than  has  his  master.  For  this  teaching  the  mas 
ter  willingly  and  generously  pays  the  hire  of  the  Sunday 
workman.  The  laborer  of  the  pulpit  proves  to  the 
masses  that  it  is  foolish  to  desire  earthly  possessions — 
that  the  rich  are  better  able  to  endure  the  pangs  of 
Hell,  hence  all  earthly  possessions  should  be  turned 
over  to  them,  out  of  which  to  pay  the  parson's  salary. 
Many  fine  preachments  may  be  heard  during  those 
two  Sunday  hours.  We  learn  that  the  poor  man  needs 
only  to  inform  the  pastor  that  he  is  hungry  and  in 
stantly  he  will  be  fed  with  advice  concerning  Good 
Citizenship  and  the  proper  humility  of  those  whom 
it  has  pleased  God  to  cast  for  the  humbler  parts. 

Were  it  not  for  these  laborers  in  the  vineyard  of  the 
Lord  we  should  never  have  discovered  the  close  relation 
ship  between  religion  and  art.  The  trouble,  we  are 
told,  with  the  disinherited  is,  that  they  are  soul-hungry. 
Let  them  go  to  the  art  museum  during  the  Saturday 
half-holiday,  and  to  church  on  Sunday,  and  all  will 
be  well. 

Now  and  then  a  preacher  or  college  professor 
succumbs  to  the  temptation  of  the  devil.  They  blas 
pheme  the  highest  and  mightiest  of  earth.  They 
see  smirch  and  taint  on  the  wealth  from  which  they 
have  been  fed.  There  are  not  many  of  these,  and 


they  are  easily  silenced.  They  are  not  taken  seriously 
by  the  good  people,  and  are  consistently  ignored  by  the 
masses.  They  are  the  victims  of  the  sympathetic 
temperament.  They  commiserate  the  poor.  They 
suffer  agonies  of  excruciation  through  their  compas 
sion  for  the  sufferings  of  the  downtrodden.  And 
their  pain  is  all  for  naught.  For  the  very  people 
with  whom  these  generous  souls  sympathize  are  not 
suffering,  in  actuality,  anything  like  the  pangs  that 
their  champions  are  enduring  in  their  commiseration. 

The  downtrodden  do  not  chafe.  The  poor  do 
not  suffer.  They  are  lulled  to  sleep  by  the  hope  that 
they,  too,  shall  have  their  innings  at  the  lord  game. 
Dear  me!  if  the  disinherited  should  ever  really  get 
to  the  point  of  suffering  that  the  "reformers"  think 
has  already  been  reached — but  why  dwell  on  that 
picture  ?  We  did  not  like  what  happened  in  the 
French  Reign  of  Terror.  That  was  too  large  a  dose 
of  democracy  to  contemplate  complacently. 

As  education  is  the  teaching  of  methods  whereby 
we  can  find  the  way  to  let  others  do  our  work,  so  reli 
gion  seems  to  be  a  method  of  saving  lost  souls  that  are 
not  lost.  A  shepherd  who  left  his  flock  afield  and 
strayed  into  the  village  tavern  insists  to  this  day  that 
it  was  the  sheep  who  were  lost.  There  is  no  soul 
that  so  much  needs  saving  as  his  who  thinks  all  others 
are  lost. 

I  lost  my  garter  this  morning,  and  the  loss  caused 
me  much  worry.  It  is  very  annoying  to  lose  one's 


DEMOCRACY  93 


garter.  The  loss  of  a  garter  implies  loss  of  control 
of  the  stocking.  However,  there's  an  immense  differ 
ence  between  the  loss  of  a  garter  and  the  loss  of  a  soul. 
In  both  instances  there  is  a  minus  mark  involved, 
but  as  to  the  garter  one  loses,  one  seeks  to  recover  it 
for  herself,  while  in  the  matter  of  a  soul  one  can  scarce 
ly  lose  it  before  all  one's  neighbors  are  diligently 
undertaking  to  save  it  for  her.  Moreover,  one  is 
promptly  made  aware  of  the  loss  of  a  garter  by  the 
unrestrained  and  licentious  behavior  of  the  stocking, 
while  one  may  lose  her  soul  and  go  about  her  usual 
avocations  without  any  sense  of  stress  or  strain.  To 
judge  from  the  demeanor  of  those  who  have  been 
gathering  lost  souls,  it  is  a  fair  inference  that  all 
the  decrepitude  of  their  many  finds  has  clung  to  the 
finders.  A  sour  lot  of  souls  some  of  them  must  have 
assimilated  in  the  saving. 

And  some  souls  seem  to  require  frequent  if  not 
periodic  saving.  It's  like  a  fellow  with  two  shirts 
that  he  sends  to  the  laundry  each  week.  In  the  course 
of  the  year  he  had  one  hundred  and  four  shirts  washed, 
yet  he  has  but  the  two.  Hence  when  we  hear  the 
ardent  soul-saver  recount  his  triumphs,  and  he  tells  of 
ten  thousand  souls  saved,  we  are  justified  in  demanding 
an  itemized  account.  Did  he  save  the  same  soul 
ten  thousand  times  ?  Or  two  souls  on  five  thousand 
several  occasions  ?  Or — but  the  mathematical  combina 
tions  are  infinite. 

I  attended  a  revival  meeting  once,  and  saw  the 


94  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

operators  in  the  act  of  saving  souls.  The  revivalist 
by  one  sentence  saved  fifty  souls,  and  the  sentence  was 
"Where  will  you  be  one  hundred  years  from  now, 
where  will  you  be  one  thousand  years  from  now,  where 
will  you  be  ten  thousand  years  from  now  ?"  And  I 
wondered  how  many  souls  he  could  save  if  he  would 
ask  his  audience  where  they  were  one  hundred  years 
ago,  where  they  were  one  thousand  years  ago  and 
where  they  were  ten  thousand  years  ago  ?  That 
would  be  more  convincing,  as  there  is  a  larger  class 
of  people  who  can  tell  what  transpired  yesterday 
than  who  can  tell  what  is  going  to  happen  to-morrow. 
The  soul-savers  always  appear  eager  to  go  where  the 
well-fed  souls  require  saving.  They  discern  a  "call" 
to  a  more  populous  field  with  much  less  difficulty  than 
if  the  call  chance  to  be  to  a  smaller  town.  The  fact 
that  the  larger  the  town  the  larger  the  salary  has,  of 
course,  nothing  whatever  to  do  with  the  case.  The 
"call"  from  one  pastorate  to  another  is  not  the  only  kind 
of  pastoral  call.  There  is  another  kind,  and  the  envious 
say  invidious  things  of  the  pastoral  calls  that  are  made 
while  the  man  of  the  house  is  away  for  a  day  or  on  a 
journey.  A  Kentucky  preacher  received  a  call  to 
a  religious  conference;  so  did  a  Chicago  woman.  He 
moved  to  Chicago  and  has  been  calling  ever  since. 

One  of  the  triumphs  of  Democracy  which  Mr. 
Carnegie  may  interweave  into  some  future  edition  of  his 
edifying  book  on  that  topic,  is  the  discovery  of  the  law  of 
compensation  within  the  realm  of  triumphant  democ- 


DEMOCRACY  95 


racy.  Our  heavenly  guide  has  shown  us  that  the  more 
spiritual  the  work  the  more  material  commodities  should 
be  exchanged  as  fair  compensation. 

He  has  located  heaven  away  off  toward  the  zenith, 
and  bids  you  to  look  up — and  while  you  are  looking 
up  he  looks  down.  Should  he  discover  that  you  are 
burdened  with  possessions  that  are  calculated  to  im 
peril  your  attainment  of  the  goal  toward  which  you 
are  looking,  he  deems  it  no  less  a  duty  than  a  priv 
ilege  to  effect  a  change  of  owners.  For  all  the  world 
like  the  game  I  used  to  play  on  my  baby  brother — 
telling  him,  in  my  artful  little  way,  to  look  up  at  the 
bird,  while  I  possessed  myself  of  his  goodies.  The 
essential  difference  between  my  cute  little  game  and 
the  preacher's  is,  that  I  filched  the  dainties  for  the  fun 
of  teasing  Buster,  while  his  reverence  "plays  for  keeps." 

Little  brother  fooled  me  once  by  refusing  to  be 
fooled.  When  I  bade  him  look  at  the  bird  he  only 
laughed  and  reached  for  his  goodies.  Funny  what  a 
queer  child  he  was.  If  big  folks  were  not  wiser  than 
babies  it  would  make  a  substantial  difference  in  the 
bank  account  of  His  Holiness. 

While  the  pedagogue  is  teaching  the  young  idea 
to  overreach,  and  the  parson  is  busy  saving  souls,  let 
it  not  be  thought  that  our  material  welfare  is  being 
overlooked.  Our  lawmakers  and  judges  are  giving  their 
serious  attention  to  such  matters.  Fortunately  for 
our  country  there  are  always  many  patriotic  and  gener 
ous  souls  ready  to  sacrifice  themselves  to  serve  their 


96  THOUGHTS  OF  A   FOOL 

country  in  legislative  and  judicial  capacities.  There 
is  a  legend  that  once  there  was  a  lawyer  who  declined 
to  immolate  himself  on  the  altar  of  patriotism.  It 
is  further  stated  that  he  would  have  had  to  surrender 
a  practice  worth  $1,200  per  annum  for  a  judgeship  at 
that  time  paying  but  $900  a  year.  Later  he  was  suf 
ficiently  patriotic  to  accept  a  job  as  senator  at  $8,000 
a  year. 

The  duties  of  the  lawmaker  are  to  provide  pro 
tection  for  society.  To  carry  out  his  purpose  in  the 
line  of  his  duty,  he  must  see  to  it  that  the  humble  poor 
are  protected  against  the  predatory  rich.  Of  course, 
the  rich  as  a  class  have  some  rights,  too,  which  cannot 
be  overlooked.  It  is  truly  refreshing  to  observe  with 
what  a  wealth  of  patriotic  zeal  they  engage  upon  their 
task.  To  look  at  them  in  session  you  would  esteem 
them  as  mere,  ordinary,  plain  men.  This  is  because 
of  the  democratic  spirit  of  our  age.  Our  greatest, 
wisest,  noblest,  and  best  take  a  pardonable  pride  in  mas 
querading  as  humble  citizens.  But  their  work  shows  how 
sapient  and  pure  they  are.  Elected  by  the  enlightened 
masses,  they  are  truly  representatives  of  the  source 
from  whence  they  spring.  The  ballot  is  a  very  wizard 
in  selecting  for  us  our  choicest  and  finest  and  most 
sagacious. 

I  have  known  a  disreputable  tavern-keeper  who 
pandered  to  the  most  depraved  people  in  his  district; 
whose  word  was  not  accepted  by  even  the  most  credu 
lous,  who,  when  he  became  a  "grave  and  reverend 


DEMOCRACY  97 


seignor"  in  our  state  senate,  immediately  became  the 
paragon  of  statesmen,  the  model  of  virtue,  and  the 
pattern  of  the  boys  in  the  high  school  of  his  district. 
This  shows  the  wisdom  of  the  ballot.  That  states 
man  associated  himself  with  the  vile  and  disreputable 
in  order  to  discover  their  real  needs  so  that  he  might 
understand  and  supply  those  needs  after  his  election. 
He  really  was  a  great  man  in  disguise. 

There  is  a  dignity  about  public  service  which  pri 
vate  service  somehow  does  not  grant.  Our  legisla 
tors  are  public  servants.  When  we  consider  the 
difficulty  inherent  in  serving  some  one  person,  we  can 
understand  the  sacrifice  that  our  public  servants  make 
in  the  multiplied  duty  of  serving  the  many. 

I  once  told  my  cook  that  she  ought  to  be  very  proud 
to  be  a  servant.  "All  our  great  men  are  servants,"  I 
assured  her.  Thereupon  she  called  me  a  fool,  and 
took  other  service.  She  served  me  at  last  by  giving 
me  some  occupation  for  my  alleged  thoughts.  The 
burden  of  my  cogitations  is  to  discover  how  she  found 
me  out. 

The  public  servant  is  he  who  protects  us  from  all 
evil.  He  saves  us  from  the  vicious  elements  in  society. 

His  work  is  hard  on  the  brain,  and  therefore  he 
must  have  an  abundance  of  material  things  to  com 
pensate  the  great  drain  on  his  system.  He  loves  to 
serve  the  public.  So  much  so  indeed,  that  he  is  in 
clined  to  be  jealous  of  the  like  service  being  rendered 
by  any  other  person  than  himself.  He  often  spends 


98  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

more  than  one-half  of  the  emoluments  of  his  job  in  order 
to  keep  from  being  supplanted  by  some  other  servant 
who  would  dearly  love  to  serve  the  public. 

The  public  servant  is  often  a  glittering  and  conspic 
uous  success  as  a  financier.  Without  any  special  train 
ing  in  finance,  before  assuming  the  duties  and  respon 
sibilities  of  being  a  public  servant,  he  early  discovers 
methods  whereby  it  is  possible  for  him  to  save,  during 
his  incumbency,  anywhere  from  97  per  cent  to  2,463  per 
cent  of  his  salary.  These  mathematics  are  not  taught 
by  the  laborers  who  teach  young  children,  but  the 
results  of  that  system  of  financiering  are  held  up  to  the 
tender  and  plastic  mind  of  childhood  as  worthy  of  all 
emulation,  and  indicative  of  great  merit. 

The  labor  of  being  a  public  servant  may  be  summed 
up  as  being  good  business  and  scintillant  patriotism. 
A  fool  might  be  pardoned  for  considering  it  as  patriotic 
business. 

There  be  other  laborers,  too,  who  sit  astride  the 
necks  of  the  lower  classes.  All  of  them  have  no  greater 
desire  than  to  benefit  the  worker  who  works,  but  they 
are  not  willing  to  dismount.  And  the  worker  who 
works  and  carries  his  additional  burden  seems  disposed 
to  feel  a  vague  sort  of  pride  in  being  a  part  of  the  system 
whereby  he  can  sustain  the  entire  load  of  society.  The 
merit,  however,  is  not  so  much  his  as  that  of  the  masterly 
trainers  who  keep  him  contented  with  his  lot.  When 
we  see  a  particularly  well-trained  dog  we  give  our  ad 
miration  to  the  trainer — not  to  the  dog. 


DEMOCRACY  99 


Great  is  Democracy !  Under  its  palladium  even  the 
humblest  of  us  has  a  voice.  We  are  permitted  to  vote. 
We  elect  our  public  servants.  Then  we  permit  our 
good  masters  to  select  a  committee  to  watch  our  ap 
pointees.  Then  we  have  a  voters'  league  to  keep  an 
eye  on  the  committee.  Then  we  have  a  society  to  watch 
the  voters'  league.  And  so  ad  infinitum. 

An  English  writer  would  not  even  deprive  his  poul 
try  of  the  franchise.  He  tells  us  that  when  he  kills  a 
hen  for  his  dinner  he  always  consults  the  fowl  as  to  her 
preference  in  the  matter  of  her  cooking.  If  she  is  too 
stolid  (as  so  many  of  our  voters  are)  to  signify  her 
preference,  of  course  he  goes  ahead  in  his  own  way. 
She  has  had  her  day  at  the  polls,  and  having  failed  to 
exercise  her  privilege,  has  practically  abandoned  her 
rights.  Should  the  chicken  protest  against  being 
plucked,  that  would  be  anarchy,  and  she  would  then 
suffer  death  as  a  penalty. 

Our  public  servants  manipulate  the  taxing  power 
very  much  as  my  English  friend  wields  his  cleaver  on 
chicken-killing  day.  Plucking  is  good  for  chickens, 
and  taxing  is  good  for  the  producers  of  commodities. 

A  fire  insurance  company  protects  us  from  loss  by 
fire;  an  accident  insurance  company  from  loss  by  acci 
dent;  a  life  insurance  company  from  monetary  loss  by 
death. 

But  government  is  a  combine.  All  rights  are  taken 
under  its  wings  and  protected.  The  charge  is  small, 
and  is  collected  whether  you  agree  or  not.  You  pay  it 


100  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

when  you  buy  the  things  you  need.  They  are  getting 
the  trading-stamps  instead  of  you,  and  for  that  you  get 
so  much  protection  that  it  is  almost  incomprehensible. 

For  the  payment  of  a  certain  sum,  an  accident,  life, 
and  burglar  insurance  company  will  pay  you  the 
amount  insured  on  your  furnishing  the  evidence  that 
you  sustained  the  loss  against  which  they  insured  you. 

How  different  it  is  with  government.  The  govern 
ment  charges  you  so  much  for  being  protected  from  all 
aggressions,  and  when  they  have  failed  to  protect,  and 
you  have  been  aggressed,  there  are  more  fees  which  you 
pay,  by  way  of  expense  of  trying  the  aggressor,  and  if  the 
aggressor  has  been  proven  guilty  (which  means  that 
the  government  has  not  kept  its  contract  to  protect  you) 
there  is  another  cost  to  you  to  defray  the  expense  of 
feeding  and  clothing  the  aggressor. 

If  a  person  would  run  an  insurance  company  on 
that  basis,  how  insured  would  the  insured  ones  be  ? 

Altogether  we  should  be  very  proud  of  our  Democ 
racy. 


PRESSING  HIS  TROUSERS 


PRESSING  HIS  TROUSERS 


IT  is  a  great  privilege  to  be  civilized.  Uncivilized 
people  have  too  little  regard  for  what  their  neigh 
bors  think;  although  there  is  just  the  possibility 
that  uncivilized  neighbors  are  not  disposed  to  be  cen 
sorious. 

Two  people,  in  civilization,  who  become  enamoured 
of  each  other  and  have  the  prompting  to  rear  a  family, 
must  first  consult  the  neighborhood  and  secure  the  sanc 
tion  of  some  authority  under  proper  and  altogether 
necessary  forms  or  incantations. 

Should  they  discover  that  they  were  mistaken  in  the 
strength  of  the  attachment  which  brought  them  to 
gether,  they  can  again  go  to  the  neighborhood  with 
their  grievances,  and  by  subjecting  their  differences  to 
other  formula,  they  may  be  relieved  of  the  burden  of 
continuing  an  untenable  relation. 

Uncivilized  people  would  regard  so  intimate  a  rela 
tion  as  concerning  only  the  contracting  parties  them 
selves.  Their  point  of  view  is  warranted  by  their  state 
of  uncivilizedness. 

The  ethics  of  civilization  demand  that  we  be  thor 
oughly  unselfish  in  such  matters.  If  we  find  that  our 
marriage  contracts  have  involved  us  in  misery,  we  should 

103 


104  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

bear  up  under  the  affliction.  It  is  but  little  to  suffer 
for  the  good  of  civilization.  The  Tolstoian  doctrine  of 
non-resistance  should  serve  well  in  a  divorce  court.  If 
I  can  convince  a  court  that  I  am  dead  in  love  with  my 
husband  I  can  get  a  decree  within  an  hour.  If  it 
becomes  known  that  I  am  miserably  unhappy  with 
my  spouse,  the  court  will  deny  me  relief.  If  you  analyze 
it  critically  you  will  see  the  wisdom  of  that.  Why 
should  people  separate  merely  because  they  cannot 
agree  ?  Disagreement  is  a  good  reason  for  them  to 
keep  on  living  together.  Uncivilized  people  would 
separate  when  harmony  ceases,  but  the  ethics  of  civilized 
people  is  to  be  unselfish,  and  the  more  misery  you  have 
the  larger  the  duty  implied. 

A  Chicago  man  applied  for  a  divorce,  and  his  peti 
tion  set  forth  the  specification  that  "tootsie  wootsie" 
failed  to  perform  her  wifely  functions,  and  refused  to  do 
her  bounden  duty  in  not  pressing  "hubby's  trousers." 

The  club  women  of  Chicago  have  seldom  enjoyed 
a  more  enticing  subject.  And  I  thought  that  I,  too, 
would  take  a  hand  in  this  discussion,  and  figure  out  in 
my  own  way  whether  it  be  indeed  a  woman's  duty  to 
press  her  husband's  trousers.  I  picked  up  Webster's 
unabridged  dictionary  to  find  what  duty  was,  and  I 
saw  that  he  divided  it  into  three  classes,  natural,  social, 
and  legal. 

A  man's  obligation  to  nature  is  called  his  natural 
duty;  his  obligation  to  society  is  his  moral  duty;  his 
compliance  with  the  law  is  his  legal  duty. 


PRESSING  HIS  TROUSERS  105 

Angels  may  well  fear  to  tread  upon  the  sacred 
ground  pre-empted  by  the  definition-makers.  I  am  a 
fool,  and  have  no  fear  about  rushing  into  the  fray,  and 
declaring  that  when  Webster  does  not  agree  with  me, 
then  Noah  is  wrong,  and  that  there  is  no  other  duty 
than  legal  duty.  We  look  in  vain  for  the  germ  of  duty 
in  nature.  It  is  not  the  duty  of  the  lightning  to  flash; 
it  just  flashes.  It  is  not  the  duty  of  the  bird  to  sing;  it 
sings.  It  is  not  the  duty  of  the  rose  to  emit  perfume; 
nor  of  the  dunghill  to — but  why  go  into  unsavory 
crannies,  though  nature  lead  the  way  ?  Nor  is  there 
any  evidence  of  moral  duty  anywhere  on  the  mental 
horizon.  There  is  only  Love  that  prompts  us,  and 
wherever  anything  is  done  that  is  not  done  by  love  it  is 
done  by  hypocrisy.  Surely  duty  is  not  hypocrisy — or 
am  I  foolish  in  saying  this  ?  If  one  be  honest  only 
from  a  sense  of  duty,  how  honest  is  he  ? 

But  legal  duty  is  a  "sure-enough"  concept.  We 
may  obey  our  parents  because  we  honor  them.  He  is  a 
coward  who  obeys  from  fear.  Hence  obedience 
yielded  from  any  other  sense  than  that  of  love  is  coward 
ice,  not  duty.  Shall  we  exalt  cowardice  ?  Being  a  fool 
I  would  advise  against  that  course.  What  say  you,  O 
ye  wise  ?  Duty  means  to  do  something  you  don't  like 
to  do,  while  obedience  to  nature  is  one  of  joy,  besides 
giving  you  health,  pleasure,  and  happiness.  Nature 
will  always  give  you  the  desire  to  fulfil  the  obligation  she 
imposes  upon  you.  Disobey  nature  and  she  will 
punish  you  with  ill  health  and  misery.  Society  will 


106  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

thank  you  for  complying  with  its  moral  obligations. 
If  you  are  the  cause  of  stopping  a  runaway  horse, 
thereby  preventing  an  accident;  if  you  save  a  drowning 
person,  or  in  any  manner  become  active  in  averting 
danger  to  others,  you  become  a  hero.  You  have  the 
praise  of  the  public.  Society  will  shun  and  look  down 
upon  you  if  you  have  not  the  welfare  of  others  at 
heart.  Rewards  for  obedience  and  punishment  for 
disobedience  are  the  methods  by  which  life  imposes 
its  obligation  on  the  individual. 

Now,  our  legal  duty  is  to  obey  the  laws.  There  is 
no  direct  reward  for  obedience  to  legal  behests,  but 
there  is  punishment  for  disobedience,  if  one  be  not 
careful.  Hence  the  first  duty  of  the  citizen  is  to  beware 
lest  he  be  caught  undutifully  attitudinizing  toward  the 
law  of  the  land.  There  are  some  laws  so  adjusted  that 
there  is  a  direct  reward  for  conformity.  As  for  in 
stance,  those  enactments  that  provide  that  one-half  the 
penalty  be  awarded  the  informer.  A  fool  might  wish 
that  the  penalty  in  all  such  cases  were  lashes  on  the 
bare  back,  in  order  that  the  informer  might  be  justly 
rewarded.  However,  it  is  not  for  the  fool  to  make  laws. 
Then  there  are  extra  rewards  for  officers  of  the  law  to 
perform  so  disagreeable  a  "duty"  as  to  hang  or  elec 
trocute  the  condemned.  There  is  here  a  sort  of  con 
fession  that  society  is  requiring  from  an  officer  a  service 
which  itself  condemns,  and  soothes  the  conscience  of 
the  functionary  with  some  thirty  pieces  of  silver.  It 


PRESSING  HIS  TROUSERS  107 

is  against  the  natural  feeling  of  man  to  kill,  maim,  or 
injure  his  fellows,  and  therefore  he  must  be  paid  for 
his  act  in  some  more  substantial  manner  than  the  mere 
recognition  of  duty  done.  And  so,  in  greater  or  lesser 
degree,  all  these  things  which  are  done  from  a  sense  of 
duty  are  in  conflict  with  the  natural  and  moral  per 
ceptions  of  man.  Any  other  compliance  with  "good 
citizenship  "  does  not  hinge  upon  the  duty  spook  at  all. 
A  mother  nurses  her  child,  not  because  she  has  to,  but 
because  she  loves  to.  If  you  dislike  to  take  a  fool's 
dictum  for  this,  analyze  for  yourself,  and  see  where  it 
leads  you.  Hence  the  whole  scheme  of  society  is  being 
sustained  by  an  artificial  prop.  It  is  the  province  of 
the  school  and  church  to  keep  this  prop  continually 
braced.  Obedience  to  the  law  is  the  surface  cry  of 
these  institutions.  They  teach  it,  preach  it,  insist  upon 
it,  yet  all  the  cajolery  and  blandishments  employed  are 
not  sufficient  without  the  element  of  force.  And  with 
all  the  force  that  is  exerted  to  sustain  the  laws,  they  are 
violated  continually.  There  is  no  one,  however  much 
inoculated  with  the  duty  spook,  who  does  not  violate 
some  law  some  of  the  time,  though  perhaps  it  cannot 
be  said  that  any  one  violates  all  the  law  all  the  time. 
Yet  the  more  conscious  we  are  of  disobedience  to  exist 
ing  laws,  the  more  new  laws  we  pile  upon  our  statute 
books  to  be  broken. 

Pressing  a  husband's  trousers  does  not  appear  to 
be  a  natural  duty.     If  it  be  a  natural  pleasure,  then  the 


108  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

reward  for  doing  the  pressing  is  the  pleasure  that 
follows  the  operation.  The  woman  in  the  case  cited 
seemingly  derived  no  pleasure  from  pressing  the 
trousers  of  her  lord  and  master.  Hence  nature  had  no 
voice  in  the  case.  Nor  could  such  a  service  be  called 
a  moral  duty,  inasmuch  as  there  is  nowhere  a  moral 
code  whereby  one  could  be  adjudged  immoral  by  re 
fraining  from  applying  the  pressure  of  a  hot  iron  to 
hubby's  "pants."  Indeed,  it  may  be  said  that  the 
custom  is  one  more  honored  in  the  breeches  than  in  the 
trousers.  But  that  is  the  comment  of  a  fool,  and  need 
not  be  seriously  considered.  I  am  ostracized  for  being 
a  fool,  but  I  have  never  yet  heard  of  a  woman  being 
ostracized  for  omitting  to  press  her  husband's  trousers, 
nor,  on  the  other  hand,  have  I  ever  heard  a  woman 
praised  for  faithful  attention  to  the  requirements  of 
her  husband's  bifurcated  garments.  Even  at  funerals 
of  noble  women  have  I  never  heard  (and  generally  at 
that  time  all  the  good  deeds,  big  or  little,  are  said  in  her 
favor)  the  funeral  orator  say,  "  Here  lies  a  noble  woman 
who  never  missed  a  day  without  pressing  her  husband's 
trousers." 

While  there  is  a  question  of  legal  duty,  no  penalty 
seems  to  have  been  prescribed  for  non-observance,  and 
no  legal  reward  for  compliance.  Perhaps  if  after  all 
it  were  a  legal  duty,  you  would  find  that  the  wife  of  each 
public  functionary  would  be  setting  a  lofty  example  by 
being  photographed  at  the  ironing-board  and  having  a 
daily  levee  at  pressing  time.  And  by  not  doing  it,  it 


PRESSING  HIS  TROUSERS  109 

is  plainly  to  be  seen,  that  it  is  not  a  legal  duty.  While 
it  is  neither  natural,  moral,  nor  legal  to  press  husband's 
pants,  yet  if  your  husband  be  a  tailor,  and  you  an  indus 
trious  woman,  you  will  press  pants,  sew  buttons,  and 
do  anything  to  help  along. 


POTATOES 


POTATOES 


BY  means  of  certain  noises,  such  as  hisses  and 
grunts,  producing  in  combination  various 
sounds,  created  by  manipulations  of  the  muscles 
of  mouth,  jaws,  lips,  throat,  and  tongue,  thoughts  are 
communicated  among  mankind.  Before  language  was 
well  developed  there  must  have  occurred  many  oddities 
of  expression.  Doubtless  numerous  misunderstandings 
resulted  by  reason  of  different  words  being  used  for 
names  of  one  and  the  same  object.  But  as  the  tailless  va 
rieties  of  bipeds  adopted  lingual  methods  of  communica 
tion,  certain  sound-tags  have  at  last  come  to  stand  for 
definite  material  objects,  thoughts,  and  feelings.  Thus 
words  have  meaning.  Vocal  labels  which  express  whole 
ideas  are  not  easily  misunderstood.  When  I  use  the 
word  potato,  I  make  a  mental  image  of  a  succulent 
tuber,  white  inside,  and  with  a  surface  of  brown,  red, 
or  gray;  a  most  convenient  adjunct  to  roast  beef.  I 
convey  to  the  listener  a  conception  in  all  respects  similar 
to  my  own,  he  knowing  that  I  refer  to  a  certain  food 
product  which  grows  underground.  Thus,  without 
further  description,  a  potato  is  known  as  a  potato. 

Acts  are  likewise  named.     We  speak  of  a  robber,  a 
thief,  a  genius,  and  a  prostitute,  and  a  whole  idea  is 

113 


114  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

conveyed  by  each  of  these  terms,  and  quite  a  definite 
one.  But  the  irregular  tags  which  we  attach  to  many 
things — tags  which  convey  an  uncertain,  double,  or 
shifting  meaning — are  most  puzzling,  and  therefore 
remain  quite  outside  of  my  comprehension.  The  brain- 
fagging  puzzle  is  the  irregular  label  which  stands  for 
effect,  and  carries  an  equivocal  meaning  with  it; — 
own  cousin  to  the  vessel  that  has  a  false  bottom. 

When  I  use  the  word  thief  I  do  not  have  in  mind  a 
general  term  which  applies  to  all  persons  that  secretly 
appropriate  property  belonging  to  another,  for  if  one 
steals  an  overcoat  and  people  know  that  he  has  an  over 
coat  at  home  and  so  has  no  need  of  another  (and  also 
that  he  has  the  price  to  get  himself  an  overcoat  if  he 
wishes),  he  cannot  then  be  called  a  thief;  he  is  a  klepto 
maniac,  which  is  a  joke  on  stealing.  The  word  thief 
is  used  and  applied  only  to  the  person  who  steals  an 
overcoat  because  he  is  sorely  in  need  of  one,  or  he  needs 
the  money  which  the  overcoat  would  bring  him  in  the 
pawnshop.  This  man  is  a  thief! 

The  term  "thief,"  besides  explaining  the  act,  carries 
with  it  also  a  certain  reproach.  On  the  other  hand, 
when  I  say  "he  made  a  good  bargain,"  I  mean  that, 
while  the  fellow  took  the  property  of  another  like  the 
thief  did,  his  act  is  deserving  of  praise;  and  a  thief  is 
not  a  thief.  When  I  call  a  man  a  robber,  I  am  thinking 
of  one  who  takes  property  by  brute  force — a  term  which 
carries  with  it  an  odor  of  ill-repute;  a  man  to  be 
avoided.  But  when  I  speak  of  some  robbers  I  call  them 


POTATOES  115 


soldiers.  They  are  patriots  who  save  the  country — 
whose  career  is  one  of  conquest;  and  robbers  are  not 
robbers.  The  term  murder  signifies  the  taking  of  the 
life  of  one  human  being  by  another  or  others,  and  there 
is  conveyed  an  idea  of  violence,  cruelty,  and  disgrace. 
But  the  infliction  of  capital  punishment,  which  is  also 
taking  the  life  of  another  may  elicit  my  approval;  and 
thus  murder  is  not  murder. 

The  term  prostitution  implies  a  temporary,  love 
less,  but  pecuniary  relationship  between  man  and 
woman,  and  it  has  disgraceful  implications;  but  I  jus 
tify  the  pride  of  a  woman  who  has  made  a  good  catch ; 
her  act  is  like  the  other,  but  meets  with  my  approval; 
and  a  prostitute  is  not  a  prostitute.  A  fight  is  looked 
upon  as  an  unmanly  and  disgraceful  proceeding,  and 
one  who  will  strike  another  with  his  fists  is  described 
as  being  low ;  but  let  a  thousand  men  fight  with  another 
thousand,  the  act  is  called  war,  and  I  justify  and  praise 
it;  for  a  fight  is  no  longer  a  fight.  When  a  stronger 
person  hits  a  weaker  we  call  it  a  cowardly  act,  and  it  is 
condemned;  still  a  judge  on  the  bench  said  that  should 
a  man  whip  his  wife,  a  mother  her  daughter,  a  teacher 
her  pupil,  it  is  called  discipline.  Thus  it  is  easy  to  be 
seen  that  a  potato  is  not  always  a  potato  after  all,  no 
matter  how  clearly  the  word  potato  signifies  the  staying 
powers  of  the  Irish  stomach;  no  matter  how  plainly 
the  word  calls  to  mind  the  irregular-shaped  and  various- 
sized  murphies  which  the  farmer  digs,  sacks,  and  takes 
to  market. 


116  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

Being  what  I  am,  I  do  not  pretend  to  know  when  a 
potato  is  not  a  potato,  but  I  do  know  when  a  potato  is 
a  potato,  and  I  know  that  I  know  it.  As  an  ignoramus 
then,  I  should  like  to  be  informed  why  it  is  that  an 
untruth  is  sometimes  in  plain  English  called  a  lie,  and 
at  other  times  a  piece  of  diplomacy ;  why  should  scandal 
passing  from  mouth  to  mouth  be  called  harmful  gossip, 
and  immediately  it  appears  in  a  daily  paper  is  dignified 
by  the  name  of  news;  why  playing  upon  green  cloth  is 
called  gambling,  while  playing  upon  the  susceptibilities 
of  financial  lambs,  who  bleat  on  the  floor  of  a  chamber 
of  commerce,  is  called  speculation.  I  am  waiting  for 
a  man  to  arise  who  can  explain  to  me  the  difference 
between  a  libertine  and  a  devil;  who  can  tell  me  why 
a  beer-soaked  laborer  is  described  as  being  drunk,  and 
a  champagne-saturated  baron  is  spoken  of  as  being  ex 
hilarated.  Again,  who  can  make  as  plain  as  day  the 
difference  between  hypocrisy  and  the  keeping  up  of 
appearances;  or  between  a  stuck-up  woman  and  one 
having  a  proud,  haughty  bearing.  The  latter  I  am 
sure  could  make  clear  to  me  when  a  potato  is  not  a 
potato.  It  is  a  fool's  privilege  to  ask  questions,  and  the 
wise  may  answer  them  in  terms  the  scoffer  cannot 
understand. 

Mary  goes  into  symbolical  gustatory  raptures  over 
beef  steak  and  green  onions,  while  she  does  not  care  a 
single  kitchen  whiff  for  the  names  with  which  these 
solid  dainties  have  been  labeled.  The  real  joy  lies  in 
the  juicy  steak  and  the  succulent  green  onions  which 


POTATOES  117 


she  masticates  so  vigorously.  Had  our  ape-like  pro 
genitors  of  the  long  ago  named  the  juicy  steak  and  green 
onions  loneliness  and  barrenness  respectively,  Mary 
would  have  gone  into  raptures  just  as  readily.  She 
would  have  ruminated  the  loneliness  and  barrenness  of 
it  all,  while  "  darning  "  all  thoughts  of  steak  and  onions ! 
If  "  a  rose  by  any  other  name  would  smell  as  sweet," 
is  there  any  explanation  to  be  had  of  the  case  in  hand  ? 
Though  if  a  rose,  called  a  skunk-cabbage,  would  smell 
as  sweet,  would  a  skunk-cabbage,  though  called  a  rose, 
cease  to  present  its  pungent  challenge  to  our  olfac 
tories  ?  If  we  were  all  skunk-cabbages  would  we  de 
light  in  enjoying  our  own  odors  ?  Of  one  thing  only 
am  I  sure  in  this  connection,  that  a  potato  is  a  potatc 
sometimes. 


BUZZ-SAWS,    SHORTCAKE, 
AND  RIGHTS 


BUZZ-SAWS,    SHORTCAKE, 
AND  RIGHTS 


TO  a  man  and  his  wife  a  child  was  born.  As 
they  were  legally  married,  I  suppose  the  child 
had  a  right  to  be  born.  The  infant  had  a  head 
and  all  the  members  which  belong  to  a  well-regulated 
head.  It  had  two  legs,  and  each  leg  had  a  foot; 
on  each  foot  there  were  five  toes.  It  also  had  two 
arms  with  hands  attached  to  them,  and  each  hand 
had  five  fingers.  I  suppose  he  had  a  right  to  every 
thing  he  had. 

The  parents  named  the  boy  Eugene  McCaren  Bum- 
phrey,  and  I  cannot  see  why  they  should  not  have  the 
right  to  name  him  Bumphrey,  or  any  other  name,  if  they 
had  so  chosen. 

No  wise  man  will  deny  that  Eugene  had  the  right 
to  life,  to  his  name,  and  to  his  fingers. 

Nevertheless  when  in  the  course  of  time  he  went  to 
work,  Eugene  lost  three  fingers  off  his  right  hand  while 
employed  at  the  saw-mill.  He  didn't  know  much  about 
the  taking  ways  of  a  circular  saw  when  its  buzz  is  in 
active  business. 

The  wise  men  have  not  yet  informed  us  whether, 
in  taking  Eugene's  fingers,  the  saw  also  took  his  right 

121 


THOUGHTS  OF   A   FOOL 


N:~.  i:  :        -        ::•;*:  ::.-;   £:^-;r?  ;.  -.: 
right,  what  pxxi  i>  the  rLcht  to  Eugene  r 
:'.  v  ...;.:  -:    :_.-;    ~_:..:    L~    -  .......  ..-   It 

.  --  :  —;.-.:!  :i  :_:-.  ::__-.:_  _  --  Li.  CD 
d  although  really  the  left  hand  has 
"  ."_.  ::.  -:  ;A>:  ,  ::.:  -:.  .  _  :  .-.  :  _  '_.. 


-•.--;:  .-:  :>    -    :.: 

-  ..:.-.:•.•-;•'•.".-;. 

u~ii   .  .  -.    ~-    "        ! 

-j.~;:f^:  •  L:  e:     :~    :  .:        ! 
i   .^  ^'j.~i.i.     -.  •  _         -          : 


•  :r--.;;:  ::  ^Arri- 
icobur  human  being: 
r  :ii.:  i:  :  :r 


r-:iz:  out  the 
iome  the  Slave 

.       '        -        - 
r  D^;lirir::-3  of 
r^rhfe.  but   it  ac- 

'    m 

?  in  "he 
T  ~  ::  M^T 

::  U  cliimed 


j..   "    s:h'r  -:: 


BUZZ-SAW:?,  SHORTCAKE.  AND   RIGHTS     1*5 


:-.  :  ;.-: 


A  ~.-r.^ 


....          .  _ 
I::-,  -r** 

.-.  ---  -- 


124  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

We  won  no  rights  from  Great  Britain  when  we  set  up 
national  housekeeping  on  our  own  hook.  The  mother 
country  had  none  that  we  could  win.  We  did  not  fight 
our  Revolutionary  War  in  order  to  gain  any  rights.  Our 
revolt  was  a  denial  of  rights.  We  denied  that  King 
George  had  any  of  the  rights  cited  in  our  catalogue  of 
denials  called  our  Declaration  of  Independence. 

There  is  a  most  important  difference  between  our 
denial  of  the  right  of  the  other  fellow  to  aggress,  and 
our  putting  a  chip  on  our  own  shoulder,  calling  it  by 
the  name  of  "  rights  "  in  order  to  terrify  the  invader. 

When  I  was  down  at  the  farm  last  year,  my  uncle 
brought  in  some  peaches  on  Saturday  night.  My 
cousin  and  I  ate  them,  not  knowing  that  they  were 
especially  consecrated  to  the  purpose  of  Sunday  peach 
shortcake.  Uncle  was  wroth  when  he  learned  that 
his  plans  had  been  frustrated,  as  he  is  "powerful  fond 
o'  shortcake."  He  said  that  he  had  planted  "them 
peaches,  and  had  the  right  to  say  what  was  to  be  done 
with  'em,  and  didn't  like  the  idea  of  a  passel  of  silly 
gals  that  oughter  have  better  sense  nebbin'  in."  He 
had  all  the  rights  after  we  had  devoured  his  peaches 
that  he  had  ever  had,  and  I  never  thought  to  ask  him 
why  he  did  not  have  Jane  make  a  shortcake  of  the  rights, 
for  I  know  we  did  not  eat  any  when  we  feasted  on  his 
peaches. 

When  the  wise  speak  of  the  non-interference  with 
speech,  press,  assembly,  and  the  like,  they  refer  to  these 
liberties  as  rights.  Yet  the  thought  of  so  thinking  of 


BUZZ-SAWS,  SHORTCAKE,  AND  RIGHTS    125 

them  would  never  have  occurred  to  any  one  had  no 
invasion  of  these  liberties  ever  been  undertaken  under 
the  name  of  "  rights." 

Free  speech  and  kindred  liberties  are  not  dependent 
on  the  doctrine  of  rights,  but,  on  the  contrary,  are 
assailed  only  in  that  name.  We  are  on  firm  ground 
when  we  demand  to  be  shown  by  what  right  our 
liberties  are  abridged.  The  invader  cannot  show  us 
how  his  rights  to  invade  were  established,  or  whence 
derived.  We  are  secure  against  his  claim  of  rights  by 
denying  them.  Once  we  acquiesce  in  his  plea,  and 
oppose  it  by  asserting  contrary  rights,  we  may  in  turn 
be  called  upon  to  show  the  origin  of  the  rights  we  claim, 
and  I  warrant  even  the  wisest  of  us  will  stumble  at  that 
task. 

Does  the  bird  need  any  declaration  of  her  rights  to 
fly  ?  I  know  she  needs  wings,  and  if  I  should  pluck 
one  of  the  wings  she  would  then  be  unable  to  fly.  But 
should  our  wise  legislative  assembly  declare  that  a 
bird  has  no  right  to  fly,  will  that  cause  her  wings  to 
wither,  or  what  will  happen  to  her  ? 

A  fool  does  not  claim  the  right  to  laugh  at  the  wise. 
It  is  enough  to  know  that  the  wise  have  no  rights 
against  being  the  subjects  of  the  laughter  of  fools. 


IN  WONDERLAND 


IN  WONDERLAND 


IN  the  pottery,  by  the  wheel  sits  the  potter,  molding 
pots  from  the  clay  which  is  before  him.     It  is  a 
work  of  pleasure  with  him,  for,  after  admiring  the 
pots  for  a  while,  he  puts  them  back  in  the  clay  pile  to 
be   reshaped    into   new   pots.     How   marvelously   the 
potter  works  the  unending  variety  of  the  pots.     The 
pots  are  alive;  they  never  are  at  a  standstill — always  on 
the  go ;  they  are  not  to-day  what  they  were  yesterday, 
and  to-morrow  they  will  be  again  different. 

Life,  the  potter,  is  an  artist.  He  molds  his  pots  in 
various  shapes  and  endless  designs.  I  understand  that 
he  is  always  at  work.  We  have  no  certain  knowledge 
when  he  began,  neither  do  we  know  when  he  will  end. 
The  designs  are  infinite,  from  the  common  thistle  to 
the  most  delicate  flower;  from  the  tiniest  blade  of  grass 
to  the  most  majestic  oak.  The  marvelous  ways  of 
life,  the  unending  change  in  all  his  creation,  challenges 
attention.  From  the  smallest  to  the  largest  works  of 
art  in  this  workshop  of  life  a  constant  change  goes  on. 
And  how  deftly,  too,  the  constant  waste  is  repaired — 
the  steady  drain  compensated.  There  is  not  much 
difficulty  in  the  absorption  and  repair  of  waste  by  units 
which  move  not  from  place  to  place.  The  rain  and 

129 


130  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

sunshine  comes  to  the  plant  to  assist  in  its  repair;  if 
those  be  denied,  it  withers  and  decays.  Some  forms 
of  vegetation  apparently  assist  themselves;  many 
plants  lift  their  heads  to  the  sun,  others  set  wiles 
to  ensnare;  some  decoy  by  fragrant  perfumes,  others 
by  pleasant  juices.  Their  needs  are  satisfied  by  the 
mere  lifting  of  their  heads  and  the  absorption  of  a 
few  insects. 

In  the  animal  world  the  organic  units  move  from 
place  to  place  and  the  change  is  more  apparent.  Each 
comes  into  being  small  and  weak,  but  complete.  It 
gathers  and  absorbs  to  itself  parts  of  other  organisms 
till  it  reaches  perfectness,  then  dies.  It  dissolves  itself 
to  be  absorbed  by  others.  In  the  animal,  from  the 
tiniest  amoeba  to  the  most  complicated  form,  the  repair 
requires  effort  and  exertion.  The  more  complex  an 
organism  the  greater  the  effort  required  of  it.  A  worm 
is  satisfied  to  eat  of  the  earth  on  the  spot  where  it  is. 
Birds  have  to  travel  miles  in  order  to  get  away  from 
climatic  conditions.  The  more  complex  the  organism 
the  more  it  needs  to  assert  itself.  When  we  come  to 
man,  the  most  complicated  animal  of  them  all,  his  con 
scious  effort  is  required  in  repairing  his  waste. 

Scientists  tell  us  that  by  waste  and  absorption  we 
have  new  bodies  every  seven  years;  that  is,  in  seven 
years  the  old  body  is  wasted  away,  but  by  constant 
repair — the  building  up  of  new  tissues — new  bodies 
are  created. 

Man  needs  air,  sunshine,  water,  food,  and  shelter. 


IN  WONDERLAND  131 

Air  and  sunshine  are  around  about  him;  for  food, 
water,  clothing,  and  shelter  his  exertion  against  nature 
is  ceaseless.  He  must  be  active,  he  must  be  creative, 
to  satisfy  his  constant  needs.  His  capital  to  start  on 
is  a  head,  hands,  and  feet.  The  head  plans,  the  feet 
take  him  to  the  place  of  action,  and  with  the  hands  he 
makes  tools  and  executes  and  carries  out  the  ideas 
formulated  by  the  brain.  He  prepares  his  food,  shelter, 
clothing,  and  means  of  locomotion.  Any  defect  in 
either  of  these  natural  tools  renders  him  unable  to 
satisfy  his  wants.  Unless  charitably  inclined  comrades 
of  his  species  provide  for  the  idiot,  the  cripple,  the 
paralytic,  and  repair  the  waste  for  them,  they  must 
perish. 

Life,  therefore,  means  work,  and  the  joy  of  work  is 
the  joy  of  life.  We  see  this  in  animal  and  human  devel 
opment.  To  be  active,  to  create,  to  meet  the  constant 
need — these  are  titles  to  survival.  Nevertheless,  there 
is  a  tendency  on  the  part  of  the  more  active  to  be  kindly 
to  the  laggard.  Even  the  drone  is  tolerated  long  before 
he  is  driven  from  the  hive.  Life  consists  in  repairing, 
in  compensating,  for  the  inevitable  waste.  Death  is  the 
result  of  neglect. 

And  ruminating  thus  I  fell  asleep,  and  dreamed 
a  dream  of  Wonderland.  There  is  no  law,  as  yet, 
against  dreaming.  The  nihilist  may  dream  in  Russia 
without  awaking  in  Siberia.  The  most  pious  Methodist 
may  dream  of  dancing  without  being  in  danger  of  the 
council,  and  he  may  escape  brimstone  and  other  satanic 


132  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

chemicals  if  his  dream  shift  from  the  waxed  floor  to 
the  poker  table.  William  Morris  dreamed  a  dream  of 
anarchic  communism  and  labeled  it  "  News  from  No 
where."  Perhaps  he  derived  more  real  pleasure  from 
the  dream  than  he  could  have  realized  from  a  "  coming 
true  "  of  the  filmy  fabric  of  his  fatigue. 

Professor  Triggs  dreamed  that  he  was  in  a  city  of 
comrades.  He  dreamed  a  little  too  loud  and  woke 
Charlie  Hutchinson,  who  in  turn  woke  the  professor. 

In  my  dream  of  Wonderland,  I  seemed  to  be  sur 
rounded  by  the  kindliest  and  most  charitable  beings 
that  I  had  ever  known.  I  saw  able-bodied  and  alert- 
witted  men  and  women  who  accepted  charity  as  though 
it  were  their  due.  They  did  nothing  for  themselves 
nor  for  others,  yet  their  every  want  and  need  was  grat 
ified  by  the  dear  people  of  Wonderland. 

The  dolers  of  this  charity  kept  for  themselves  barely 
enough  to  repair  their  own  waste.  Such  beautiful 
self-immolation  I  had  never  seen.  I  saw  the  toilers 
working  on  the  farms,  cultivating  grain  that  was  being 
fed  to  fatten  the  cattle  designed  for  the  food  of  the 
beneficiaries  of  their  charitable  efforts.  Others  were 
building  slaughter-houses,  and  others  again  were  con 
verting  the  live  cattle  into  porterhouse  and  tenderloin, 
and  still  others  were  preparing  these  dainty  cuts  for 
the  table  of  the  recipients  of  this  charity.  And  the 
latter  required  savory  and  piquant  sauces  of  mush 
rooms  and  capers  and  the  like,  in  order  that  their 
appetites  might  be  properly  aroused  and  stimulated. 


IN   WONDERLAND  133 

The  workers,  less  dainty,  needed  none  of  these  artful 
aids  to  appetite;  for  the  bones  and  gristle  and  entrails 
they  reserved  for  themselves. 

In  my  vision  of  Wonderland  I  saw  others  endanger 
ing  their  lives  in  quarries,  cutting  out  marble  to  orna 
ment  the  beautiful  mansions  which  the  charitable  were 
building  for  their  wards.  Many  were  content  to  be 
cooped  up  in  stuffy  factories  manufacturing  beautiful 
rugs  and  carpets  to  be  enjoyed  by  the  helpless  ones  for 
whom  they  were  serving.  I  saw  earnest  men  designing 
artistic  furniture  and  inlaid  musical  instruments  to 
adorn  the  elegant  mansions  of  the  beneficiaries  of  all 
this  charitable  endeavor.  And  the  wives  of  the  toilers 
were  in  the  kitchen  and  their  sisters  in  the  laundry  and 
their  children  in  the  shops,  all  striving  to  relieve  the 
slightest  need  of  the  helpless  class. 

The  workers  themselves  stole  away  to  rest  in 
cramped  and  poorly  furnished  garrets,  damp  basements, 
or  under  sidewalks. 

The  wards  of  charity  were  never  beaten  or  ill-used. 
No  harsh  words  were  spoken  to  them,  nor  were  they 
reproached  for  their  dependent  condition.  In  this 
dreamland  the  charity  wards  were  not  set  to  work  on 
the  street  nor  sent  to  soup-houses  for  food,  as  is  the  case 
in  the  wideawake  world.  Instead,  they  were  furnished 
fine  carriages,  drawn  by  spirited  horses,  while  the  donors 
of  charity  sat  in  livery.  These  accommodating  dream- 
people  were  very  considerate,  responding  to  each  nod 
and  beck  of  their  wards. 


134  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

Believe  me,  Wonderland  is  the  ideal  place.  No 
where  have  I  seen  self-sacrifice  and  brotherly  love  exem 
plified  in  such  perfection. 

A  loud  voice  woke  me  from  my  beautiful  dream. 
It  was  the  landlord,  demanding  the  rent. 


INVENTORY 


INVENTORY 


THE  term  inventory  is  readily  understood  when 
used  in  commerce  by  persons  who  are  engaged 
in  some  manner  with  the  supply  of  the  satis 
faction  of  man's  desire.  If  your  industries  figure  into 
the  millions,  or  if  you  are  a  clerk  selling  calico;  if  you 
are  spending  an  allowance,  or  are  a  housekeeper  depend 
ing  on  your  husband's  or  children's  wages,  you  take 
stock.  The  method  and  time  of  taking  stock  varies. 
In  vast  industrial  or  commercial  enterprises  it  is  not  so 
frequent  as  with  the  man  of  meager  resources.  The 
large  commercial  dividend-paying  houses  ought  to  take 
stock  before  they  declare  dividends.  If  they  don't  take 
inventory  of  the  assets  and  the  liabilities,  they  take 
inventory  of  the  stockholders.  The  ones  who  can  be 
easily  frozen  out  of  their  stock  considered  as  assets,  the 
ones  who  cannot  are  marked  as  liabilities,  for  they  have 
to  be  taken  along  in  the  combine  when  reorganization 
takes  place. 

The  man  who  sells  his  labor  at  one  dollar  per  day 
need  not  work  overtime  to  take  stock;  he  takes  stock 
mentally.  "I  get  six  dollars  per  week;  can't  have 
champagne  for  dinner;  saloon  must  be  my  club;  free 
lunch  and  'schooner'  is  my  bill  of  fare;  one  dollar  for 

137 


138  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

the  week's  lodging,  fifty  cents  to  Lizzie  or  Mary,  and 
by  Christmas  I  will  have  enough  to  get  me  a  second 
hand  suit  of  clothes  and  an  overcoat." 

Success  in  business  does  not  depend  so  much  on  the 
largeness  of  the  capital  as  upon  the  knowledge  of  how 
to  use  this  capital  to  the  best  advantage.  You  find 
when  you  take  stock  what  goods  sold  best,  what  paper 
is  the  best  advertising  medium,  who  is  your  best  clerk, 
what  departments  you  are  to  enlarge,  and  from  what 
charity  donation  you  got  the  most  benefit.  All  must 
focus  to  this  one  point  if  you  wish  to  succeed — to  increase 
the  assets,  decrease  the  liabilities,  get  as  much  as 
possible,  give  as  little  as  you  can,  and  have  the  people 
satisfied. 

The  taking  of  stock  is  not  only  in  what  we  call  legit 
imate  business.  Even  the  criminals  have  a  way  of 
taking  stock.  The  assets  are  the  plunder,  the  liabilities 
are  the  risks.  They  have  to  figure  as  to  the  price  of 
the  policeman  on  the  beat,  what  a  pull  with  the  alder 
man  will  cost,  and  how  about  straw  bail.  The  robber 
has  his  way,  the  preacher  his  way;  there  is  not  one  that 
can  escape  it. 

It  is  not  business  alone  that  monopolizes  stock 
taking.  In  whatever  you  are  trying  to  accomplish  you 
must  take  inventory.  Success  does  not  depend  so 
much  on  vastness  of  resources  as  on  the  knowledge  of 
how  to  use  the  capital  with  which  to  work  to  the  best 
advantage. 

In  European  countries  even  the  family  is  inventoried 


INVENTORY  139 


— daughters  are  the  liabilities,  sons  the  assets.  With 
an  income  per  annum  of  so  much,  if  his  children  be  sons 
he  can  live  up  to  the  limit;  if  girls  he  cannot;  he  must 
be  saving  for  the  dowry.  It  is  amusing  how  some  try 
to  minimize  the  liabilities  and  maximize  the  assets  when 
they  are  being  inspected. 

The  young  man  who  calls  on  a  girl  with  the  intention 
of  making  an  impression  upon  her,  dresses  in  his  best, 
takes  out  his  Sunday  manners,  and  shows  himself  off 
all  assets  and  no  liabilities.  And  she  has  the  parlor 
and  sitting-room  furniture  dusted,  massages  and  pow 
ders  her  face,  sprinkles  rose-water  on  herself.  If  her 
cheek  or  her  chin  is  beautiful  she  takes  pains  that  he 
may  see  them,  so  a  beauty  spot  is  pasted  that  it  may  call 
attention;  he  cannot  fail  to  notice  it.  And  her  lan 
guage,  how  choice,  and  her  voice,  how  different,  when 
her  best  young  man  is  there  than  when  she  scolds 
the  cook.  I  know  a  lady  who  changes  her  voice  auto 
matically  whenever  a  stranger  is  near.  If  you  see 
her  at  that  time  you  see  a  bundle  of  assets  and  no 
liabilities. 

Stocktaking  is  not  monopolized  by  man.  The  tak 
ing  of  stock  goes  on  everywhere ;  it  is  the  most  important 
factor  in  the  world;  it  is  responsible  for  everything 
there  is. 

The  forest  with  its  animal  life,  the  sea  with  its  life, 
the  air  with  its  life,  owe  their  being  to  the  taking  of 
stock  in  the  beginning  by  the  molecules  and  atoms 
which  compose  them.  The  world,  with  its  pains  and 


140  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

its  pleasures,  its  happiness  and  its  misery,  its  arts  and 
its  sciences,  its  progress  and  its  woes,  its  smiles  and  its 
tears,  is  the  net  balance  of  the  inventory. 

Natural  selection  is  the  result  of  the  summing  up 
as  to  whether  you  will  remain  where  you  are  and  receive 
hard  knocks,  or  struggle  to  get  ahead  and  change  your 
environment  to  escape  the  knocks — and  you  have 
decided  to  change — which  results  in  evolution.  It 
began  with  the  mystery  of  the  world.  It  has  been  kept 
up  ever  since,  and  will  continue  unto  its  very  end. 
Things  that  came  into  being  are  records ;  and  the  things 
brought  into  being  by  the  things  are  records.  The 
world  is  a  counting-house,  life  its  book-keeper,  and  the 
net  balance,  man. 

The  balance  is  the  working  capital  of  the  future, 
and  while  the  present  balance  cannot  be  changed,  as 
that  is  the  net  results  and  is  final,  yet  man  thinks  he 
can  and  exerts  himself  to  change  the  balance,  and  does 
change  it,  but  not  for  himself;  the  change  is  for  the 
future.  Man  is  working  for  the  future  by  working  in 
the  now — for  what  he  thinks  the  present  will  bring  to 
him.  Being  uncomfortable  where  he  is,  he  has  to  move. 
His  motives  in  stepping  up  is  the  betterment  of  himself, 
and  in  so  doing  he  unconsciously  carves  the  future. 
Life  is  a  series  of  stocktaking,  from  the  cradle  to  the 
grave;  the  figures  are  alive;  they  are  actors,  spectators, 
and  critics;  some  have  the  privilege  of  being  players, 
and  some  are  being  played  upon. 


INVENTORY  141 


Stocktaking  is  Judgment  Day;  then  we  get  the  net 
balance  of  the  past,  but  do  not  forget  that  the  lessons 
for  the  future  are  the  most  important  in  the  day  of 
inventory.  If  you  miscalculate  on  that  day  you  shall 
surely  "go  broke." 


LIFE'S  MESSAGE 


LIFE'S  MESSAGE 


I  HAVE  listened  to  what  Life  says,  and  I  will  tell  you 
a  few  truths  as  I  have  them  recorded.  Not  only 
have  I  heard,  but  I  am  the  voice  as  well  as  the 
sender  of  the  voice.  Not  only  am  I  the  messenger,  but 
I  am  also  bid  to  be  the  executor  of  the  message. 

Life  desires  to  get  acquainted  with  you  and  what 
concerns  you,  and  I  would  be  pleased  to  have  you  know 
Life.  As  you  are  a  stranger  to  yourself,  therefore  I  will 
introduce  yourself  in  me  to  yourself  in  me.  There  are 
so  many  of  you  in  me  that  I  can  scarcely  count  you. 
There  is  you  who  have  sinned  and  you  who  have 
sainted;  you  the  judge  passing  sentence  on  you  the 
convict. 

Come,  all  of  you  in  me,  and  get  acquainted  with  each 
other.  Really  you  ought  to  like  each  other.  Here  you, 
shake  hands  with  yourself!  Love  each  other!  As 
there  is  really  only  one  of  you,  and  when  the  different 
fragments  of  yourself  shall  have  become  united,  you 
shall  know  Life.  Come !  I  will  show  you  how  to  get 
at  one  with  yourself.  You  are  myself,  you  know;  that 
accounts  for  my  interest  in  you.  You  become  a  unit 
by  sacrificing  the  different  selves  in  you.  Spare  nothing. 
The  Christ  in  you  must  be  sacrificed  with  the  evil  in 

145 


146 


you.  I  feel  your  reasoning  self  say,  it  is  unreasonable 
that  in  order  to  live  one  must  sacrifice  self.  I  cannot 
help  you  any,  for  this  is  the  law.  It  is  reasonable  also, 
and  the  only  unreasonableness  about  it  is  your  reason. 

The  smith  stands  at  his  forge.  Fragments  of  iron 
he  welds  into  a  bar.  Each  piece  he  passes  through  the 
cleansing  fire  before  he  can  amalgamate  them  into  the 
oneness  of  the  bar.  No  fragment  is  spared  this  ordeal, 
else  it  would  not  unite.  The  fragment  is  lost — it  has 
been  absorbed  by  the  bar. 

Of  what  service  think  you  was  the  tiny  strength  of 
the  isolated  fragment  ?  But  behold !  Its  own  strength 
it  has  sacrificed,  but  it  has  inherited  the  power  of  the 
bar.  It  is  performing  miracles. 

Of  what  use  is  your  reason  in  separateness  ?  Reason 
is  a  part  of  you,  and  though  it  is  important,  it  is  only  a 
small  part  of  Life.  You  use  reason  in  placing  your 
food  into  your  mouth  instead  of  into  your  ear,  but 
reason  did  not  make  the  food,  ear,  or  mouth;  nor  did 
it  make  anything  else.  Suppose  your  nose,  which  is 
an  important  factor  on  your  face,  should  say  there  is  no 
liver,  because  it  nosed  and  found  it  not.  Does  that 
prove  that  the  nose  knows  ?  When  your  liver  gets  in 
such  a  state  that  the  nose  knows  about  it,  your  liver  will 
be  out  of  business  as  a  liver.  Yes,  sacrifice  is  the  law 
of  Life. 

I  see  the  doubter  of  yourself  doubt.  You  wonder 
why  it  is  that  I  should  be  more  favored  than  you.  Why 
don't  Life  talk  to  me  ?  you  say.  So  you  believe  that  I 


LIFE'S  MESSAGE  147 

lie  when  I  say  that  I  hear  Life.  Well,  you  are  right. 
I  have  lied,  and  it  being  true  proves  that  what  I  said  is 
true,  and  it  in  turn  proves  that  I  did  not  lie. 

The  waste  which  your  body  throws  off,  because  your 
body  cannot  use  it,  has  become  a  lie,  yet  is  not  less  truth 
than  the  stuff  which  your  body  absorbed  and  is  truth. 
The  waste  makes  the  absorption  possible.  If  you  would 
spare  your  body  the  effort  of  separating  and  discarding 
the  waste  and  reserving  the  life  force  from  the  food  it 
ate,  your  body  would  be  spared  life,  as  it  is  nourished 
by  the  very  thing  you  spared  it  of.  Skepticism,  lying, 
evil,  falsehood,  and  pain  are  a  part  and  necessary  to 
life,  just  as  the  waste  is  a  part  of  the  food  that  has  per 
formed  its  service.  And  the  work  of  separating  the 
unpleasant  from  the  pleasant,  the  lies  from  the  truth, 
the  evil  from  the  good,  the  pain  from  the  pleasure,  is 
the  food  which  life  lives  upon,  and  with  which  it  could 
not  dispense.  It  is  true,  I  have  not  heard  Life.  Life 
does  not  talk  to  the  ear,  thus  I  could  not  hear.  I  saw 
the  voice — No,  that  is  a  lie  too!  I  did  not  see  it;  I 
felt  it  in  my  heart.  No !  I  did  not  do  that  either.  Let 
me  see,  what  did  I  do  ?  Well,  I  don't  know  what  I 
did  do,  nor  do  I  know  how  I  came  by  Life's  message, 
but  I  know  it  is  the  message  of  Life,  and  I  am  satisfied. 
Oh,  I  have  it!  I  know  now!  I  know!  I  know! 
Your  scrutinizing  self  has  somewhat  confused  me. 
What  was  it  you  said  that  you  said  ?  Was  it  not  some 
thing  about  Life  and  a  message  ?  Let's  see,  you  had 
a  message  I  believe,  and  were  telling  about  it,  and  I  was 


148  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

skeptical,  and  did  not  believe  a  word  you  said,  and  I 
embarrassed  you  by  asking  questions,  and  you  could  not 
explain  how  you  came  by  Life's  message.  Tell  us 
again,  please.  What  did  you  say  Life's  message  was  ? 
Get  together  ?  That's  funny !  I  am  wrong,  I  know 
I  am.  If  you  look  at  me  like  that  I  shall  go  mad,  I 
know  I  will.  Let  me  think!  You  have  me  all  be 
fuddled.  Oh,  yes,  you  were  trying  to  clarify  to  me  the 
clearness  of  Life,  and  the  Life  which  is  not  to  be  made 
clear.  That  which  can  be  revealed  in  a  vision,  and  the 
unvisionable  you  are  trying  to  visionize.  You  were 
trying  to  reasonize  Life,  the  what  that  can  and  the  what 
that  cannot  be  reasoned. 

You  were  trying  to  cram  the  universe  into  a  pint 
measure.  Time,  love,  sacrifice,  happiness,  wisdom, 
God,  and  what  not,  you  were  trying  to  measure  with 
the  toy  foot-rule  of  reason  which  I  gave  you.  You 
failed !  You  are  discouraged  and  doubt,  and  are  angry ! 
Now  I  can  see  you  laugh  at  me,  mock  me !  I  see  you 
pity  me.  Why  should  you  laugh  at  me,  why  should  I 
be  pitied  ?  What  have  I  done  to  be  mocked  ?  Say, 
am  I  foolish  ?  What !  Ha !  ha !  You  did  not  say 
anything  about  Life  to  me  ?  You  say  that  it  was  I 
who  was  telling  you  about  Life  and  its  message.  Really 
you  are  mistaken;  it  could  not  have  been  I.  Who  is 
"I"  ?  There  was  once  an  I,  but  "I "  is  no  more.  It  is 
you  who  lives  in  the  house  where  I  used  to  live,  and  you 
are  so  large  that  it  fills  me  all.  There  is  no  room  for 
"  I "  in  there.  In  the  whole  of  my  being  I  feel  you.  It 


LIFE'S  MESSAGE  149 

laughs  when  you  laugh.  It  cries  with  you.  It  feels 
your  pain.  It  loafs  and  sins  with  you.  It  saints  when 
you  saint;  it  reasons  for  you.  So  you  see,  it  was  not  I 
who  was  talking,  because  there  is  no  more  I;  I  has 
moved  and  has  taken  apartments  in  Life.  It  was  you 
talking  to  yourself;  you  laughing  at  yourself;  you 
mocking  yourself;  you  angry  with  yourself — and  all 
because  you  could  not  explain.  And  why  should  you  ? 
What  is  there  to  explain  ?  Is  it  then  not  all  clear  ? 

Hark !  and  listen  to  what  Life  says.  Life  is  talking 
now,  talking  through  all  its  being,  to  all  of  yourself. 
How  the  grass  smiles  at  you,  and  the  moon,  and  the 
stars,  how  they  look  at  you !  How  all  the  animals,  the 
birds,  and  everything  in  Life  wishes  to  get  at  one  with 
you  !  And  you  understand  them  not ;  you  are  listening 
for  a  voice  to  be  heard  with  ears.  You  are  waiting  for 
a  vision  to  be  seen  with  eyes ;  you  are  waiting  for  some 
thing  to  be  smelled  and  sensed. 

Life  is  all  around  you.  It  is  in  you  and  you  find 
it  not.  Don't  you  know  me  ?  It  is  "I,"  Life ! 

I  am  everywhere.  I  have  no  limitations.  In  the 
depths  and  on  the  heights,  I  am !  The  winds  take  me 
in  their  breezes  and  in  their  gales;  the  sunlight  in 
its  shadows  and  in  its  brightness.  I  am  in  the  song  of 
the  birds.  The  lowing  of  the  kine  and  the  roar  of  the 
wild  beasts,  I  am.  I  glisten  in  the  dew,  and  the  spark 
of  the  diamond  radiates  me.  The  whisperings  of  the 
tree  and  brook,  the  thunders  of  the  storm,  the  mighty 
rush  of  waters — all  are  mine. 


150  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

I  am  the  Life  of  the  forests ;  the  Life  of  the  seas :  I 
am  the  sea  and  the  forest.  I  am  the  Life  of  the  insects : 
I  am  the  insects.  I  am  the  life  of  the  deserts:  I  am 
the  desert.  I  am  the  life  of  the  quadruped  and  the 
biped:  I  am  the  quadruped  and  the  biped.  I  am  the 
life  of  the  good  and  the  evil:  I  am  the  good  and  the 
evil — all  are  included  in  me.  I  am  the  best  of  that 
which  is  good  and  the  worst  of  that  which  is  bad — and 
that  is  good. 

By  seeking  you  will  not  find  me.  When  you  have 
forsaken  me  I  am  with  you.  Come  unto  me,  you  weak 
lings,  and  I  will  give  you  strength;  you  weary  ones,  and 
I  will  give  you  rest.  Come  you  perturbed  ones,  and  I 
will  give  you  peace.  And  to  you  who  are  little  children 
I  will  give  wisdom.  To  love  and  to  serve;  to  let  Life 
live  through  you,  from  everlasting  to  everlasting. 

This  is  the  message  of  Life. 


SYMBOLS  AND  TAGS 


SYMBOLS  AND  TAGS 


THERE  is  something  the  matter!  A  feeling  of 
uneasiness  is  within  me.  What's  up,  I  won 
der  ?  My  physician  tells  me  that  my  liver 
is  in  good  shape.  My  heart,  he  says,  beats  normal; 
he  examined  me  carefully,  and  assured  me  that  there 
is  nothing  wrong  with  me.  My  health  seems  to  be 
good,  and  my  appetite  is  in  splendid  working  order. 
I  have  a  place  to  sleep;  I  could  have  all  the 
clothes  I  need;  still,  I  am  not  very  happy.  There 
is  something  wrong — I  know  there  is.  A  kind  of 
restless  feeling  possesses  me.  I  have  examined  my 
self  all  over,  and  I  cannot  account  for  the  cause  of  it 
within  myself,  because  it  is  not  myself  that  I  feel; 
I  feel  others  within  me;  I  feel  you.  There  is  something 
radically  wrong  with  me  in  you,  which  I  feel.  What 
is  it  that  you  have  not,  and  for  which  your  heart  craves  ? 
I  feel  that  you  feel  lonely;  you  feel  that  you  are  separated 
from  something  to  which  you  ought  to  be  united;  you 
are  like  a  wanderer,  a  stranger  you  are — even  amongst 
your  most  intimate.  You  are  hungry  for  love;  you 
feel  depressed  because  even  the  ones  who  love  you  love 
not  you — but  what  you  give  them. 

Come,  O  my  beloved !   tell    me ;   tell    me  whether 
153 


154  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

these  are  your  symptoms  ?  No,  you  need  not;  I  feel 
you — way  down  deep  in  my  heart  I  feel  you;  it  is  you 
who  have  not  felt  me  knocking  at  your  heart's  door, 
and  you  have  locked  your  heart  and  would  not  let  me 
enter.  I  would  have  fed  you,  I  would  have  nourished 
you;  I  know  I  would.  I  know  you  are  Life-hungry, 
caused  by  your  feeding  on  symbols  instead  of  the  real; 
it  did  not  nourish  you  and  you  are  famished. 

You  have  given  symbols  the  place  of  the  real  things. 
You  have  accepted  a  thing,  the  value  of  which  exists  in 
the  fact  that  it  is  redeemable  in  something  of  value; 
you  have  become  contented  with  an  order  which  is 
exchangeable  for  something  you  want — for  the  thing 
you  want — and  it  does  not  satisfy  you.  Should  you  get 
a  cheque,  you  would  not  be  content  unless  there  be  funds 
to  make  it  good.  If  I  should  present  you  with  a  meal- 
ticket  you  would  not  be  satisfied  unless  you  could  go 
to  the  place  and  get  the  meal. 

Ideas  are  worthless  unless  you  can  realize  them; 
they  must  be  redeemed  and  acted  before  they  become 
of  value — you  must  live  them.  That's  what  ails  you 
— you  have  overeaten  on  ideas.  You  have  chewed  up 
your  meal-ticket,  and  wonder  why  you  are  still  hungry. 

Instead  of  acts,  which  are  the  food  of  Life,  you  have 
substituted  ideas,  and  Life  in  you  famishes  for  things 
vital.  You  selected  the  wise  to  guide  you,  and  they 
did ;  you  have  the  wise  men  to  do  the  thinking  for  you ; 
you  have  them  prepare  beautiful  thoughts,  pickled, 
fried,  or  preserved,  and  you  feed  on  them.  How  long 


SYMBOLS  AND  TAGS  155 

would  your  body  last  if  you  fed  it  on  meal-tickets 
instead  of  the  stuff  which  a  meal-ticket  will  get  ?  It 
takes  steak,  potatoes,  and  the  like  to  make  tissue, 
muscles,  and  bone.  You  thought  to  be  wise  is  to  think 
wisely,  which  is  true,  but  you  must  redeem  the  thought 
in  acts.  Thoughts  are  the  soul  of  acts — and  are 
worthless  in  themselves.  That  is  the  trouble;  you 
thought  there  was  merit  in  thinking  wisely,  and  so  you 
thought,  and  thought,  and  thought.  If  wisdom  con 
sists  in  thinking,  it  matters  not  the  direction  thoughts 
take.  So  the  wise — with  grave  and  serious  energy — 
entered  upon  thought  where  no  act  was  possible.  A 
thought  may  have  been  valuable  when  conditions 
rendered  a  possibility  of  realizing  action  upon  it  in 
the  end.  Thought  is  worthless  when  it  cannot  be  put 
into  use. 

In  your  heart  I  find  a  foreign  substance — an  idol 
of  symbol  worship.  This  it  is  that  poisoned  your  con 
duct  at  its  very  source,  and  corruption  has  entered  into 
every  activity  of  life  and  produced  myriad  forms  of 
hypocrisy. 

In  theology  you  are  given  dead  thoughts  of  the  past 
and  amazing  theories  of  the  future,  none  of  which  can 
issue  in  wise  acts  of  to-day.  You  go  about  with  reli 
gious  meal-tickets,  yet  finding  no  tables  set;  for  you  are 
supplied  with  worthless  cheques  upon  the  establish 
ments  of  yesterdays  and  to-morrows. 

What  care  you  for  future  worlds  ?  It  is  love  and 
happiness  in  this  world  which  you  are  after.  What 


156 


care  you  for  the  bones  of  the  past  or  of  the  future  ? 
It  is  the  living  bones  and  skin  that  interest  me.  The 
Bible  is  all  right,  but  what  of  the  Bible  of  to-day  ?  Re 
ligion  has  become  a  belief  instead  of  a  life.  Ask  the 
priest  of  to-day  what  to  do  and  he  will  tell  you  to  believe. 
Then  you  believe  that  you  are  what  you  thought  you 
would  like  to  be.  Jesus  said,  "Why  call  you  me 
master  and  do  not  my  commandments  ?"  and  in  the 
name  of  Him  who  tells  you  to  do,  the  church  tells  you 
you  can  believe — but  be  damned  if  you  do;  we  will  not 
tolerate  any  nonsense;  we  have  a  place  for  silly  fellows 
like  you. 

Imagine  yourself  doing  unto  others  what  you  would 
want  them  to  do  unto  you !  How  long  do  you  suppose 
it  would  be  before  your  friends  would  have  a  guardian 
appointed  over  you  ?  This  belief  is  the  keynote  of 
hypocrisy,  which  has  spread  and  become  the  fashion 
in  all  branches  of  activity;  and  to-day's  unhappiness  is 
the  hypocrisy  in  man's  life  made  apparent. 

Scientific  thought  takes  the  same  direction — dealing 
with  ideas,  theories,  classifications,  and  measurements — 
things  which  are  not  vital  to  human  life  and  human 
happiness.  Our  scientists  come  forward  with  patho 
logical  explanations  and  theories  concerning  degeneracy ; 
with  charts,  diagrams  and  skull  measurements.  They 
put  complicated  machines  on  the  little  fingers  of  our 
school-children  to  measure  the  out-go  of  their  precious 
lives  as  they  bend  over  the  study  of  dim,  dead  pages. 

In  the  industrial  field,  the  symbol  takes  shape  in 


SYMBOLS  AND  TAGS  157 

veneers,  shellacs  and  polishes;  and  men  build  great 
temples  for  their  symbol-worship,  and  construct  amaz 
ing  systems  for  the  accumulation  of  wealth — systems 
built  for  ideas  instead  of  for  man;  systems  that  demon 
strate  such  ideas  as  division  of  labor,  and  such  a  man 
as  the  crooked-backed  accountant  adding  up  a  lifetime 
of  figures,  or  the  dim-eyed  sweatshop  toiler  working  out 
a  lifetime  of  buttonholes.  Systems  that  produce  such 
helpless  abortions  as  millionaires  and  tramps,  systems 
that  change  happy,  healthy,  well-developed  human 
beings  into  mere  adjuncts  and  gives  to  the  ones  who 
actually  produce  the  lowest  caste  of  all. 

Art  holds  up  to  us  the  past — the  Greek,  the  Gothic, 
the  Renaissance;  and  the  artist,  driven  to  copy,  neg 
lects  to  produce  the  vital  and  living  art  of  the  present. 

In  reform  we  go  about  calling  ourselves  reformers, 
not  because  we  live  a  life  of  reform,  but  because  we  say 
that  we  do  not  believe  in  the  old  form.  We  call  our 
selves  socialists,  not  because  we  practice  socialism,  but 
because  we  believe  in  the  socialistic  doctrine;  and  thus 
we  believe  we  are  what  we  believe  we  would  like  to  be. 

You  would  object  to  the  name  of  "scavenger," 
because  you  believe  in  removing  the  dung,  but  you  will 
insist  that  you  be  called  a  good  man,  because  you 
believe  in  goodness. 

If  I  should  call  you  a  capitalist  because  you  believe 
in  making  money,  you  would  probably  think  I  am 
making  sport  of  your  poverty.  You  would  tell  me  that 
a  capitalist  is  he  who  has  capital,  not  he  who  is  seeking 


158  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

to  acquire  it.  Yet  you  do  not  hesitate  to  tag  yourself 
socialist,  anarchist,  or  single-taxist,  though  you  only 
believe  in  the  theory  underlying  your  ism  and  do  noth 
ing  toward  living  it. 

The  less  you  have  of  a  thing,  and  the  less  you  are 
the  thing,  the  more  you  talk  about  it.  Lacking  happi 
ness,  you  talk  it.  Talking  of  art  is  conclusive  evidence 
that  you  lack  art.  You  talk  of  love  when  you  feel  the 
absence  of  love,  and  you  think  you  have  it  by 
proclamation.  Words,  phrases,  clauses,  noise!  The 
child  calls  an  engine  "  choo-choo  "  because  of  the  sound 
the  machine  makes  when  exhausting  steam.  The 
child  thinks  the  function  of  the  engine  is  to  emit  a  certain 
kind  of  noise.  So  you  are  impressed  with  the  enthu 
siasm  of  your  discussions  in  advocacy  of  your  ism,  and 
you  think  yourself  to  be  the  thing  discussed. 

This  symbol- worship  is  everywhere.  Take  the 
vaudeville;  an  old  soubrette  with  no  voice,  no  looks — 
let  her  cackle  "Yankee  Doodle,"  wave  the  flag,  and 
she  will  receive  applause  for  saving  the  nation. 

On  three  occasions  I  visited  a  concert  hall  in 
Chicago  where  they  served  poor  meals  and  worse  music 
for  good  prices.  The  orchestra  each  time  played,  by 
request,  "  My  Country,  'Tis  of  Thee,"  and  the  patriotic 
feeling  was  demonstrated  by  the  applause. 

That's  what  ails  you.  You  have  been  feeding  on 
symbols.  You  have  been  trying  to  make  yourself 
believe  you  are  satisfied  with  applause,  though  you  are 
starved  for  Life-food.  You  have  tried  to  outgrow  and 


SYMBOLS  AND   TAGS  159 

destroy  the  expression  of  naturalness  through  your  body 
and  mind.  You  have  cut  off  every  root  and  branch 
you  could  find  which  was  holding  you  to  naturalness, 
and  in  their  place  you  put  the  substitute  of  symbols. 
Your  mother  and  father,  your  uncle  and  aunt,  and 
grandmothers  and  grandfathers,  your  school-teachers 
and  Sunday-school  teachers,  and  preachers,  all  united 
in  demanding  that  you  leave  off  naturalness  and  take 
on  the  symbols. 

Thus  it  is  that  man  has  lost  his  connection  with  Life 
and  gropes  in  darkness  and  dwells  in  death.  Nothing 
short  of  a  complete  turning  away  from  this  course  of 
action  is  able  to  bring  him  into  conjunction  with  Life 
as  it  is  intended  to  express  through  his  body  and  mind 
by  means  of  his  sensations. 


OCCULTISM 


THE  advantage  I  possess  over  other  people  is  that 
so  little  is  expected  of  me.     Some  of  those  who 
remain  my  friends,  despite  my  being  a  fool,  and 
others  who  love  me  because  I  am  so  amusing  to  them, 
talk  of  concepts  which  they  have  formed  that  cannot 
be  made  apparent  to  me.     It  may  be  that  some  day 
I,  too,  will   develop  an   additional   sense   whereby   I 
may  learn  to   realize  what  to   me   at  present  is  un 
realizable. 

My  senses — those  I  am  conscious  of — seem  to  be 
working  all  right,  though  my  being  a  fool  may  account 
for  the  untenableness  of  some  of  the  conclusions  I  draw 
from  observation.  My  sense  of  smell,  when  dealing 
with  boiled  cabbage,  asserts  a  degree  of  insubordina 
tion  that  requires  a  decided  gratification  for  the  sense 
of  taste  to  overcome.  A  fool  therefore  becomes  aware 
of  things  not  only  from  an  impression  due  to  the  concord 
of  the  senses,  but  likewise  to  dissension  in  that  realm. 
The  illustration  of  decaying  eggs  occurs  to  me  also,  but 
I  am  not  such  a  fool  as  to  introduce  my  conclusions 
concerning  them  in  this  connection. 

So  the  fool  becomes  aware  of  the  existence  of  things 
from  the  impression  they  make  on  his  senses.  He  sees, 

163 


164  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

feels,  smells,  hears,  and  tastes  things;  he  knows  then 
that  they  are. 

Some  things  affect  all  my  senses,  and  some  things 
can  only  affect  two,  and  some  but  one  sense,  but  all 
things  must  impress  me;  I  must  sense  them  in  order 
for  me  to  know  of  their  existence. 

A  man  who  is  virtuous  (knowing  that  I  am  not) 
hearing  my  statement,  asked  me  if  I  thought  virtue 
existed,  and  if  it  did  he  wanted  to  know  what  sense  it 
affected.  And  I  replied  that  my  sense  of  humor  was 
awfully  affected  when  he  was  anywhere  near  me.  He 
called  me  a  fool !  I  wonder  if  he  sensed  my  reply. 

If  our  senses  are  faulty,  or  if  even  one  sense  is  out 
of  order,  we  fail  to  conceive  that  object  which  is  con 
ceived  through  that  sense,  and  we  do  not  know  whether 
it  exists  or  not.  However,  if  our  senses  are  in  well- 
behaved  working  order,  and  we  conceive  not,  we  know 
the  object  does  not  exist. 

Take  a  man  born  blind,  never  having  experienced 
the  sense  of  sight;  it  is  very  difficult  for  him  to  imagine 
what  sight  is,  and  it  would  be  very  hard  to  give  that 
man  an  impression  of  things  you  can  see  and  he  cannot. 
If  you  were  to  discuss  color  in  the  blind  man's  presence, 
all  would  understand  what  is  being  discussed  except 
the  blind  man.  He  would  wonder  what  you  were 
talking  about.  But  take  a  man  who  lost  his  sight, 
while  you  can  lie  to  him  regarding  the  color  of  an  object, 
yet  he  knows  that  color  exists,  because  he  himself 
experienced  it  at  one  time. 


OCCULTISM  165 


Now,  suppose  that  a  new  sense  should  develop  in 
man,  and  supposing  that  that  sense  comes  to  but  a  few, 
then  the  language  of  those  few,  when  talking  about  those 
things  conceived  by  that  new  sense,  would  seem  strange 
to  the  rest  of  mankind.  They  would  not  only  not  know 
what  you  were  talking  about,  but  they  would  not  even 
know  what  it  was  that  they  lacked.  This  is  exactly 
what  has  happened. 

The  elect  are  having  a  new  sense  installed  in  their 
anatomy;  caballa,  or  occultism,  is  its  name.  This  new 
sense  differs  from  the  rest  of  the  senses,  in  that  it  has 
no  distinct  place  of  abode  in  the  human  make-up. 
You  canr.ot  locate  its  dwelling-place;  it  has  no  definite 
house  wherein  it  lives. 

All  the  other  senses  have  offices,  laboratories,  and 
a  most  complicated  diplomatic  service  and  clearing 
house,  where  they  do  their  work.  You  must  have  eyes 
to  see,  and  when  you  see  something,  there  are  messen 
gers  in  the  eyes  which  notify  the  brain  as  to  what  they 
see.  Besides  these,  there  are  offices  that  are  occupied 
by  ambassadors  of  the  other  members  of  the  body, 
stomach,  sex,  legs,  hands,  and  all  other  members  that 
make  the  body  complete,  have  agents  on  the  lookout 
for  the  wishes  of  its  master.  If  your  stomach  likes  a 
particular  kind  of  food,  its  ambassador  will  be  on  the 
lookout  for  it,  through  the  eyes,  nose,  mouth,  etc.  If 
sex  predominates  you,  your  ambassadors  will  sense  a 
good-looking  man  within  a  certain  radius.  If  you  are 
blind,  it  means  that  you  close  up  shop,  that  the  offices 


166  THOUGHTS   OF  A   FOOL 

and  sub-offices  of  sight  are  closed,  and  so  it  is  with  the 
sense  of  smell  and  the  other  senses.  This  new  sense 
has  no  particular  place  of  abode.  It  has  no  distinct 
office  with  its  desks  and  its  laboratory  force,  where  it 
performs  its  functions.  Caballa  or  occultism  sees  with 
out  eyes,  smells  without  a  nose,  feels  without  feelers. 

Now,  the  reason  that  the  new  sense  has  no  home  is 
because  this  new  sense  conceives  things  inconceivable 
to  the  other  senses;  therefore  the  very  home  in  which 
it  lives  must  be  inconceivable  and  incomprehensible  to 
the  rest  of  the  senses,  and  while  the  people  have  the 
assurance  that  it  is  there,  it  is  invisible,  therefore  un- 
explainable  to  the  mass  of  mankind  that  have  not  that 
sense.  The  wise  men  are  awfully  embarrassed  by  that 
fact,  for  if  it  had  a  home  like  unto  the  other  senses, 
they  could  point  to  its  home  and  say  to  the  masses, 
"  Do  you  see  that  bump  ?  This  is  the  home  of  the  new 
sense;  caballa  lives  there."  Although  you  cannot 
explain  to  the  blind  man  what  sight  is,  by  letting  him 
feel  your  eyes  with  your  hands  and  then  letting  him  feel 
his  own,  you  could  convince  him  that  he  is  lacking 
something  which  you  have.  As  there  is  neither  hump 
nor  bump  to  point  to,  the  caballist  cannot  explain 
what  that  sense  is  to  one  who  never  had  it.  It  is  easy 
to  explain  a  sense  to  a  person  who  even  once  had  that 
sense  and  lost  it,  but  you  cannot  tell  a  person  who  never 
saw,  the  difference  between  lavender  and  pink. 

There  have  always  been  occultists,  and  always 
others  who  were  not  able  to  understand  what  it's  all 


OCCULTISM  167 


about.  The  first  record  I  can  discover  of  Caballa  is 
Talmudic.  One  of  the  stories  of  the  Talmud  tells  of 
a  cabalist  who  saw  a  bird  standing  up  to  his  ankles 
in  the  sea,  his  head  touching  the  clouds.  The  cabalist 
concluded  that  he  could  have  some  fun  going  in  wading 
at  that  spot,  but  he  heard  a  still  small  voice  dissuading 
him  by  the  assurance  that  where  the  bird  was  standing 
it  was  so  deep  that  a  woodchopper  had  lost  an  axe 
seven  years  before  which  had  not  yet  touched  bottom. 
This  incident  shows  how  difficult  it  must  be  to  make 
cabalistic  utterances  appeal  to  the  unoccult. 

Adepts  are  becoming  more  numerous.  For  a  long 
time  there  were  none  in  Occidental  lands.  Now  Osh- 
kosh  vies  with  Calcutta  in  the  maintenance  of  New 
Thought  societies,  and  Kalamazoo  with  Bagdad. 
Still  the  ordinary  man  and  woman  contends  that  the 
reason  the  idea  remains  misty  to  the  practical  mind 
is  because  there  is  no  idea;  that  the  very  wise  do 
not  see  things  which  are  invisible  to  common  people. 
Some  go  so  far  as  to  assert  that  the  occultist  is  not  en 
dowed  with  a  superior  intelligence  but  with  a  diseased 
mind. 

This  is  cruel  enough  to  place  the  very  wise  on  the 
same  lowly  levels  with  such  fools  as  I. 

At  the  hotel  in  a  little  town  where  all  the  guests  use 
a  common  parlor,  there  were  waiting  for  "train  time"' 
a  rabbi,  an  adept,  and  a  Chicago  drummer.  The  rabbi 
paced  the  floor  excitedly,  and  was  presently  heard  to 
say  earnestly,  "I  see,  I  see!"  Asked  what  it  was  he 


168  THOUGHTS   OF  A   FOOL 

saw,  he  said,  "  I  see  God  on  his  throne  in  heaven, 
surrounded  by  the  chosen  ones  who  glorify  his  name." 

The  adept  thereupon  paced  the  floor  also,  and  ex 
claimed  "  I  see,  I  see !"  And  in  reply  to  the  inquiries 
of  the  others,  he  declared  that  he  saw  hell,  with  all  its 
misery,  where  those  who,  while  on  earth,  had  lived 
contrary  to  the  doctrine  that  "  all  that  pleases  must  be 
vile"  were  being  tortured  ruthlessly. 

Then  the  drummer  declared  that  he,  too  saw. 

"  And  what  do  you  see  ?"  the  others  asked  the 
earthly  man  of  samples. 

"I  see,"  he  replied,  "a  couple  of  the  durndest  fools 
in  Illinois." 

He  was  only  a  drummer,  and  I  am  only  a  fool. 


THE  FLY  AND  THE  DONKEY 


THE  FLY  AND  THE  DONKEY 


THE  school-teacher  who  criticized  my  juvenile 
attempts  to  write  as  prettily  as  the  copperplate 
pattern  across  the  top  of  the  copy-book  page 
went  about  her  task  in  a  kindly  spirit.  Had  she 
rapped  me  across  the  knuckles  I  should  have  hated  her, 
I  know. 

"Napoleon  wrote  a  very  poor  hand,"  she  told  me, 
"and  he  became  a  great  man.  He  did  not  become 
great  because  his  penmanship  was  bad,  but  in  spite  of 
that  fact." 

My  sex  precluded  my  becoming  a  great  man, 
whether  my  chirography  aided  or  retarded  such  a 
destiny.  Nevertheless,  I  received  in  that  lesson  a 
foundation  of  logic  that  "comes  in  handy"  every  now 
and  then. 

So  when  I  heard  the  story  of  the  Industrious  Flies 
and  the  Patient  Ass,  I  rejected  the  reasoning  of  the 
wise  fly,  however  satisfactory  it  may  have  been  to  the 
donkey. 

Once  there  was  a  man  so  foolish  that  he  could 
understand  the  language  of  the  insects.  He  owned  a 
donkey. 

So  it  was  that  on  a  hot  day,  an  ass  pulling  a  heavy 
171 


172  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

load  along  a  dusty  road  made  no  complaint  except 
against  the  harassments  imposed  upon  her  by  a  swarm 
of  flies.  She  lashed  at  the  ravenous  insects  with  her 
tail,  made  an  occasional  snap  at  them  with  her  teeth, 
and  a  desultory  dart  at  them  with  a  hoof  in  her  frantic 
effort  to  be  rid  of  her  tormentors.  She  laid  down  on 
the  roadside,  breaking  the  shafts  of  the  wagon,  killed 
some  of  the  flies,  but  most  of  the  flies  got  away  and 
jumped  on  the  ass  again  when  she  arose.  This  opera 
tion  was  repeated  a  great  many  times.  She  was  a  tired 
beast  when  she  reached  her  journey's  end  several  hours 
behind  time,  and  it  was  a  relief  to  get  into  the  friendly 
shelter  of  a  stable,  where  she  might  enjoy  hay  and 
water,  secure  from  the  merciless  flies.  The  wisest  of 
the  flies  however  had  accompanied  her  into  the  stable, 
and,  perching  on  the  donkey's  best  ear,  he  buzzed  his 
plaint  of  misery  thus. 

"Thou  dolt  and  ingrate!  All  day  hast  thou  man 
ifested  displeasure  because  of  the  great  love  we  bear 
thee.  We  sang  to  thee  our  sweetest  songs,  and  our 
proddings  gave  thee  strength  to  complete  thy  journey 
to  this  haven  of  rest.  Had  it  not  been  for  us  how 
couldst  thou  have  reached  the  succulent  fodder  which 
is  now  thy  portion  ?" 

The  penitent  ass  bowed  her  head  in  shame  before 
these  reproaches. 

"  I  had  not  estimated  your  help  at  its  proper  value," 
she  brayed,  humbly,  "  and  I  beg  to  be  forgiven,  miserable 
sinner  that  I  am !" 


THE  FLY  AND  THE   DONKEY        173 

Was  ever  donkey  in  such  manner  wooed  ?  I  forgot 
to  mention  the  fact  that  it  was  a  "  she  "  donkey. 

Away  back  in  "  the  blurred  bush  of  bygones  "  it  was 
a  most  important  religious  ceremonial  to  eat  the  flesh 
of  our  grandmothers.  The  priest  of  that  day  assured 
us  of  eternal  damnation  did  we  omit  reverent  regard 
for  that  sacrament,  however  tough  the  fiber  of  the  feast. 

And  the  priest  of  this  day  tells  us  that,  were  it  not 
for  him,  we  would  still  be  dining  on  grandma. 

"See  what  government  has  done  for  you!"  shrieks 
the  vehement  politician.  "  It  gives  you  your  rights  and 
protects  you  in  them !" 

In  refusing  to  admit  the  claims  of  priest  and  poli 
tician  I  lay  myself  open  to  the  indictment  of  being  the 
same  sort  of  an  ingrate  as  the  wise  fly  charged  the 
patient  donkey  with  being,  but  I  know  the  story  of 
Napoleon's  handwriting,  and  the  donkey  didn't. 

Whatever  progress  humanity  has  made  toward 
decency,  considerateness  and  justice  have  been  accom 
plished  in  spite  of  church  and  state,  and  not  because 
of  them. 

Nevertheless  the  wise  flies  keep  on  buzzing  their 
claims  unto  the  patient  donkey,  and  the  ass  believes. 

Every  onward  step  from  cannibalism,  slavery, 
tyranny,  injustice,  was  made  against  the  protest  of 
church  and  state. 

Our  truly  great  have  become  so  only  as  they  have 
taught  us  to  laugh  to  scorn  the  magniloquent  claims 
of  authority. 


174  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

Every  form  of  Magna  Charta,  in  every  age,  was 
wrested  from  some  unwilling  king,  who  protested  that 
it  was  his  great  love  for  us  that  resisted  our  demands. 

Authority  maintains  its  institutions  in  order  to  teach 
the  masses  patriotism,  religion,  and  wisdom.  It  be 
hooves  us  to  discount  authoritarian  definitions  if  we 
would  attain  happiness. 

When  the  wise  established  institutions  to  inject 
wisdom  into  fools,  the  foolishness  of  the  fools  infected 
the  wisdom  of  the  wise  and  they  became  foolish.  When 
the  state  establishes  military  academies  to  train  cowards 
into  heroes,  the  cowardice  of  the  coward  is  assimilated 
by  the  heroes,  and  they  in  turn  refuse  to  fight.  When 
great  institutions  are  founded  to  teach  the  masses, 
the  masses  unlearn  the  professors,  so  that  they  question 
their  own  wisdom.  While  I  agree  with  the  wise  ones 
that  things  will  settle  themselves  all  right,  I  must  say 
that  we  have  progressed  in  spite  of  them,  and  if  we 
would  see  ourselves  as  the  wise  see  us,  then  they  must 
see  that  we  are  getting  less  and  less  religious,  less  and 
less  virtuous,  less  and  less  patriotic,  less  and  less  wise. 

We  are  safe  in  abjuring  authoritarian  religion  that 
we  may  become  sanely  religious.  We  must  rebel 
against  institutionalized  patriotism  if  we  would  evince 
a  decent  regard  for  the  rightful  claims  of  humanity. 
We  must  become  less  wise  and  less  virtuous  from  con 
ventional  points  of  view  to  be  truly  virtuous  and  prac 
tically  wise. 

Lest  we  be  as  the  credulous  donkey. 


NET  BALANCE 


NET  BALANCE 


THE  task  of  taking  stock  of  myself  has  not  proven 
a  pleasant  one.  I  have  been  trying  to  figure  out 
what  society  has  granted  me,  and  to  what  extent 
I  have  responded  with  an  equivalent.  I  find  that  I 
wear  clothes  I  did  not  make.  I  consume  food  I  did 
not  grow  nor  prepare.  I  inhabit  a  dwelling  which  I 
neither  designed,  built,  nor  furnished.  I  enjoy  facil 
ities  of  transportation,  though  I  have  built  neither  roads 
nor  vehicles. 

Figure  it  as  I  may,  I  discover  my  account  to  be  in 
a  bad  way.  The  assets  present  a  goodly  array,  but 
they  dwindle  mightily  before  the  overwhelming  for- 
midableness  of  the  list  of  liabilities.  I  have  been  run 
ning  into  debt  to  society  at  an  alarming  rate.  Funny 
I  never  thought  of  it  until  stocktaking  day. 

Altogether  the  discovery  is  disconcerting  in  the 
extreme.  My  conscience  is  not  a  satisfactory  book 
keeper  under  these  conditions.  That  conscience  of 
mine  will  not  allow  my  charging  up  against  the  liabil 
ities  the  unction  I  would  lay  to  my  soul  that  I  have  been 
sympathetic,  and  held  high  ideals.  And,  indeed,  when 
I  essay  to  apply  the  unction  I  realize  that  I  cannot 
find  my  soul.  Where  had  my  soul  gone  ?  What  had 

177 


178 


become  of  that  much-prized  soul  ?  I  have  lost  my 
soul  in  this  insolvency.  I  tried  to  increase  my  spiritual 
assets  by  attaching  myself  to  certain  religious  organi 
zations,  but  could  find  no  consolation  there,  till  at 
last  I  decided  that  I  ought  to  go  into  spiritual  bank 
ruptcy  and  ask  for  a  receiver.  In  this  wide  world, 
where  you  can  get  most  everything,  I  have  failed  to  find 
the  spiritual  court  with  jurisdiction  that  qualifies  it 
for  that  position.  I  have  searched  everywhere,  and 
find  to  my  amazement  that  all  are  in  the  same  fix. 
Society  as  a  whole  is  spiritually  bankrupt— it,  too,  has 
lost  its  soul. 

The  cause  of  this  strange  state  of  affairs  I  found 
to  be  not  due  to  the  direct  intention  of  life  to 
defraud  itself,  but  society's  spiritual  auditors  made  a 
grave  mistake  in  stocktaking.  The  trouble  seems  to 
be  that  these  functionaries  have  underestimated  the 
ultimate  cost  of  things.  They  thought  that  the  price 
it  pays  for  its  labor  represents  the  cost.  We  have 
thought  that  pieces  of  mud,  gold,  and  silver  are  equiv 
alent  to  life,  and  that  by  paying  a  certain  wage  we  had 
acquitted  ourselves  of  all  obligation.  Then,  by  sup 
planting  men  in  the  workshops  with  women  and 
children,  we  reduced  the  cost,  because  we  paid  less  for 
about  the  same  stent  of  work.  We  thought  society 
economical  by  putting  children  at  work  at  mining  our 
coal;  that  the  seventy-five  cents  paid  for  their  daily 
efforts  represents  the  cost  to  society  for  getting  the  coal 
out  of  the  mines.  But  this  is  not  the  cost;  it  is  the  price. 


NET  BALANCE  179 

The  cost  to  society  towers  away  above  the  price  that 
figures  in  the  commercial  account  current.  The  cost 
of  working  childhood  at  coal-mining  is  the  brutali- 
zation  of  the  embryo  citizen;  the  killing  of  the  love 
instinct  that  is  in  him,  and  destroying  the  possibilities 
of  a  glorious  manhood.  The  price  has  been  paid  but 
the  big  end  of  the  cost  is  still  a  liability. 

By  putting  women  to  work  in  noisome  sweat-shops 
we  cheapen  the  price  of  shirt-waists.  But  we  do  not 
reduce  the  cost.  Unfitting  the  toiler  for  normal  mother 
hood,  we  encourage  the  production  of  poorly  born 
children  from  her  tired  frame,  and  such  progeny  are  in 
the  account.  Look  there  for  the  cost.  We  cannot 
destroy  souls  without  finding  the  item  writ  large  in  the 
account  at  judgment  day! 

Man  must  work  to  enjoy  life.  When  his  work  is 
to  his  liking,  and  he  is  fitted  to  perform  the  service, 
the  cost  is  very  little,  or  none  at  all.  Then  his  work  is 
educative  and  he  develops;  it  is  nourishing  and  he 
grows.  If  he  be  doomed  to  monotonous  work  that 
calls  up  no  note  of  joy  in  his  heart,  and  where  no 
thought  is  necessary,  wherein  some  muscles  are  over 
exerted  while  others  have  insufficient  play,  we  make 
our  toiler  lopsided,  and  for  his  loss  of  symmetry  and 
unfoldment  society  must  pay,  and  it  is  in  the  account 
over  and  above  the  price  we  have  paid  with  the  dross 
of  money. 

When  work  is  pleasure  it  requires  no  spielmark 
requital — the  pleasure  is  its  sufficient  pay.  Where 


180 


there  is  not  joy  in  the  work  no  price  is  sufficient.  "  It 
is  only  by  thought  that  work  can  be  made  pleasurable, 
and  it  is  only  by  work  that  thought  may  be  made 
healthy." 

Society  is  morally  bankrupt.  We  have  sold  our 
birthright  for  a  mess  of  pottage.  The  wealth  of  a 
nation  does  not  consist  of  an  inventory  of  its  gold  and 
silver  coin  vaults,  nor  its  gold  and  silver  epaulettes  on 
the  trappings  of  its  military  and  naval  heroes,  nor  its 
gold  and  silver  trimmings  on  the  apparel  of  dear  Lady 
Disdain,  nor  in  the  gold  and  silver  that  flows  through 
the  arteries  of  commerce.  The  solid  assets  of  society 
consist  of  its  arts,  not  in  pictures  and  statues  in  the 
museums  nor  in  the  monuments  in  the  parks;  not  in 
the  grandeur  of  the  public  buildings,  but  the  pleasure 
in  the  lives  of  the  people,  made  beautiful  by  devotion 
to  the  arts  of  peace. 

Oh,  Angels  of  Heaven  and  devils  from  Hades,  come 
and  help  me  to  lament  the  great  "  I  am"  !  Let  us  weep 
crocodile  tears  for  man  that  built  the  world.  Man  has 
conquered  nature,  cleared  the  forests,  erected  great 
cities,  and  civilized  a  world — and  has  lost  his  own  soul. 

Art  for  art's  sake;  money  for  money's  sake;  knowl 
edge  for  the  sake  of  knowledge;  science  for  the  sake  of 
science;  virtue  for  virtue's  sake — but  nowhere  anything 
for  Man's  sake.  Man  built  a  world  and  left  himself  out. 

O  Divine  Mathematics !    What  a  net  balance  is  this  ! 


THE  UNIVERSAL  SECRET 


THE  UNIVERSAL  SECRET 


WHAT  is  it  that  everybody  knows,  and  is  talk 
ing  about,  and  still  remains  a  secret  ?     You 
don't  know !     Well,  let  me  put  the  question 
differently.     What  is  it  that  you  discuss  with  your  friend, 
with  your  husband,  your  husband  with  his  friends; 
girls   among   themselves,   boys   among   themselves;   a 
respectable  man  never  with  a  lady;  a  mother  will  keep 
it  a  secret  from  her  daughter,  a  father  from  his  son,  a 
teacher    from    a    pupil;    something    that    everybody 
possesses,  yet  it  is  a  secret  ?     Well,  I  will  tell  you. 

It  is  sex ! 

Anything  pertaining  to  sex  is  talked  of  in  whispers 
in  society  (for  fear  the  guardian  of  morality  might 
overhear).  It  is  too  vile  a  subject  to  be  discussed.  It 
is  called  immoral  by  church  and  state,  and  for  that 
reason  you  can  discuss  it  with  your  friends  of  the  same 
sex  behind  closed  doors,  but  not  of  the  opposite  sex 
under  any  condition  if  you  wish  to  be  classed  among 
the  respectable.  We  discussed  it  at  the  academy  where 
I  was  sequestered.  We  locked  the  doors  and  talked 
about  it.  Yes,  and  we  did  more  than  that;  we — no,  I 
don't  believe  I  will,  until  I  consult  the  postmaster- 
general. 

183 


184  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

A  friend  of  mine,  a  little  Jew,  was  telling  some 
stories  of  the  Talmud,  among  them  the  ritual  of  sex. 
I  tolerated  it,  there  being  others  present.  After  they 
had  left  I  told  him  that  if  he  wanted  to  tell  immoral 
stories,  not  to  tell  them  in  my  house.  My  friends  have 
told  me  the  same  things  in  a  more  forceful  manner,  and 
I  did  not  think  them  immoral.  The  story  in  itself  was 
not  immoral;  the  immorality  consists  in  that  it  was  told 
by  a  person  of  the  opposite  sex.  The  wise  by  their 
continuous  slander  have  created  a  feeling  that  sex  and 
all  its  relationship  is  vile,  and  is  to  be  dreaded,  and  is 
only  tolerated  as  a  matter  that  cannot  be  helped.  How 
very  much  nicer,  cleaner,  and  holier  it  would  be  if  babes 
could  be  gotten  from  the  church  or  government  ware 
houses!  How  much  cleaner  and  holier  we  would  be 
were  we  sexless  beings.  Some  of  the  wise  are  even 
looking  for  a  time  when  we  will  evolve  to  a  sexless 
state.  O  what  a  picnic !  What  a  fool  God  must  have 
been  not  to  know  in  the  first  place  that  he  had  to  wait 
for  some  people  he  made  to  get  wise  so  they  would  be 
able  to  tell  him  how  to  work  the  game  of  evolution. 
But  I  think  that  he  will  not  even  consider  that  sexless- 
state  proposition  which  is  being  agitated  by  the  wise 
men.  I  think  that  now,  like  always,  he  agrees  with 
Rosey,  who  declares  that  sex  and  the  use  of  it  is  most 
divine.  If  there  is  anything  that  should  be  reverenced 
more  than  any  other  thing  in  the  world  it  is  sex.  I 
do  not  mean  motherhood  —  even  the  wise  have  no 
objection  to  that.  I  do  not  mean  womanhood — I  mean 


THE  UNIVERSAL  SECRET  185 

the  organ  of  sex.  The  whole  universal  scheme  is  sex — 
it  is  the  holiest  of  holies. 

The  use  of  sex  is  evolution  beginning  with  proto 
plasm  and  on  and  on  until  we  reach  man.  Nothing 
is  great  that  does  not  contain  sex.  There  is  no  great 
ness  in  art  unless  sex  be  there.  A  painting  is  not  great 
without  it.  It  is  the  harmony  of  music,  and  poems 
would  be  dull  without  love  of  some  kind.  The  plumage 
of  the  bird  and  its  songs  are  all  for  the  pleasing  of  sex. 
It  is  the  cause  of  the  struggle  and  happiness  of  the  world. 

The  miner  who  spends  his  life  in  the  mines  does  so 
to  please  a  wife,  a  sweetheart,  or  his  progeny. 

The  man  who  goes  to  war,  the  man  who  toils  in  the 
shop,  he  who  works  on  the  farm — all  are  moved  by  sex. 
It  is  divine  and  holy.  Sex  is  the  motive  power,  from 
the  tiniest  amceba  to  the  most  complicated  organism. 
The  urim  and  thummim  was  considered  holy.  With 
bare  feet  and  bowed  head  the  high  priest  approached 
it.  With  fear,  reverence,  and  a  trembling  heart  he 
consulted  it,  because  through  it  God  spake.  Words  or 
language  that  would  be  adequate  for  expression  there 
are  none;  it  is  only  when  words  fail  us,  it  is  only  when 
language  would  blaspheme,  and  retard  to  silence — it 
is  then,  and  then  only,  that  we  can  worship  the  most 
holy  of  sanctuaries — sex.  Through  it  God  reveals  him 
self. 

The  earth  that  possessed  us  before  we  were,  and 
whither  we  shall  all  of  us  in  due  time  return,  what  is  it 
unless  it  be  the  sex  of  the  universe.  Mother  earth  we 


186  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

call  her,  on  account  of  her  birth-giving  nature.  Minus 
everything  attributed  to  womanhood,  she  does  not 
nurse  us  nor  possess  the  breasts  of  a  mother;  she  is  like 
a  mother  only  in  sex.  The  reception  of  the  seed,  the 
care  of  it,  and  the  birth  of  an  object  is  what  you  see  in 
the  earth. 

Look  everywhere !  What  do  you  see  ?  The  plant 
ing  of  an  acorn  and  the  birth  of  an  oak ;  the  planting  of 
corn  seed  and  the  birth  of  a  corn-field.  The  whole 
operation  is  birth  and  getting  ready  for  birth,  and 
seeing  all  of  this,  I  feel  that  there  is  nothing  diviner  or 
more  miraculous  than  sex  and  the  operation  of  sex. 
Think  of  it !  A  seed  planted  and  when  rotten  it  takes 
root,  and  then  the  birth  of  a  God ! 

The  redemption  of  the  world  will  be  only  when  sex 
will  be  reverenced  and  honored,  and  when  men  and 
women  cease  to  make  traffic  of  themselves.  Then  we 
will  not  try  to  put  asunder  by  intellectual  rules  that 
which  life  has  joined  together  by  Love. 


WHERE  I  FOUND  HIM 


WHERE  I  FOUND  HIM 


GOD  is  where  ?  What  is  He  ?  And  what  are  his 
schemes  ?  Had  I  been  wise  I  would  have  gone 
about  solutionizing  wisdomatically,  by  consult 
ing  the  elders  and  the  wise  of  the  tribe.  I  would  have 
sat  at  the  feet  of  the  learned  and  absorbed  wisdom. 
Rabbi  Emil  G.  Hirsch,  President  Roosevelt,  and  Pro 
fessor  William  R.  Harper  could  have  enlightened  me. 
But  being  as  I  am,  I  went  about  it  like  one  hunting 
that  which  he  really  expects  to  find.  When  I  look  for 
my  lost  garter  I  do  not  go  to  the  church  or  university 
to  hear  a  lecture  about  it,  neither  do  I  go  to  the  public 
library  to  read  up  on  the  subject.  Instinctively  I  move 
chairs,  bureaus,  and  dressing-cases.  I  light  a  match 
and  look  to  see  if  it  did  not  roll  into  some  corner.  The 
same  way  I  went  about  finding  God.  I  looked  about ! 
I  found  a  world  filled  with  entities.  Some  resembled 
me,  some  different,  some  I  know  not  what  they  were. 
A  being  I  discovered  called  "myself"  separated  from 
and  struggling  with  the  world.  It  was  myself  that  was 
the  most  important,  because  it  was  I  that  felt,  it  was  I 
that  was  impressed.  It  was  I  that  had  ambitions;  like 
Atlas,  I  carried  the  world  with  its  problems  on  my 
shoulders,  and  was  afraid  to  move  for  fear  that  I  would 

189 


190  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

slip  and  the  world  would  fall  and  the  problems  would 
remain  unsolved,  for  it  was  I  that  was  to  solve  them. 
It  was  I,  I,  I.  A  God  could  not  be  found  anywhere. 
There  was  no  room  for  one.  There  was  nothing  that 
I  saw  that  would  indicate  a  God  anywhere.  There 
was  nothing  but  objects  and  space.  The  objects  were 
surely  the  objects  and  God  could  not  be  space. 

My  struggle  with  the  world  was  great,  and  when 
I  thought  that  I  had  almost  succeeded  in  mastering 
the  world  it  crushed  me  into  a  oneness  with  all-there-is. 

Then  I  saw  entities  separated  by  space,  united  to 
each  other  by  space  which  separates  them.  Nothing 
lives  by  itself  for  itself.  Everything  lives  in  the  whole. 
To  lose  one's  self  in  the  whole  is  to  serve  and  gain  the 
service  of  the  whole.  This  way  God  revealed  himself 
and  expanded  through  me  and  absorbed  the  world. 
I  saw  the  oneness  of  it  all.  Then  I  understood  the 
whole,  felt  the  whole.  I  saw  that  problems  are  not 
in  life,  but  it  is  in  the  being  that  is  out  of  harmony  with 
self  yet  in  perfect  harmony  with  nature.  Like  a  pupil 
going  to  school  unwillingly,  so  is  the  inharmonious  self, 
trotting  along  in  perfect  harmony  with  the  universal 
whole.  God  exists  through  the  gratification  of  the 
desires  of  the  entities  of  which  life  consists,  they  being 
charged  with  a  nature  that  is  impressed  pleasantly  and 
unpleasantly.  One  disintegrates  and  the  other  re 
cuperates.  It  seeks  the  one  and  avoids  the  other.  The 
sense  nature  is  Life's  guide.  Things  that  are  pleasant 
for  it  are  absorbed,  and  things  that  are  not  are  repulsed 


WHERE  I  FOUND  HIM  191 

by  the  vegetable.  An  animal  will  not  eat  anything 
that  will  injure  his  health.  By  instinct  danger  is  sensed 
by  all  with  more  accuracy  than  by  man  with  his  psychic 
forces.  And  why  not  ?  Are  they  not  a  part  of  God, 
even  as  you  and  I  ? 

Man  also  began  with  these  sure  and  unfailing 
guides.  They  led  him  through  the  different  periods 
of  development  from  the  protoplasm  till  he  became 
man.  By  seeking  pleasurable  associations  and  avoid 
ing  the  painful  ones  he  reached  the  highest  pinnacle. 
It  was  God  evoluting  himself  by  following  his  heart's 
desires.  At  this  stage  it  was  that  man  fell.  He  ate 
from  the  tree  of  knowledge  and  was  driven  out  of  Eden. 
He  became  wise  and  was  going  to  do  something  for 
himself;  his  intellect  made  him  deaf  to  the  callings  of 
his  heart.  He  became  ambitious  to  look  for  himself. 
His  scheme  was  to  work  out  his  own  evolution  and 
leave  behind  the  whole  that  sacrificed  and  contributed 
to  his  making.  He  was  to  build  for  himself  mansions 
in  the  sky,  put  on  wings  and  fly  away,  and  like  the  fox 
in  the  fable  he  was  rewarded.  (A  fox  once  crossed  a 
creek  with  a  piece  of  stolen  cheese  in  his  mouth;  he  saw 
his  reflection  in  the  water,  and  he  opened  his  mouth  to 
catch  the  shadow,  thereby  losing  the  morsel  he  had.) 
So  by  grasping  with  the  intellect  man's  sense  nature 
becomes  perverted.  And  he  has  contracted  abnormal 
desires.  He  overeats,  overdrinks,  overindulges  in  sex, 
and  that  works  for  his  destruction.  Abnormal  desires 
are  those  you  cannot  gratify  by  gratifying  them.  The 


192  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

more  you  indulge  them  the  more  your  appetite  for 
them  is.  He  became  subject  to  diseases  unknown  to 
any  other  being,  and  no  sign  of  his  repentance  as  yet. 
He  still  refuses  to  confess.  He  sees  that  a  mistake 
has  been  made,  but  he  is  going  to  redeem  himself. 
Were  he  less  intellectually  wise  he  would  say  to  him 
self,  "My  troubles  came  because  I  listened  to  the 
clamors  of  my  intellect.  As  they  are  faulty  they 
guided  me  wrong.  Henceforth  I  will  hearken  to  Life, 
which  guided  me  till  now."  But  instead  of  that  he 
reasons  that  his  troubles  came  upon  him  because  he 
did  not  heed  his  intellect  enough.  His  ideals  were  not 
sufficiently  high,  he  argued.  He  will  make  himself 
better  by  making  laws  to  keep  himself  in  check.  He 
will  fine  himself  for  the  gratification  of  his  desires. 
He  will  put  a  license  on  drink  and  establish  marriage 
as  a  preventive. 

But  "stolen  fruits  are  sweet" — desires  increase 
by  prohibition  and  condemnation,  and  by  restriction 
he  became  totally  depraved.  What  he  condemns  in 
daytime  he  indulges  in  at  night.  So  of  all  the  beings 
in  life,  man,  with  his  high  ideals  is  the  only  prostitute. 
His  hands,  feet,  brain,  eyes,  nose,  mouth,  stomach, 
liver,  and  sex  he  uses  not  for  the  purpose  to  which 
evolution  dedicates  them,  but  for  traffic. 

In  going  downtown,  I  noticed  a  crowd  looking  in  at 
a  window.  I  stepped  up  and  saw  a  beautiful  girl  blow 
ing  soap  bubbles.  That  would  have  been  all  right  if 
it  had  been  play.  Her  body  would  have  been  nourished 


WHERE  I  FOUND  HIM  193 

by  the  exercise,  for  she  would  have  enjoyed  it ;  but  there 
she  was  in  an  illy  ventilated  space  behind  plate  glass 
advertising  a  soap,  that  she  might  secure  money  where 
with  to  buy  the  things  she  wanted.  It  was  degrading 
her  body,  and  she  was  a  prostitute  accordingly. 

Life  created  the  brain  to  overcome  difficulties,  and 
the  pleasure  of  overcoming  difficulties  is  its  joy ;  but  to 
use  it  in  designing  the  manufacture  of  adulterated 
food,  embalmed  beef,  shoddy  clothing,  is  prostitution. 

And  just  as  the  whole  person  is  affected  when  only 
one  member  of  his  body  is  used  improperly,  so  when 
life  has  one  specie  that  degrades  itself,  God  as  a  whole 
is  thus  affected.  So,  if  not  for  your  sake,  then  let  it 
be  for  the  sake  of  the  little  collie  dog  I  love,  I  implore 
you  to  cease  prostituting  yourself,  as  it  hurt's  Fido's 
dignity.  A  friend  of  mine,  in  deploring  conditions, 
hoped  that  we  would  revise  our  statutes  to  make  it 
harder  to  get  a  divorce.  My  remark  that  if  I  had  my 
way  I  would  give  a  divorce  to  any  one  who  asked  for 
it,  was  countered  by  the  inquiry,  "  Do  you  want  us  to 
be  like  animals  ?"  In  her  statement  I  found  the  key 
note  of  the  reasonings,  also  the  root  of  the  tragedy  of 
the  human  family.  Man  acts  according  to  what  he 
believes  himself  to  be  and  is  not,  therefore  his  actions 
are  unnatural.  The  sense  nature  is  God  himself 
guiding  himself  through  all  that  God  is. 

But  man  believes  that  he  is  not  animal;  he  means 
that  he  is  not  subject  to  the  universal  law,  that  he  can 
violate  the  principle  of  life  and  thrive.  He  thinks  he 


194  THOUGHTS  OF  A   FOOL 

may  blaspheme  God  and  avoid  the  penalty,  conse 
quently  he  refuses  to  be  guided  by  Life's  guide.  He 
prefers  to  plan,  scheme,  and  to  do  everything  contrary 
to  nature's  promptings,  and  if  possible  repudiate  sense 
nature  altogether. 

Rent,  interest,  parasitism,  governments,  jails, 
churches,  marriage,  abortions,  contracepts,  doctors, 
lawyers,  preachers,  universities,  sheriffs,  elections, 
misery,  trouble,  and  business  are  all  institutions  of  the 
intellectual  man.  Animals  have  not  got  them  and  have 
no  use  for  them.  The  only  reason  for  their  being  is 
it  give  us  an  air  of  refinement,  you  know,  to  have 
such  things. 

Marriage  does  not  prevent  cohabitation;  marriage 
gives  an  opportunity  for  degradation. 

Theoretically  marriage  curbs  passion;  in  reality  it 
degrades  womanhood — it  licenses  prostitution. 

The  father's  and  mother's  desire  that  their  daughter 
marry  well  is  to  make  successful  commerce  of  herself 
so  that  she  will  have  an  easy  life.  The  girl  in  school, 
in  the  store,  in  shop,  or  in  the  kitchen,  is  ambitious  to 
marry  so  she  will  not  have  to  work. 

"You  have  married  me  and  have  to  support  me. 
If  you  don't,  I  will  put  you  where  the  dogs  won't  get 
you  " — have  you  heard  that  ?  What  is  that  except  to  get 
some  one's  support  by  selling  yourself  ?  He  is  called 
a  clever  young  man  who  marries  a  rich  wife.  The 
dukes,  princes,  and  barons  who  flock  to  our  shore  are 
all  looking  for  easy  snaps  by  making  commerce  of 


WHERE   I   FOUND   HIM 


themselves — selling  their  titles  and  throwing  them 
selves  in  as  a  prize.  They  are  prostitutes. 

God's  life  would  be  as  short  as  the  life  of  its  entities 
were  it  not  for  that  sex  sense  which  works  for  the  per 
petuation  of  life. 

Evolution  is  a  sex  law.  Natural  selection,  more 
and  more  complex  organism,  finer  and  finer  reproduc 
tion,  is  God's  method  for  beautifying  himself  in  man. 
Protoplasm  did  not  scheme  to  have  a  progeny  different 
from  itself.  God  in  the  entity  of  Mrs.  Protoplasm 
desired  to  reproduce  himself  to  something  which  he 
was  not — and  he  did. 

A  woman  desires  to  be  mated  to  a  man  who  possesses 
qualifications  which  make  for  better  progeny — life 
seeking  to  excel  itself.  One  flower  selects  the  co-opera 
tion  of  another  not  of  its  kind,  and  new  flowers  come 
to  be.  One  mineral  selects  another,  and  the  birth  of 
a  new  mineral  is  the  result.  New  animals,  new  birds, 
new  stars,  and  new  worlds  come  to  be  from  this  natural 
selection.  The  intellect  would  call  that  selection 
prostitution,  and  the  reproduction  illegitimate,  but 
there  is  no  illegitimacy  in  God.  Illegitimacy  is  an 
institution  of  the  wise,  and  the  wise  are  only  a  small  part 
of  Life,  the  same  as  the  bastard  and  the  fool.  And 
whenever  the  wise  become  too  wise  God  reveals  himself 
in  the  guise  of  a  fool  to  show  them  that  they  don't 
know  the  things  they  thought  they  knew. 

Goodness  and  badness  are  within  ourselves,  from 
the  very  lowest  to  the  very  highest.  Does  it  please  or 


196  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

displease  us,  is  the  test  for  goodness  or  badness.  A 
thing,  a  man,  an  action,  cannot  be  good  or  bad  of  itself. 
Its  relationship  to  us  determines  its  value.  A  thing 
does  not  please  us  because  it  is  good.  It  does  not  dis 
please  us  because  it  is  bad.  It  is  good  because  it 
pleases  us;  it  is  bad  because  it  displeases  us. 

An  over-ripe  egg  and  limburger  cheese  are  equally 
unpleasant  to  one  of  our  senses,  yet  we  call  the  cheese 
good  and  the  egg  bad  because  its  relationship  to  our  taste 
is  pleasant  as  to  cheese  and  otherwise  in  case  of  the  egg. 

Every  one  has  the  judge  in  his  own  heart.  And  the 
judges  within  ourselves  render  decisions,  and  we  act  in 
accordance  with  the  bribe  we  receive,  and  the  best  of 
us  along  with  the  worst  are  being  constantly  bribed. 
The  bribe  always  is  satisfaction  to  ourselves.  The  only 
difference  is  that  we  are  not  all  pleased  alike.  Some  of 
us  can  be  bribed  with  personal  gratification,  and  some 
of  us  get  our  satisfaction  only  in  the  satisfaction  of 
others.  A  good  man  is  he  whose  satisfaction  is  the 
satisfaction  of  others.  A  bad  man  is  he  whose  satis 
faction  excludes  others.  A  good  man  is  he  who  attains 
pleasure  by  seeking  to  contribute  to  the  pleasure  of 
others.  A  bad  man  is  one  who  seeks  the  satisfaction  of 
his  own  wants  regardless  of  the  interest  of  his  fellows. 

When  I  lose  a  thing  I  am  just  as  much  lost  to  the 
thing  as  the  thing  is  lost  to  me.  Our  relationship  is 
gone;  we  cease  to  be  in  communion  with  one  another. 

The  soul  of  man  is  not  lost  that  it  needs  be  saved. 
Lost  is  the  soul  which  thinketh  that  it  needs  saving. 


WHERE  I  FOUND  HIM  197 

The  righteous  and  pious  who  condemn  and  claim 
that  man's  soul  is  lost  and  needs  saving  are  in  themselves 
lost  to  the  extent  that  they  condemn.  So  the  soul  which 
needs  saving  is  not  the  one  condemned,  as  the  con 
demned  do  not  condemn.  The  condemned  do  not  cast 
themselves  off  from  the  virtuous.  The  virtuous  cut 
themselves  off  from  the  thing  they  condemn,  and  thereby 
become  lost  and  need  saving.  To  the  extent  that  you 
condemn,  to  that  extent  you  are  cut  off  from  life  and 
are  lost ;  and  moreover,  life  is  hindered  in  its  free  action, 
even  in  the  parts  which  are  considered  virtuous.  It  is  not 
the  sinner  that  Jesus  came  to  save ;  the  sinner  is  not  lost. 
It  is  the  saints  who  need  saving.  By  condemning  they 
are  cut  off  from  life,  and  they  will  foe  saved  only  when 
they  reconcile  themselves  to  whatsoever  they  condemn. 

The  sum  total  of  my  search  is  this:  had  I  known 
enough  to  look  for  God  in  a  wise  manner  I  would  have 
had  a  problem  on  my  hands.  As  the  balance  is  not  at 
all  flattering,  and  to  keep  my  self-respect,  I  would  have 
to  condemn  every  other  self,  that  I  may  place  myself 
above  them  and  thereby  separate  myself  from  God. 
Going  about  in  the  manner  I  did,  I  discovered  God  is 
everywhere,  God  is  everything,  and  his  schemes  are  to 
have  a  good  time  with  himself  and  by  letting  life  express 
itself  through  me  to  obey  the  callings  of  life  through 
my  heart  I  am  at  one  with  all-there-is — with  the  pros 
titute  in  the  church  and  school,  as  well  as  with  the  one 
who  sells  himself  or  herself  for  a  crust  of  bread.  Therein 
lies  the  advantage  of  not  being  wise. 


FREE  LOVE 


FREE   LOVE 


EVERY  religion  is  based  on  a  God  of  Love. 
The  saying  of  Moses  in  the  old  testament, 
"  Love  thy  neighbor  as  thyself,"  and  what  Hillel 
in  the  Talmud  said,  "  What  is  hateful  to  you  do  not  to 
your  neighbor,"  and  that  which  is  proclaimed  by  Jesus 
in  the  Sermon  on  the  Mount,  "  Do  unto  others  as  you 
would  have  them  do  unto  you,"  and  the  one  by  Con 
fucius,  "  Do  not  to  another  what  you  would  not  desire 
that  he  do  unto  you" — each  of  these  sayings  is  called 
the  Golden  Rule,  and  they  are  accepted  as  a  religious 
principle  by  a  large  following.  Combined  they  cover 
the  religion  of  the  world.  Why  then  do  not  the  reli 
gious  people  religiously  love  ?  Why  does  wisdom  then 
fail  ? 

It  is  not  for  me  to  assume  the  guidance  of  the  good 
and  the  wondrous  wise;  yet,  may  I  not  wonder  whether 
the  failure  of  practice  to  conform  to  precept  may  not 
be  a  misconception  of  love  by  the  wise  ? 

Suppose  I  had  been  experimenting  with  a  coloring 
herb  for  years  and  had  failed  to  get  results.  The  very 
first  to  say  that  my  formula  is  wrong  would  be  the  wise. 
They  would  insist  that  some  one  else  should  have  the 
opportunity  to  try  his  recipe.  I  wonder  what  is  wrong 

201 


202  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

with  that  Love  scheme  of  the  wise.  Everybody  seems 
to  want  it.  It  is  talked  about  by  all  and  no  one  seems 
to  have  it.  What's  up  ?  Church  and  State  have  ever 
been  repositories  of  this  wisdom,  so  I  blame  them  for 
the  failure  to  make  it  work,  and  I  ask  you  for  the 
privilege  of  demonstrating  my  love  formula. 

Church  and  State  would  make  us  believe  that  love 
is  injected  by  force;  it  comes,  they  say,  from  some 
mystic  where  to  the  chosen  few,  who  alone  can  furnish 
that  article  to  those  who  feel  in  need  of  it.  Therefore 
they  established  institutions,  such  as  Sabbath  schools, 
sewing  circles,  social  settlements,  reform  clubs,  anti- 
cigarette  leagues,  anti-vice  societies,  and  the  thousand 
and  one  others,  for  the  purpose  of  changing  the  heart 
of  man.  Man  will  love  when  his  heart  is  changed,  they 
all  say.  I  cannot  imagine  any  advantage  in  changing 
that  shape,  which  required  ages  to  evolve,  to  a  round 
or  star  shaped  heart.  Beware,  says  Church  and  State, 
of  getting  love  or  into  love  by  taboo  paths.  Obey 
Church  and  State,  that  thy  days  may  be  long  in  the  sort 
of  happiness  which  they  ladle  out  to  you.  Love  of  any 
brand  that  has  not  the  sanction  of  Church  and  State  is 
lust  and  passion.  To  supply  yourself  without  paying 
duty  you  are  not  only  not  receiving  the  genuine  article, 
but  are  smuggling  as  well.  The  punishment  for 
smuggling,  if  your  case  comes  within  the  jurisdiction 
of  the  Church,  is  fire,  brimstone,  torment,  ostracism, 
and  other  devices  that  may  be  summed  up  under  the 
general  head,  Hell.  Those  who  declare  their  alle- 


FREE   LOVE  203 


giance  by  full  payment  of  the  required  duties  are  prom 
ised  harps  of  a  thousand  strings  (with  sufficient  finger 
equipment  to  fetch  forth  heavenly  music),  golden  streets, 
avenues  of  jasper  and  amethyst,  radiant  halos,  rapid- 
action  wings,  and  a  large  repertoire  of  songs.  The 
State  likewise  has  a  schedule,  whereby  both  rewards 
and  punishments  are  not  so  long  delayed. 

These  penalties,  whether  in  the  hereafter  in  hell  or 
before  you  have  time  to  get  there,  are  in  the  name  of 
love,  law  and  order,  progress,  and  good  citizenship. 
After  having  a  fair  trial  for  a  few  thousand  years,  I 
charge  them  with  incompetency,  their  formula  being 
an  entire  failure.  I  have  examined  their  books,  and 
the  net  balance  found  is  great  liabilities  and  no  assets. 
Man  is  further  away  from  happiness  and  love  than  ever 
before  they  took  charge.  They  had  good  advertising 
and  a  fair  trial,  and  have  failed  to  produce  results. 
Man  is  getting  further  and  further  away  from  Love. 
Instead  of  here  and  there  a  murder  they  are  slaugh 
tering  themselves  and  each  other  by  the  wholesale; 
strikes,  lockouts  galore;  jails,  prisons  overcrowded; 
the  soldier's  home,  the  orphan's  home,  the  homes  for 
foundlings,  the  home  for  the  incurable,  the  home  for 
reformed  prostitutes,  testify  that  the  people  are  getting 
further  and  further  away  from  brotherly  love. 

"Reverse!"  says  Jacob.  "The  assumption  that 
the  mass  of  mankind  is  a  loveless  agglomeration  of  in 
dividuals  is  false,  and  accounts  for  the  falsity  of  our 
common  life.  You  have  been  trying  to  grow  your 


204  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

potatoes  on  top  of  the  stalk  instead  of  underground. 
They  will  not  grow  there.  Nature  has  decided  other 
wise.  If  you  desire  potatoes  you  must  look  for  them 
where  life  has  placed  them." 

"Reverse  your  entire  plan  of  life,  cast  away  the 
things  you  have  taken  up ;  gather  up  the  things  you  have 
cast  away.  Take  off  the  label  '  Evil '  you  have  placed 
upon  the  things  you  have  cast  aside  and  label  it '  Good.' 
Seek  in  the  opposite  direction  for  life,  and  you  will  find 
rest,  love,  and  satisfaction." 

There  is  in  the  heart  of  the  "  masses  "  a  great  sur 
ging  volume  of  love  seeking  an  outlet.  There  is  in 
the  hearts  of  these  people  a  vast  wealth  of  love  that 
clamors  to  be  freed  from  all  imposts  and  repressions. 
But  a  sentinel  stands  in  the  way  preventing  expression. 
There  is  a  taboo  on  free  expression  of  Love. 

This  vigilant  sentinel-inspector  of  the  custom-house 
of  Church  and  State  stands  ready  to  fire  on  whoever 
frees  Love. 

This  is  the  world's  tragedy,  that  its  Love  is  in 
bondage !  O  for  the  great  Emancipation !  Sore  is  the 
heart  of  man,  for  Love  is  in  chains ! 

Do  you  think  people  need  to  be  educated  to  love  ? 
Observe  the  gallery  of  a  cheap  playhouse;  hear  the 
illiterate,  unkempt  street  waif  applaud  with  all  the 
vigor  that  a  loving  heart  commands  when  the  heroine 
is  saved  from  mimic  danger.  You  laugh  at  the  cordial 
plaudits  that  the  gallery  yields  to  melodrama.  That 
is  because  you  know  no  better  than  to  mock  the  spon- 


FREE   LOVE  205 


taneity  of  love.  We  dislike  spontaneity.  It  is  too  free 
and  unrestrained.  We  crave  reposeful  dignity.  Think 
of  a  dignified  Cupid  ! 

Do  you  remember  reading  the  story  of  that  poor  con 
vict  who  escaped  from  prison  and  had  succeeded  in  baf 
fling  the  searching  parties.  He  was  securely  shielded  in 
a  thicket  near  a  village.  There  was  an  alarm  of  fire,  and 
he  heard  a  frantic  mother  shrieking  for  assistance  for 
the  rescue  of  her  child.  To  offer  help  meant  rein- 
carceration.  Nevertheless  he  did  not  hesitate.  His 
face  was  scorched  when  he  delivered  the  child  un 
scathed  to  its  mother,  but  under  the  soot  and  burns 
there  was  a  look  of  satisfaction  even  when  the  officers 
took  him  back  to  his  living  tomb. 

What  is  this  enthusiasm  of  the  newsboy  and  the 
convict  ?  Is  it  not  love  ?  Society  imprisons  the  one 
and  degrades  the  other,  because  they  are  judged  to  be 
without  love. 

Take  the  word  of  a  fool  that  society's  wisdom  is  at 
fault.  The  misery  of  the  world  is  due,  in  spite  of  all 
your  findings  to  the  contrary,  to  the  fact  that  the  heart 
is  not  free  to  express  itself;  and  how  to  free  the  heart  is 
the  problem. 

If  I  have  an  ulcer  in  my  throat  and  am  nearly  fam 
ished  because  of  the  difficulty  of  swallowing  my  vic 
tuals,  the  problem  that  confronts  me  is  not  how  to 
increase  my  appetite,  but  how  to  assuage  it.  Read  the 
faces  of  the  people  and  you  will  see  that  their  heart  is 
breaking  because  they  love  and  are  prevented  expression. 


206  THOUGHTS   OF  A   FOOL 

The  man  who  dropped  a  nickel  in  the  cable  slot 
to  stop  the  car  was  wise  in  comparison  to  him  who 
thinks  that  Love  can  live  otherwise  than  free. 

Love  does  not  work  at  all  unless  it  be  so  simple  as 
to  be  automatic  and  spontaneous.  It  is  not  by  "trying," 
but  by  "letting,"  that  happiness  is  realized.  Little 
children  love  without  restraint,  and  they  are  and  remain 
happy  until  a  perverted  education  prompts  them  to 
suppress  love.  To  love!  To  love  freely  without 
analysis  or  question.  Love  and  the  capacity  to  love 
increases  until  it  is  all-embracing.  He  who  loves,  loves 
even  when  hated,  is  true  to  the  love  law.  If  I  love  you 
because  you  love  me,  that  is  barter,  not  love.  My  love 
will  then  depend  on  the  extent  of  your  love  for  me. 

If  you  love  God  because  of  the  desire  to  go  to 
Heaven,  the  conception  you  have  of  Heaven  determines 
the  extent  of  your  love.  As  you  really  cannot  conceive 
Heaven,  you  really  do  not  love  him  at  all.  Anything 
worth  having  cannot  be  bought,  therefore  you  get  it 
for  nothing.  Love  that  can  be  bought  is  not  worth  the 
price.  The  most  precious  thing  in  life  is  the  love  of 
my  mother.  I  received  it  gratuitously  and  undeserv 
ingly,  giving  pain  in  return.  I  love  with  all  my  being, 
even  if  the  torments  of  Hell  would  be  its  reward.  I  love, 
because  I  love  to  love. 

Love  does  not  come  by  talking  about  it,  not  any 
more  than  a  corn-field  comes  into  being  by  talking 
about  it.  Suppose  all  the  gardeners  of  the  city  would 
talk  and  pray  flowers,  how  many  flowers  will  you 


FREE   LOVE  207 


have  ?  How  unreasonable  you  are  to  expect  love  to 
come  that  way.  This  is  the  law  of  propagation :  a  seed 
must  be  sown  in  order  that  an  object  may  grow  and 
multiply. 

The  blockade  is  effective,  and  I  admit  that  I  do  not 
know  how  we  shall  raise  it,  for  they  who  make  it  so 
can  supply  you  arguments  by  the  ton  that  it  is  wise  as 
well.  And  the  world  is  with  the  blockaders. 

The  miscreant  who  cries  "Stop  thief!"  when  run 
ning  from  his  pursuers  has  this  sort  of  blockader  wis 
dom.  Who,  indeed,  would  think  of  seeking  the  thief 
at  the  very  head  of  the  chase  ?  Likewise  it  is  that  they 
who  most  earnestly  preach  to  us  to  love  our  neighbors 
are  the  most  diligent  in  preventing  us  from  giving 
expression  to  that  impulse. 

They  who  so  loudly  preach  this — does  their  love 
evince  any  semblance  of  it  in  their  treatment  of  their 
fellows  ?  Is  it  love  that  proclaims  that  the  husband 
man  must  pay  "  duty "  for  the  use  of  the  earth  ?  Is 
the  love  he  preaches  back  of  such  a  claim  ?  It  is  the 
wolf  in  the  covering  of  a  peaceable  lamb.  Love  is  the 
landlord's  mask.  It  is  fair  to  look  upon,  and  he  em 
ploys  the  blockading  forces  of  church  and  state  to  lull 
us  with  his  false  pretenses  of  love.  And  it  is  the  chief 
business  of  society  to  justify  the  mask. 

But  a  velvet  glove  covers  the  mailed  fist.  It  is  a 
part  of  the  garish  masquerade.  And  so  we  do  not  see 
the  iron  hand  beneath  its  false  exterior.  We  are 
soothed  by  the  very  insistence  of  kindliness  which  the 


208  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

velvet  glove  denotes.  And  so  we  do  not  recognize  the 
force  that  inheres  in  the  armor  that  it  conceals.  Else 
would  we  discern  the  challenge  and  meet  it.  It's  a 
clever  game,  there's  no  denying.  And  right  well  do 
the  blockaders  play  it.  The  blockade  is  not  main 
tained,  they  assure  us,  for  our  hurt,  but  for  our  pro 
tection.  How  dearly  we  love  our  protectors ;  and  how 
well  they  know  that  when  we  discover  that  the  mystic 
inscription  on  their  banner  means  force  that  we  too 
will  employ  force.  But  no  one  sees  through  the  decep 
tion  save  here  and  there  a  fool. 

Any  scheme  of  society  that  requires  force  to  main 
tain  its  stability  must  fail.  Society  professes  to  be  the 
defender  of  right  and  justice.  More  than  half  of  man 
kind  accepts  this  protestation  without  cavil.  Yet  I 
am  the  only  fool ! 

There's  not  a  land  title  in  all  the  world  that  is  free 
from  taint  of  force  and  fraud.  Not  one.  For  no  one 
can  claim  title  from  the  maker.  And  there  is  no  other 
valid  title  to  ownership.  And  they  who  defend  land 
titles  are  accessory  to  fraud.  This  is  a  stern  indict 
ment,  though  writ  by  a  fool.  This  army  of  fraud  is 
the  force  that  prevents  the  interflow  of  love  that  would 
make  all  the  world  a  paradise  were  it  free. 

Your  heart  cries  for  a  chance  to  live  and  love.  It 
is  dying  to  love  and  your  wisdom  stands  in  the  way. 
How  long,  I  ask  you,  do  you  think  that  Life  will 
consent  to  let  you  suppress  love  ? 

Has  not  history  taught  you  that  when  fools  awake, 


FREE  LOVE  209 


stretch,  and  shake  themselves,  the  wise  look  foolish  ? 
I  see  that  you  do  not  understand. 

One  of  the  blockaders  said  to  me  not  long  ago  that 
he  could  trace  his  title  back  to  the  original  conqueror. 
He  does  not  see  the  danger  in  the  admission  that  his 
titles  are  of  conquest,  for  I  may  some  day  feel  like  con 
tending  with  him  on  that  basis  for  his  holding.  When 
we  no  longer  acquiesce  in  titles  by  conquest  they  will 
fall.  And  with  the  fall  we  will  not  need  to  meet  force 
and  fraud  by  force  and  fraud. 

There  is  no  love  in  bond-love.  There  is  no  freedom 
in  love  short  of  all  freedom. 


OSTRACIZED 


OSTRACIZED 


WALKING  along  the  street  one  day,  my  mind 
occupied  with  the  urgency  of  getting  money 
that  I  might  be  successful,  I  came  upon  an 
object  prone  upon  the  sidewalk.     "Some  drunken  old 
woman,"  I  muttered  to  myself,  as  I  passed  slowly  on. 
After  having  taken  a  few  steps  I  stopped,  seemingly 
compelled  to  look  back  upon  the  woman;  I  saw  that 
she  was  struggling  to  get  up  on  her  feet.     She  had  seen 
my  action,  and  now  as  her  eyes  rested  upon  me,  she 
stretched  forth  her  arms  and  said: 

"  Sister,  help  me  to  get  up,  and  I  will  make  you  free." 
My  sympathies  went  out  to  her  at  once;  a  desire 
came  over  me  to  help  her,  not  because  of  her  promise 
to  make  me  free,  as  I  was  not  aware  that  I  was  other 
wise  than  free.  We  have  freedom  all  over  this  great 
country  of  ours.  Nevertheless,  I  was  conscious  of  a 
hesitation,  due  doubtless  to  a  fear  that  my  yielding  to 
compassion  in  giving  a  helping  hand  would  be  ruinous 
to  my  career. 

"What  will  the  people  say,"  thought  I.  "They 
will  surely  laugh  and  guy  me."  With  this  thought  I 
was  about  to  proceed  on  my  way,  when  the  woman 
called  out: 

213 


214 


"  I  am  not  drunk,  child ;  I  am  only  weak  from  being 
knocked  about  so  much."  Her  voice  won  me,  it  being 
rich,  melodious,  and  soothing.  I  stepped  toward  her 
and  at  once  assisted  her  to  arise. 

"For  this  kind  act  I  will  reward  you.  I  will  tell 
you  the  history  of  my  life,"  she  said.  I  know  now  that 
I  did  wrong  in  listening  to  her.  As  I  look  over  the  past 
I  can  see  that  it  was  she  who  arrested  what  might  have 
proved  a  successful  career.  My  evil  nature  managed 
to  get  the  better  of  me.  I  gave  her  my  arm  and  walked 
her  away  from  the  crowd,  as  though  we  were  very 
intimate. 

"I  hate  crowds,"  she  said;  "they  are  always  so 
stupid  that  they  are  not  accountable  for  their  actions. 
They  have  eyes,  yet  do  not  see ;  ears  they  have,  but  hear 
not;  minds  they  have,  but  think  not.  I  hope  you  are 
not  one  of  the  kind  to  be  found  in  that  crowd." 

She  paused,  focused  her  big,  brilliant  eyes  on  me, 
and  continued  : 

"My  story  is  this:  When  I  was  very  young  and 
handsome  I  fell  in  love  with  a  young  prince,  and  he 
with  me.  His  father,  the  King,  did  not  oppose  the 
match,  so  in  due  time  we  were  united.  My  prince  was 
the  handsomest  and  most  accomplished  in  the  world, 
learned,  and  a  master  of  sciences.  For  miles  people 
came  to  hear  his  lectures.  He  was  sought  by  the  sick; 
the  lame  he  made  to  walk  and  the  blind  to  see.  His 
fame  spread  from  one  end  of  the  world  to  the  other. 
Beloved  by  all  was  he.  We  were  happy,  the  prince  and 


OSTRACIZED  215 


I.  Our  children — you  should  have  seen  them !  Words 
•do  not  exist  to  portray  them.  The  interruption  to  our 
happiness  was  due  to  the  jealousy  of  a  neighboring 
couple  who  were  wrought  up  with  envy  because  of  the 
serene  content  I  was  enjoying.  So  one  dark  night, 
there  being  a  violent  storm,  they  crept  into  our  house 
and  imprisoned  the  prince.  Thereupon  they  installed 
themselves — her  husband  as  the  prince,  and  herself  as 
the  princess.  My  beautiful  children  banished,  and  I 
know  not  where  they  are  now.  The  imposters  claim 
that  their  children  are  the  children  of  royalty.  I  am 
broken-hearted !" 

"  It  is  strange,"  I  said,  "  that  a  thing  like  that  could 
happen  and  I  should  not  hear  of  it." 

"The  people  know  it  not,"  she  said,  "they  cannot 
even  suspect  it,  since  things  go  on  in  our  household  as 
of  yore." 

"The  pretender  to  my  husband's  estate  gives  lec 
tures  with  grand  display.  The  crowds  who  hear  him 
applaud  these  deliverances.  Their  lack  of  lucidity 
invests  them  with  an  air  of  wondrous  wisdom.  So 
bitterly  have  they  inflamed  the  people  against  us  that 
I  am  the  target  of  stones  and  revilement  whenever  I 
assert  myself." 

I  begged  her  to  tell  me  the  names  of  herself  and 
husband.  Her  name  was  Truth,  she  said,  and  that 
of  her  husband  was  Wisdom.  Their  children  were 
Happiness,  Justice,  Art,  Love,  Progress.  Falsehood 
and  Deception  were  the  usurpers. 


216  THOUGHTS   OF  A   FOOL 

"That  story  of  yours  is  a  strange  one  indeed, 
madam,"  I  said,  "but  I  have  the  impression  that 
Wisdom  will  be  found  at  the  university." 

"That's  what  they  all  say,"  she  said,  "but  I  have 
sought  him  there,  and  found  him  not.  My  husband's 
teachings  are  universal,  not  university.  There  the 
people  have  the  privilege  only  of  contributing.  They 
who  are  debarred  provide  the  food,  shelter,  and  raiment 
for  them  who  do  not  toil. 

"The  buildings  are  tainted  by  the  sweat  and  blood 
of  the  disinherited,  who  'built  but  enter  not  in.'  It  is 
the  home  of  dissected  half-truths — acrobatic  intellec 
tuality.  They  chew  over  the  indigestible,  unnourish- 
able  yesterday,  to  be  vomited  and  injected  into  others 
tomorrow." 

"  Surely  the  university  is  better  than  no  education," 
I  interposed. 

"  Education !  The  university  has  corrupted  the 
very  word.  Instead  of  'drawing  out'  or  educing  the 
powers  of  the  student  by  the  process  of  unfoldment 
and  expansion  of  the  faculties  of  mind  and  body,  the 
university's  education  means  that  some  exterior  influ 
ence  is  exerted  on  something  to  make  it  act,  do,  or  think, 
contrary  to  the  natural  bent  of  the  real  self. 

"When  you  say  ' educated  dog,'  it  means  a  dog  that 
can  turn  somersaults,  walk  on  two  legs,  and  do  things 
foreign  to  the  real  nature  of  dogs.  An  educated 
elephant  is  one  that  can  waltz,  stand  on  one  leg,  and 
drink  whiskey.  An  educated  horse  is  one  that  can 


OSTRACIZED  217 


waltz,  keep  time  to  music — accomplishments  which 
were  not  intended  for  it  by  nature.  An  educated  horse 
is  unreliable  at  the  plow  or  other  horse  work.  An 
educated  man  is  one  taught  to  live  that  which  is  not 
himself.  His  education  deals  largely  with  clothing, 
manner  of  walk,  how  to  sit  at  the  table  and  eat.  To 
talk  about  things  you  don't  like  and  look  pleasant;  act 
as  if  you  enjoyed  it,  although  you  are  bored.  It  unfits 
man  for  the  work  nature  intended  for  him.  He  then 
becomes  a  helpless  creature,  living  on  the  good  will  of 
others.  No,  my  child,  Wisdom  is  not  in  the  univer- 
sity." 

At  this  I  said,  "I  can  tell  you  where  Art  can  be 
found.  Perhaps  she  knows  where  her  father  is.  We 
have  a  beautiful  art  conservatory  here;  it  is  the  home 
of  art,  where  all  the  doings  in  the  art  world  must  be 
brought  and  their  merits  discovered  and  approved  or 
tagged  officially  inartistic.  There  is  much  learning  in 
the  critics'  heads,  so  they  tell  me." 

"It  is  true,  my  child,"  she  said,  "that  Art  is  Wis 
dom's  child.  She  is  our  first  born,  and  was  closest  to 
my  husband's  heart.  She  is  the  pleasure  and  the  happi 
ness  of  those  who  know  her,  and  is  closely  associated 
with  all  that  brings  joy  to  man.  But  Art  is  not  where 
you  suppose  her  to  be.  This  curiosity  shop,  filled  with 
statues,  copies  and  imitations  from  the  Mediaeval  and 
Greek,  is  a  bedizened  prostitute  posing  as  my  daughter 
Art. 

"Art  is  life  itself.     It  must  come  as  an  expression 


218  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

from  within  the  man.  His  environment  and  his  whole 
life  must  be  expressed  therein.  The  Mediaeval  and 
Greek  art  express  this.  The  pictures  and  the  statues 
that  were  carved,  the  bronzes  that  were  hammered, 
had  places  in  the  buildings;  those  buildings  had  space 
in  the  old  city,  which  as  a  united  whole  expressed  the 
life  of  those  people.  To  call  an  abstract  or  carved 
figure  art  is  like  calling  an  abstract  nose  man.  It  is 
ridiculous ! 

"Art  is  in  all  the  activities  of  man.  Art  is  not 
mysterious;  it  is  life,  not  limited  to  the  palette  and  the 
chisel;  it  is  the  joy  of  work  and  the  result  of  a  labor  of 
love.  When  the  housewife  goes  about  her  work  and 
sings,  there  is  art.  When  a  mother  makes  a  nightshirt 
for  the  child  she  loves,  no  matter  how  crude  it  is,  that 
is  art,  for  the  real  essence  of  art  is  instilled  into  it ;  it  is 
a  work  of  love,  a  work  of  happiness.  To  recognize  art 
you  must  sense  the  conditions  that  environ  the  man 
who  made  the  thing.  Did  he  derive  pleasure  from 
doing  it  ?  If  the  artist  or  the  artisan  has  interwoven 
his  heart  and  his  life  into  his  work,  art  is  there,  and 
radiates  from  the  product  and  illumines  it. 

"You  cannot  confine  it  to  walls.  Like  life,  it  is 
spontaneous.  It  cannot  be  planned,  organized,  bottled, 
or  labeled.  It  is  the  fruit  of  the  heart.  It  always  is. 
When  we  aim  to  be  artistic  and  organize  for  it  we  be 
come  art-less.  Think  of  the  futility  of  planning  and 
organizing  an  affair  of  the  heart !  Think  of  organizing 
yourself  to  fall  in  love !  We  find  evidences  of  such 


OSTRACIZED  219 


fatuity  in  the  Municipal  Art  League,  organized  to  make 
Chicago  a  beautiful  city.  The  result  is  so  natural  that 
its  executive  officer  obstructs  the  street  before  his  place 
of  business  with  barrels,  bundles,  bales,  and  boxes." 

" Now  I  have  it,"  I  said  to  the  woman;  "Justice  will 
tell  where  Wisdom  is,  for  where  Justice  is  Wisdom 
cannot  be  far  away.  We  will  go  together  to  the  place 
where  they  punish  a  man  if  he  does  not  deal  in  a 
brotherly  manner.  You  can  surely  have  nothing  to 
say  against  this  noble  institution  of  Justice,  where 
life  and  property  are  protected,  and  without  which 
man  would  kill  his  brother  and  escape  punishment  for 
the  crime." 

"You  are  wrong,  my  child,"  she  said.  "The 
institution  that  is  called  Justice  is  conducted  by  the 
usurpers,  who  run  it  for  their  own  benefit,  and  not  at 
all  for  the  happiness  or  advantage  of  the  people.  No 
specie  of  animal  would  tolerate  being  in  prison  and  tor 
tured  by  its  own  kind.  Truth,  Justice,  and  Wisdom 
need  no  force  to  compel  obedience.  Falsehood  in  the 
guise  of  protecting  property  needs  force;  and  injunc 
tions  are  issued  against  the  toilers  of  the  earth. 

"  This  very  morning,"  she  went  on  to  say,  "  I  visited 
one  of  these  market-houses.  I  saw  one  man  justified  for 
killing  a  fellow-man  who  had  taken  a  pair  of  shoes,  and 
another  condemned  for  taking  a  bit  of  food  to  stay  the 
hunger  of  a  famished  family  conducted  to  a  prison  cell. 
The  father  was  denied  the  opportunity  of  continuing  his 
fruitless  search  for  work  whereby  to  earn  them  a  pit- 


220  THOUGHTS   OF  A   FOOL 

tance,  and  his  children  are  still  hungry.  And  there  were 
young  girls  who  had  been  deprived  of  means  to  save 
themselves  from  want  imprisoned  for  street-walking, 
by  people  who  claim  that  the  streets  belong  to  the 
people.  No,  my  child,  neither  Justice  nor  Wisdom 
will  be  found  in  such  a  place.  It,  too,  is  under  the 
influence  of  Deception." 

"Why  don't  you  try  the  Church  ?"  I  asked.  " There 
surely  we  may  discover  Wisdom.  It  is  claimed  God 
is  there.  The  devotees  at  that  shrine  claim  to  be  in 
constant  communion  with  him,  and  they  are  very 
fine  and  honorable.  They  devote  their  time  to  fasting 
and  praying;  and  are  saving  souls  constantly.  Think 
of  the  grandeur  of  such  devotion !  Yes,  surely  the 
Church  will  reveal  the  whereabouts  of  Wisdom,  for 
I  have  been  told  that  where  God  is,  there  is  Wisdom." 

"Alas,  my  child,"  sighed  Truth,  "you  are  wrong 
again.  Two  places  there  are  where  man  seeks  God 
and  finds  him  not,  within  the  walls  of  the  temple,  and 
at  the  graveside.  'You  cannot  imprison  me  between 
walls,'  says  God,  'neither  is  my  place  with  the  dead. 
I  am  the  living  God  of  the  living.  Where  misery  is  I 
am.  My  abode  is  with  the  rebel,  the  thief,  the  sick,  the 
prostrate,  and  the  prostitute.'  The  churches  save  not; 
they  sear  the  soul  of  man.  Hypocrisy  and  Falsehood 
sit  enthroned  there.  Neither  these  nor  their  disciples 
can  'save  the  unsavable.'  Nor  is  that  soul  worth 
saving  that  would  save  itself.  That  soul  that  real 
izes  the  general  welfare  is  saved.  Wlioso,  then,  strives 


OSTRACIZED  221 


for  the  tranquillity  of  the  social  whole  and  '  seeketh 
not  his  own  will  find  rest.' 

"I  know  the  very  people,"  I  suggested.  "Think 
of  the  gentle  and  generous  men  and  women  in  the 
Social  Settlement  work,  who  devote  their  lives  and 
means  to  a  kindly  solution  of  social  problems. 
These  'modern  saints'  are  animated  by  brotherhood 
and  good  will;  surely  we  shall  find  Wisdom  there." 

"Wisdom  is  not  there,"  she  responded.  'The 
Social  Settlement  is  only  one  other  way  of  staying 
progress.  Such  expedients  serve  to  palliate  injustice — 
to  quell  the  righteous  insurgency  of  the  disinherited  and 
despoiled.  It  is  a  sop  to  the  conscience  of  the  amiable 
oppressor.  This  paltering  with  conscience  is  so  much 
easier  and  cheaper  than  to  'get  off  the  backs'  of  the 
beneficiaries.  It  is  'jolly'  palmed  off  as  justice.  If 
you  were  obliged  to  carry  a  boil  on  your  neck  for  the 
remainder  of  your  life,  its  appearance  would  be  im 
proved  if  you  decorate  it.  Better  find  a  way  to  get 
rid  of  the  boil." 

"  Look  here,  madam,"  I  protested,  with  anger, 
"  this  wholesale  condemning  process  will  not  do.  This 
tearing  down  because  there  is  some  evil  is  uncalled  for. 
You  wish  to  destroy  the  Social  Settlement  and  offer  us 
nothing  in  place  of  the  Benevolent  Ice  Fund  and  the 
Humane  Pure  Milk  Supply.  You  wish  to  rob  us  of 
all.  Truth  would  not  tear  down  everything ;  it  would 
preserve  the  good  that  is  in  the  bad.  I  believe  you 
are  an  impostor,  madam,  and — " 


222 


"Hush,  child,  not  another  word."  She  put  her 
hand  over  my  mouth  so  I  could  not  speak  and  said : 

"The  Red  Cross  Society  with  its  skilled  surgeons 
and  nurses,  along  with  their  surgical  instruments, 
bandages,  and  liniments,  and  words  of  good  cheer,  do 
a  good  work  to  the  wounded ;  likewise  does  he  who  rubs 
down  the  prize  fighter;  but  in  the  name  of  my  beloved 
Wisdom,  let  the  war  cease. 

"  Stop  the  music !  Stay  the  hands  of  the  Red  Cross ! 
Let  the  horror  of  war  be  seen  as  it  is !  Remove  the 
glittering  wrapper  of  patriotism !  Let  civilization  be 
seen  in  its  nakedness !  Let  the  cries  and  grunts  of  the 
maimed,  limbless,  and  brainless  patriots  who  are  lying 
on  the  battle-field  of  commerce  pierce  the  Heavens  and 
reach  the  soul  of  God  !  *  Your  sacrifice  nauseates  me,' 
said  God,  my  Father.  Wisdom  says  that  it  it  not  evil 
that  is  to  be  feared ;  it  is  the  good  which  is  in  evil  which 
decoys  innocence  and  snares  the  unwary.  It  is  not  the 
trap  that  plays  havoc  with  the  rat;  it  is  that  virtuous, 
good,  and  noble  bait,  that  pious,  saintly  piece  of  roast 
beef  enshrined  on  its  altar  which  allures  the  rodent  to 
the  trap.  If  you  are  not  in  position  to  fill  the  hole  in 
the  pathway  of  humanity,  for  God's  sake  do  not  cover 
it  with  a  spider-web.  Falsehood  by  itself  could  harm 
no  one;  it  could  not  exist.  The  interwoven  grain  of 
truth  in  falsehood  is  what  works  mischief. 

"  In  place  of  war  you  shall  have  peace.  You  shall 
have  sound  limbs  in  place  of  crutches.  Broad  acres  I 
will  give  you  in  place  of  stuffy  garrets ;  instead  of  bottle 


OSTRACIZED  223 


milk  you  shall  have  pure  mother  milk,  distilled  from 
nutritious  food  and  fresh  air,  among  the  songs  of  the 
birds  and  the  poetry  of  nature. 

"  Let  there  be  justice  and  you  will  not  need  charity." 
In  despair  I  suggested  that  in  the  camps  of  the 
Socialists  we  might  end  our  quest.  ''These  good 
people,"  I  declared,  "  make  great  and  noble  sacrifices 
in  a  worthy  cause.  Let  them  enroll  a  majority  of  the 
voters,  and  an  era  of  peace  on  earth,  good  will  to  man, 
will  be  ushered  in.  No  more  the  struggle  for  subsis 
tence.  No  competition,  no  thefts,  no  harlotry,  no  jails. 
Every  one  will  have  plenty.  The  petty  quarrels  that 
might  still  arise  could  be  speedily  settled  by  judges 
selected  by  all  the  people,  whereas  under  the  present 
regime,  capital  administers  government  for  its  own 
protection." 

"  Wrong  again,  my  child,"  she  said.  "  Wisdom  is 
not  in  that  camp.  Capital  is  not  the  oppressor  of  man 
kind.  It  is  the  power  back  of  capital  that  perverts 
society.  Capital  is  a  servant.  When  it  attains  mastery 
it  becomes  mischievous.  Possession  of  wealth  is  desir 
able.  The  triumph  of  socialism  would  centralize  it. 
When  your  industries  are  administered  by  the  State, 
every  foreman  in  the  shop  will  be  a  politician.  The 
rights  and  privileges  you  still  retain  will  be  denied  you 
under  socialism.  The  freedom  of  the  individual  will 
be  lessened.  Your  little  satraps,  drunk  with  power, 
will  seize  more  and  more  power,  and  you  will  lose  even 
your  slender  privilege  to  'kick.'  No  man,  be  he  ever 


224  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

so  pure,  is  strong  enough  and  good  enough  to  hold  in 
his  keeping  the  liberties  of  another.  In  short,  you  can 
not  obtain  or  maintain  peace  by  force.  The  terms 
contradict  each  other." 

All  at  once  her  eyes  brightened  and  her  mien  trans 
formed  to  a  beauty  and  a  grandeur  that  amazed  me. 

"See,"  she  cried,  as  one  enraptured,  "I  have  found 
them — my  mate  and  our  bairns !" 

I  seemed  to  be  floating  in  space.  Presently  I  be 
came  aware  of  a  bright  and  shining  light.  I  was  in 
the  presence  of  a  farmer  spreading  dung  over  the  land, 
and  he  spoke  to  me  while  working. 

"  The  more  the  stench  of  the  dung,  the  more  fragrant 
flowers  it  will  produce,"  he  said.  "The  rottener  the 
manure,  the  more  strength-giving  fruit  it  will  bring 
forth.  Life  has  so  decreed  that  when  a  thing  has 
become  so  vile  that  it  cannot  get  worse,  then  it  is  so 
good  that  it  makes  other  things  better.  There  is 
nothing  in  life  so  great  that  the  very  least  cannot  become 
greater  by  becoming  still  less ;  letting  itself  be  used  as 
fertilizer  to  make  other  things  greater.  When  thoughts 
become  very,  very,  foolish  they  become  unexcelled  as 
fertilizer.  No  being  has  so  much  knowledge  that  the 
one  who  knows  not  cannot  excel  it  by  knowing  still 
less.  Everything  has  its  use.  All  is  one.  Until  you 
understand — ." 

My  heart  trembled  with  fear,  for  a  great  darkness 
spread  over  the  horizon.  My  senses  were  leaving  me. 
I  felt  myself  in  the  dung  which  was  spread  over  the 


OSTRACISED  225 


ground.  I  felt  myself  becoming  a  part  of  the  earth, 
a  part  of  the  grass,  a  part  of  everything  there  is.  Then 
again  I  felt  that  all  there  was  of  me  was  gathered  up 
and  put  into  a  body  again,  and  I  was  still  in  the  presence 
of  Wisdom,  Truth,  and  their  offspring. 

Wisdom  held  me  in  his  arms;  his  hand  pointed  to 
what  appeared  at  first  as  a  cloud.  Each  moment  it 
became  more  dense. 

It  was  a  monster  with  a  thousand  tongues  ever  and 
ever  changing  form.  I  discerned  familiar  phases. 

There  were  swords  and  bludgeons.  Caps  and  gowns 
and  books.  Reformers,  Social  Settlements.  Success 
ful  business  men,  Christian  Scientists,  and  prostitutes. 
Virtuous  women,  corsets,  clubs,  law  and  order,  Bibles, 
and  crucifixes. 

And  all  these  and  more  made  up  the  monster, 
Prejudice. 

I  realized  that  I  was  now  alone.  I  heard  as  from 
a  thousand  raucous  throats  a  great  cry,  addressed,  I 
knew,  to  me: 

"Thou  fool:  thou  art  ostracized." 


MY  FIRST  CASE 


MY  FIRST  CASE 


IT  was  a  great  privilege  that  was  accorded  me  last 
night  to  be  allowed  to  sit  in  the  gallery  and  hear 
the  speeches  at  the  banquet.  Our  senior  senator's 
response  to  the  toast  "My  First  Case,"  made  so  strong 
an  impression  upon  me  that  even  after  I  had  crept  into 
bed  I  thought  of  it.  How  great  must  be  the  satisfac 
tion  of  a  young  lawyer  who  successfully  pleads  his  first 
case  in  behalf  of  some  poor  client  against  a  rich  cor 
poration  !  How  gratifying  to  wrest  victory  from  more 
experienced  antagonists,  and  to  be  upheld  by  the 
presence  of  his  friends  and  his  sweetheart. 

In  my  half-waking  condition  I  was  wishing  that  my 
career  would  have  been  one  of  a  lawyer  instead  of  a 
bustle-maker.  Then,  like  a  panorama,  my  life  was 
mirrored  before  me,  and  in  the  moving  pictures  as  they 
passed  by  I  saw  complaints,  trials,  verdicts;  complaints, 
trials,  verdicts. 

Without  realizing  it,  I  have  been  in  court  from  the 
day  of  my  birth,  constantly  pleading  my  cases;  and 
the  prospects  are  good  for  employing  the  remainder 
of  my  days  in  court. 

My  first  case  began  at  my  birth,  although  I  did  not 
possess,  as  yet,  a  diploma  which  would  qualify  me  to 

229 


230  THOUGHTS   OF   A   FOOL 

practice  before  a  court  of  record.  Nevertheless,  I 
pleaded  that  case  with  all  the  force  and  eloquence  my 
infant  lungs  could  muster.  When  my  mother  sub 
stituted  malted  milk  in  order  to  save  her  breasts  to 
decorate  a  decollete  gown  for  receptions,  balls,  and 
parties,  I  felt  that  I  was  being  swindled  of  what  life 
had  bequeathed  to  me.  What  right  had  that  mother 
of  mine  to  use  that  which  nature  intrusted  to  her  keep 
ing  to  be  used  as  a  distillery  and  a  store-house  for  my 
food  as  an  ornament  with  which  to  decorate  herself  at 
gala  shows.  To  misuse  that  with  which  one  is  intrusted 
is  a  violation  of  a  trust  and  the  offender  guilty  of  breach 
of  trust.  To  squander  a  trust  fund  and  to  substitute 
something  else  of  an  inferior  grade  is  fraud.  Though 
I  survived  this  ordeal,  my  mother  was  putting  herself 
into  the  attitude  of  a  potential  murderess,  for  I  might 
have  died  of  such  treatment.  I  protested  against 
this  larceny  as  bailee.  I  registered  my  complaint  by 
kicking,  crying,  and  screaming.  Mother  gave  me  over 
to  my  nurse,  and  she  tossed  me  about  and  finally  put 
me  in  my  cradle,  and  called  the  doctor,  who  put  a  few 
drops  of  dope  in  my  food,  and  I  went  to  sleep  ex 
hausted.  Thus  I  pleaded  and  lost  my  first  case. 

The  next  picture  which  appeared  before  me  was 
when  I,  a  child  of  two  years,  stood  looking  out  of  my 
window  and  seeing,  other  children  enjoying  themselves 
playing  on  the  street,  while  my  clothes,  nurse  said,  were 
too  fine  and  my  parents  too  rich  and  respectable  for 
me  to  play  with  common  people's  children,  and  when 


MY  FIRST  CASE  231 

I  cried  nurse  took  me  in  her  arms  and  pointed  to  some 
kind  of  a  chart  which  hung  framed  on  the  wall  and  said 
that  this  was  a  "family  tree,"  and  people  who  have 
them  must  not  cry. 

What  right  had  they  to  impose  their  respectability 
and  the  dignity  of  their  riches,  which  I  did  not  care  for, 
and  of  which  I  did  not  know  the  use,  upon  a  helpless, 
defenseless  child  ?  And  even  to  this  day  I  do  not  know 
and  cannot  understand  what  good  a  "family  tree"  is. 
Life  had  appointed  them  guardian  to  care  for  me  in 
the  best  possible  manner  till  I  should  be  able  to  care  for 
myself.  What  right  did  they  have  to  impose  their  love 
less  life  upon  me  ?  And  when  the  male  guardian  of  the 
family  came  home  from  his  club  the  worse  for  liquor, 
what  right  had  he  to  "  tootsie  wootsie  "  and  kiss  me 
and  make  me  sick  with  his  vile  breath  ?  I  pleaded 
my  case  by  pulling  my  father's  whiskers,  by  kicking 
the  governess,  and  running  away  whenever  the  oppor 
tunity  offered.  Nevertheless  I  lost  my  case. 

Later,  when  my  parents  separated  because  of  in 
compatibility,  and  I  was  placed  in  a  convent  by  the 
order  of  the  court,  my  emotions  sought  expression  in 
playing.  But  the  rules  of  the  convent  did  not  permit 
play.  Instead,  they  crammed  me  with  information 
about  things  that  did  not  concern  me  and  refused  me 
answers  to  questions  upon  that  which  interested  me. 
They  made  me  pray  when  I  had  no  prayer  in  me,  and 
they  read  all  the  letters  that  I  wrote  and  received.  I 
protested  against  this  invasion  and  abridgement  of  my 


232  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

liberty  by  crying  and  scolding  the  nuns,  and  by  running 
away  several  times,  but  was  always  taken  back  to 
endure  even  more  vigorous  restraint.  And  so  I  lost 
my  case.  I  seemed  to  be  the  victim  of  a  conspiracy  to 
cheat  me  of  my  inheritance.  But  I  thought  that 
probably  if  I  would  endure  it  for  a  while  that  when  I 
had  become  grown  up  I  should  come  into  my  estate  of 
liberty.  But  in  this  expectation  I  was  doomed  to  dis 
appointment  as  well  as  before,  for  when  I  reached 
womanhood  I  found  that  I  was  expected  to  permit 
others  to  shape  my  life  for  me. 

The  next  vision  on  the  panorama  is  the  saddest  of 
my  life,  seeing  two  of  my  sisters  die,  one  of  con 
sumption,  being  unhappy  with  her  husband,  and  not 
being  strong  enough  to  withstand  the  drain  of  successive 
child-bearing  upon  her  tired  frame.  Children  kindly 
nature  had  given  her,  not  of  a  normal  motherhood  de 
mand  but  because  her  husband  was  the  provider  and 
my  sister  a  woman  anxious  for  peace  submitted  to  his 
vile  passions  rather  than  to  have  him  nagging.  Mother 
nature  cares  not  for  the  cause  of  the  demand  made  upon 
her;  so  long  there  be  a  demand  she  supplies  without 
question.  And  so  my  sister  died. 

The  cause  of  my  other  sister's  death  was  likewise  a 
"brute  of  a  husband."  Sisters,  dear  sisters,  how  I 
mourn  you!  How  I  mourn  your  sacrifice  to  conven 
tionality  !  I  should  think  that  this  monster  convention 
would  have  been  satisfied  with  two  sacrificial  offer 
ings  in  one  family.  So  when  my  maternal  feeling  got 


MY   FIRST   CASE  233 

so  strong,  and  the  desire  to  become  a  mother  so  great 
within  me,  I  thought  that  I  should  be  permitted  to 
become  one  without  pledging  my  body  for  life  to  a 
man  whose  attentions  I  would  probably  not  care  to  re 
ceive  after  conception.  The  fish  of  the  sea  have  their 
appointed  time  to  propagate.  The  fowls  of  the  air 
have  their  mating  seasons.  The  beasts  of  the  forest 
their  breeding  periods.  But  you,  my  brother,  impose 
your  uncontrolled  passions  on  your  mate  in  and  out  of 
season. 

I,  a  full-grown  woman,  passed  the  age  of  thirty,  I 
thought  would  be  permitted  to  select  the  man  that 
should  father  my  child.  And  not  heeding  my  neigh 
bors  when  they  tried  to  dictate  to  me  by  whom,  when, 
and  how  I  should  become  a  mother,  I  am  indicted 
as  being  an  unfit  person  to  be  admitted  to  the  homes 
of  my  fellow-citizens.  Ostracism  from  my  fellow- 
beings  is  the  verdict  they  ask  public  opinion  to  give. 
And  even  now,  wrhen  my  child  is  four  years  of  age, 
I  have  fully  proven  to  convention  that  a  child  that 
comes  into  the  world  because  of  the  demand  of  the 
mother,  will  be  provided  by  life  with  all  the  love  it  needs. 

Yet  I  am  dragged  into  the  Court  of  Public  Opinion, 
my  accusers  asking  for  my  condemnation,  and  put  upon 
my  defense. 

In  my  reverie  I  seemed  to  arise  slowly,  perfectly 
conscious  of  my  victory,  knowing  the  responsibility 
devolving  on  me,  ready  and  willing  to  plead  not  only 
for  myself  but  for  the  freedom  of  my  sex.  So,  facing 


234  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

the  court,  and  in  a  clear  and  distinct  voice  which  seemed 
to  ring  through  the  court-room,  I  said : 

"The  honorable  Court  of  Public  Opinion,  and  the 
citizens  under  its  control :  there  is  a  feeling  abides  with 
me,  a  conviction  I  might  say,  that  you  will  deliberate 
this  case  carefully,  without  any  fear  and  prejudice,  in 
the  most  calm  manner,  as  the  happiness  of  womanhood 
is  at  stake.  Your  own  happiness,  as  well  as  your 
daughter's;  your  sister's  as  well  as  my  own.  I  beg  of 
you  to  please  record  that  I  am  not  now  setting  up  any 
defense  against  the  charge  with  which  I  am  confronted. 
If  my  desire  and  anxiety  would  be  for  my  acquittal  I 
would  let  the  case  go  before  your  honorable  body  for  de 
cision  without  setting  up  any  defense,  as  my  accusers 
have  not  proven  the  charges  set  out  in  the  indictment. 
I  admit  that  I  am  associated,  in  fact  very  intimate,  with 
Love.  But  it  is  admitted  by  all,  and  I  have  even  heard 
this  honorable  court  say,  that  to  love  is  no  crime.  But, 
say  they  in  the  indictment,  that  I  use  my  love  with  a 
hypnotic  power,  and  thereby  I  destroy  and  wreck  the 
life  of  Happy  Homes.  And  say  they  in  the  indict 
ment,  that  I  have  freed  Love  and  thereby  wrecked 
Happy  Homes;  that  would  make  the  charge  against 
me  accessory  before  the  act. 

"  The  law  of  evidence  is  very  clear  that  when  a  per 
son  is  charged  with  murder  it  devolves  upon  the  pros 
ecution  to  produce  the  'corpus  delictu.'  Unless  it  be 
shown  that  there  had  been  such  a  person  as  the  one 
with  whose  destruction  I  am  charged,  I  must  be  ac- 


MY   FIRST  CASE  235 

quitted,  however  strong  the  chain  of  circumstantial 
evidence  connecting  me  with  the  crime.  The  prosecu 
tion  of  this  case  has  failed  to  produce  any  evidence 
that  Happy  Homes  was  seen  recently.  There  is  no 
evidence  whatever  that  I  was  ever  acquainted  with 
Happy  Homes.  Happy  Homes,  as  the  court  knows, 
is  a  myth.  For  centuries  Happy  Homes  has  had  no 
existence,  and  I  could  not  destroy  what  did  not  exist. 
So  if  I  were  alarmed  for  my  personal  safety,  though  I 
would  not  say  anything  in  my  defense,  you  could  not  do 
otherwise  than  to  acquit  me  for  lack  of  evidence. 

"My  object,  your  honors,  in  standing  now  before 
you  is  not  to  defend  but  to  accuse.  Transformation 
has  taken  place.  Instead  of  the  accused  criminal  beg 
ging  for  mercy,  I  stand  as  an  accuser  demanding  justice ! 

"  Here,  now,  I  see  the  proper  opportunity  to  charge 
my  accusers  with  the  most  heinous  crime  of  conspiracy. 
From  the  day  of  my  birth  until  the  present  time  there 
was  not  a  day  that  passed  that  they  did  not  harass  me 
and  make  my  life  miserable.  Fear  and  Prejudice,  my 
accusers,  are  dishonorable,  and  should  be  banished 
from  any  community.  I  will  show  to  this  honorable 
court  the  true  character  of  two  of  the  most  dangerous 
traitors  that  ever  inflicted  mankind.  Always  conspiring 
against  the  community  which  honors  them.  Un 
grateful  wretches !  The  more  you  respect  them,  the 
more  you  nourish  them,  the  more  you  fondle  them,  the 
more  miserable  they  will  make  you.  They  will  devour 
your  very  happiness. 


236  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

"If  this  honorable  court  please,  let  Fear  stand  up 
so  you  can  have  a  good  look  at  him.  Look  how  miser 
able  and  cowardly  he  acts !  See  how  he  cringes ! 

"Come  out,  Fear,  from  behind  that  child !  Come 
out,  Fear,  from  behind  that  woman's  apron  there !  Let 
the  court  see  you !  You  are  always  hiding  behind 
children  and  women!  Always  afraid  of  what  will 
become  of  the  poor  defenseless  orphans  and  widows. 
What  has  Fear  ever  done  for  them  ?  It  is  Love,  my 
comrades,  that  cares,  provides,  and  suffers  for  the 
children  and  the  women.  It  is  Love  that  makes  the 
bread,  it  is  Love  that  fashions  the  clothes,  it  is  Love  that 
builds  the  houses  for  the  use  of  the  women  and  children. 
And  here,  Prejudice,  stand  up  and  let  the  court  see  you. 
You  looked  like  a  mountain  when  you  were  my  accuser, 
and  like  a  tiger  you  were  fierce  when  you  made  the 
charges  against  me.  But  here  as  I  assert  myself — 

"  Here,  your  honorable  court,  I  can't  find  Prejudice 
anywhere.  He  has  vanished  though  all  the  doors  are 
locked.  I  demand  that  an  attachment  be  issued  by  this 
honorable  court,  and  let  Prejudice  be  brought  before 
this  honorable  body,  that  the  court  may  see.  There 
is  really  nothing  to  Prejudice;  there  was  nothing  in 
him  in  the  first  place.  It  was  only  the  noise  they 
have  been  making.  I  have  no  dealing  with  either 
Fear  or  Prejudice.  When  you  know  what  they  are 
you  can  go  about  your  business  unmolested  by  Fear 
or  Prejudice. 

"The  danger,  my  fellow-citizens,  is  when  you  do 


MY  FIRST  CASE  237 

not  know  them.  The  danger  is  when  you  are  not 
acquainted  with  them.  It  is  then  that  they  destroy 
the  possibilities  of  Freedom  living  in  your  community. 
Happy  Homes  could  not  have  lived  in  the  community 
where  either  Fear  or  Prejudice  existed.  Fear  and  Pre 
judice  have  stolen  the  outer  garments  of  Happy  Homes 
and  make  of  them  a  flimsy  disguise  for  Miserable 
Homes  and  Wretchedness. 

"And  here  in  the  audience,  your  honorable  court, 
I  see  Economics.  Come,  Economics,  and  testify  in  my 
behalf  before  this  honorable  body.  You  have  traveled 
all  over  this  land ;  tell  us  if  you  have  seen  Happy  Homes 
anywhere.  Tell  the  honorable  court  of  Public  Opinion, 
please,  what  you  have  told  me,  that '  fear  of  poverty  has 
driven  away  any  possibility  of  Happy  Homes  anywhere.' 
Tell  the  honorable  court,  too,  dear  Economics,  whether 
or  not  you  have  not  found  Miserable  Homes  masquerad 
ing  in  the  garb  of  Happy  Homes  wherever  you  went. 
And  there  is  Miserable  Homes;  you  all  know  him. 
He  will  testify  that  he  holds  the  life  lease  on  all  the 
homes,  even  on  the  home  of  this  honorable  court.  And 
the  lease  which  I  have  seen  is  signed  by  Fear  and  Pre 
judice.  So  I  implore  this  honorable  court,  if  you  desire 
to  have  happiness  in  this  community,  banish  these  ever- 
devouring  monsters  and  conspirators,  Fear  and  Preju 
dice,  along  with  their  retinue,  out  of  the  land;  then  we 
can  all  enjoy  love  in  freedom,  and  we  will  hail  with  joy 
the  return  of  Happy  Homes." 

A  hush  fell  upon  the  assemblage  as  Respectability, 


238  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

the  court  crier,  announced  that  the  honorable  court  of 
Public  Opinion  was  ready  to  render  a  decision. 

In  tremulous  voice,  and  without  lifting  his  eyes  from 
the  paper  on  which  his  verdict  had  been  transcribed, 
Public  Opinion  read  as  follows: 

"It  is  customary  for  those  who  are  under  the  juris 
diction  of  this  court  to  subscribe  to  appearances. 
While  we  are  aware  that  Miserable  Homes  is  a  guest  at 
the  fireside  of  each  of  us,  we  are  justified  in  acquiescing 
in  the  assumption  that  Happy  Homes  dwells  with  our 
neighbors.  The  law  upholds  many  'legal  fictions '- 
some  of  them  having  been  cherished  so  long  as  to  have 
all  the  sanctions  we  accord  to  truth.  We  must,  in  so 
far  as  we  have  the  power,  protect  our  established  legal 
fictions.  Properly,  therefore,  society  punishes  with 
ostracism  all  who  strip  bare  such  professions  as  we 
regard  valuable.  However,  as  this  court  has  juris 
diction  only  over  those  who  are  willing  to  be  wretched 
in  order  to  hold  certificates  of  respectability  (on  the 
well-known  principle  that  every  just  court  derives  its 
powers  from  the  consent  of  the  judged),  this  court  can 
mete  out  justice  only  to  those  who  consent  to  its  domin 
ion,  yet  disregard  its  mandates.  This  defendant,  pre 
ferring  to  be  ruled  by  her  own  conscience  rather  than 
to  keep  up  appearances,  seems  to  be  outside  the  juris 
diction  of  this  court.  This  tribunal  is,  and  of  right 
ought  to  be,  a  terror  to  those  under  its  control,  but  it 
must  recognize  an  inclination  to  accord  some  measure 


MY  FIRST  CASE  239 

of  admiration  to  such  as  have  the  courage  to  defy  it. 
The  defendant  stands  acquitted." 

(To  a  newspaper  reporter  the  learned  judge  later 
made  the  private  admission  that  there  was  more  of 
policy  than  kindliness  in  his  decision,  inasmuch  as 
the  class  of  insurgents  which  the  defendant  represented 
might  some  day  be  the  leaders  of  public  opinion  them 
selves.) 

Rabbi  Emil  G.  Hirsch,  who  had  been  an  attentive 
listener  to  the  proceedings,  added  6clat  to  the  ovation 
that  was  given  me  as  I  left  the  court-room  by  shouting, 
"  I  propose  three  cheers  for  the  woman  who  dared." 


BOILED  CABBAGE 


BOILED  CABBAGE 


PERHAPS  you  understand  such  things  better 
than  I.  As  for  myself — really  I  admit  myself 
unable  to  fathom  the  why  and  the  wherefore  of 
such  simple  natural  phenomena  as  the  transformation 
that  takes  place  in  things  when  they  experience  chem 
ical  and  electrical  interference.  All  I  know  is  that  they 
change,  and  I  am  satisfied.  Like  all  natural  phe 
nomena,  it  exists,  and  I  do  not  know  how  to  figure  out 
the  why.  The  change  which  takes  place  can  be  sensed, 
it  can  be  felt,  smelled,  or  seen.  Why  is  it  that  a  head 
of  cabbage,  fresh  from  stalk  or  stall,  is  so  different  an 
entity  after  the  simple  process  of  boiling  ?  We  are 
aware  of  the  difference  through  several  senses,  but 
chiefly  by  assault  and  battery  on  our  sense  of  smell. 
Is  the  art  of  cooking  some  improved  or  retrograded 
science  of  alchemy  ?  None  but  an  alchemist  of  high 
degree  could  assume  the  audacity  to  convert  a  raw 
potato  into  pommes  de  terre  au  gratin.  Any  kitchen 
scullion  could  tell  both  you  and  me  a  great  deal  about 
salads  and  other  such  matters.  Our  chef  accomplishes 
miracles,  but  I  venture  to  say  that  he  has  never  yet 
essayed  to  account  for  the  marvel.  The  chemist  can 
tell  us  all  about  the  ingredients  and  chemical  properties 

243 


244  THOUGHTS   OF  A   FOOL 

of  cabbage;  but  can  he  give  me  the  reason  for  the 
cabbage  law  ?  Can  he  tell  me  why  a  potato  gets  soft 
and  an  egg  hard  when  boiled  ? 

An  acorn  falls;  it  takes  root.  Lo!  an  oak.  The 
contact  of  the  acorn  with  earth,  the  sun's  rays,  the 
gentle  rain,  the  tempered  wind,  the  dew,  and  that 
indefinable  essence  of  life — these  combine  to  uprear 
another  oak-tree  in  the  forest.  I  have  heard  no  grum 
bling  in  the  woods;  the  forest  is  content.  The  other 
trees  make  neither  comment,  cavil,  nor  complaint. 
Acorn  was.  Earth  is.  The  young  oak  is. 

And  so,  when  a  human  entity  is  attracted  here  to 
the  sun,  the  rain,  the  wind,  and  the  multifold  unseen 
and  impalpable  forces  and  influences  that  make  for 
growth,  and  which  we  call  life,  we  realize  a  like  phe 
nomenon.  There  was  one.  Now  there  be  twain. 

My  befuddled  brain  puzzles  wearily  with  the  mys 
tery.  Yet  mystery  on  mystery.  Why  is  it  that  society 
persists  in  multiplying  mystery  ?  For  is  it  not  a  cer 
tainty,  while  the  sapling  in  the  forest  meets  a  welcome, 
the  newcomer  into  society  requires  credentials  ?  Neither 
the  cook  nor  the  alchemist  from  whom  the  cook  is 
descended  can  help  us  here.  It's  all  well  enough  to 
understand  that  cabbage  becomes  acceptable  by  being 
boiled.  The  like  process  will  not  operate  kindly  in  the 
matter  of  babies. 

No,  clearly  the  alchemist  nor  his  cousin,  the 
wizard,  can  help  us  in  this  dilemma.  The  magician 
has  but  to  say  "Presto,  change!"  or  some  equally 


BOILED   CABBAGE  245 

potent  phrase,  and  the  thing's  done  in  a  jiffy.  If  he 
omits  the  formula  the  change  refuses  to  occur.  While  in 
magic  also  the  change  is  visible  (if  the  operator  be  apt), 
the  distinction  which  society  imposes  is  quite  beyond 
the  discernment  of  the  senses,  even  the  most  common. 

"You  are  a  bastard."  This  is  said  to  me  with  a 
fine  scorn  that  is  designed  to  convince  me  that  in  com 
parison  with  others  there  is  a  vital  defect  in  me.  I  am 
under  standard.  In  commerce  I  should  be  classed  as 
"seconds."  My  worth  to  society  is  below  par.  My 
own  observation  convinces  me  that  the  classification 
of  inferiority  imposed  upon  me  lacks  validity.  I  am 
well-knit.  My  carriage  and  demeanor  unexceptionable; 
my  muscles  are  well  developed  and  supple.  Stately, 
well  proportioned;  clean-cut  features.  I  am  accounted 
no  mean  antagonist,  and  can  "  hold  my  own  "  in  debate 
on  most  topics.  My  mirror  (one  of  the  best  makes) 
reflects,  without  reflecting  upon,  my  comeliness;  and 
lays  some  emphasis  upon  even  white  teeth,  virile  hair, 
and  a  complexion  not  too  tawny  to  hide  the  crimson 
flood  that  flows  freely  through  my  veins. 

"Seconds!"  Nay,  nay!  Not  so.  Without  the 
whispered  cue,  even  society  would  rank  me  as  an  "A 
Number  One"  article. 

I  have  heard  a  woman  declare  that  she  would  give 
some  of  her  thousands  for  some  of  my  hair.  Another 
craved  my  complexion.  A  third  envied  me  a  voice, 
which,  in  her  ecstatic  admiration  she  averred  to  be  most 
melodious. 


246  THOUGHTS   OF  A   FOOL 

There's  nothing  of  the  "slouch"  in  me.  You 
should  see  me  at  work.  Ah !  I  love  my  work,  and  be 
cause  of  the  joy  I  have  in  it  I  easily  excel  those  who 
feel  it  a  drudgery  to  perform  one-half  my  stent.  Yet 
I  am  a  bastard.  "  Presto,  change !"  was  not  said  over 
the  union  of  my  parents;  and  I  am  neither  an  accident 
nor  a  child  of  convenience.  My  father  did  not  seek  my 
mother  to  supply  the  need  of  a  housekeeper,  nor  did 
my  mother  crave  a  home. 

My  mother  is  the  woman  of  my  own  choice.  While 
I  was  still  in  the  very  blood  of  my  father  I  felt  her 
presence.  I  intoxicated  him  with  a  passion  he  could 
not  withstand.  How  I  longed  for  her — my  mother — 
to  receive  me.  In  her  blood  was  floating  about  that 
which  would  complete  me.  How  deftly  I  schemed  and 
contrived  my  father's  introduction  to  her.  And  his 
execution  of  my  impulse  was  perfect.  How  I  com 
pelled  him  to  caress  and  fondle  the  sweet  mother  of  my 
choice!  When  he  kissed  her  lips  it  was  I  that  kissed 
her.  His  arms  about  her  were  the  arms  that  were  to 
become  my  arms.  It  was  I  who  made  his  heart  pal 
pitate  with  joy  when  she  was  near,  or  even  in  his 
thoughts,  and  I  brought  her  to  his  thoughts  when  she 
was  far  away.  I  would  not  let  him  give  place  to  any 
other  thought  than  thoughts  of  her — my  mother. 

People  said  that  he  was  mad.  Yes,  with  a  divine 
madness.  And  it  was  I  who  had  made  him  so. 

And  how  restless  was  that  complement  of  me  that 
my  mother's  blood  held  in  suspense  when  it  compelled 


BOILED   CABBAGE  247 

her  to  realize  that  the  comely  youth  who  was  to  father 
me  held  in  his  being  the  corresponding  atom  of  me ! 

The  blushes  that  suffused  her  beauteous  face  were 
responses  all  to  my  allurements.  I  went  to  her  brain, 
and  she  could  think  but  of  him.  Her  eyes  had  vision 
for  none  but  for  him.  Yes,  I  caused  her  pain,  much 
pain,  but  not  more  than  was  good  for  her.  For  her 
pain  brought  compensating  pleasure  that  put  all  pain 
and  thought  of  pain  to  rout.  Waking  and  dreaming, 
she  knew  me,  and  all  that  I  would  be  to  her,  and  she 
knew  naught  else  but  me — and  the  youth  who  carried 
me  in  his  rushing  tide  of  life. 

Not  for  myself  alone  was  I  enlisted  in  the  choice  of 
my  parents,  but  more  because  of  all  the  future  genera 
tions  that  were  pent  up  within  my  womb  while  I  was 
floating  inchoate  in  the  blood  that  coursed  through  the 
hearts  of  my  mother  and  my  father. 

And  of  that  conjunction  of  the  me  in  my  father, 
and  of  that  in  my  mother  that  longed  for  me,  I  became 
unified.  Such  love  as  interflowed  betwixt  them  twain 
was  the  soul  struggling  to  be  born,  to  be  properly  born 
and  beautifully  expressed.  My  parents  loved,  and  I 
am  the  fruit  of  love.  Their  love  was  perfect,  and  my 
birth  was  perfect,  and  I  am  perfect.  I  am  the  child 
of  Love,  and  I  am  Love. 

Yet  I  am  a  bastard,  for  no  hocus-pocus  incantation 
was  chanted  over  the  nuptials  from  which  I  issue.  No 
wizard,  no  priest,  no  magistrate,  had  lot  or  parcel  in 
my  borning.  Hence  I  am  greater  than  Magic,  greater 


248  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

than  the  Church,  greater  than  State.  I  am  the  incar 
nation  of  harmony,  the  essence  of  happiness,  the  pro 
duct  of  nature.  And  you,  unhappy  children  of  chance, 
unwelcome  and  dreaded  in  your  coming,  how  I  pity  you ! 
I  look  into  your  tired  faces,  racked  bodies,  clouded 
brains,  and  loveless  natures,  and  do  not  marvel  to  find 
you  true  to  your  father's  superstitions.  No,  I  do  not 
despise  you,  nor  will  I  deny  you  the  benefit  of  my  love. 
I  love  you,  for  I  am  the  child  of  Love.  Such  am  I,  the 
bastard. 


IT  IS  FINISHED 


"IT  IS  FINISHED 


1  CONFIDED  to  a  wise  man  my  intention  to  write 
a  book,  and  requested  that  he  suggest  a  title.     He 
advised  me  to  call  it  "Thoughts  of  a  Fool,"  and 
he  explained  that  his  counsel  was  not  based  alone  on 
his  estimate  of  my  inferiority  to  the  wise,  but  that  I 
was  specifically  foolish  to  expect  fame,   appreciation, 
or  money  for  my  efforts. 

Later,  when  I  submitted  the  manuscript  for  his 
approval  it  was  not  approval  I  got,  but  a  lecture  so 
animated  in  objurgation  that  its  import  is  worth  record 
ing.  He  commented  with  itemized  disfavor  upon  each 
chapter  as  he  read  it,  and  summed  up  his  appraisal  at 
the  end  of  the  reading  with  the  assurance  that  what  I 
had  written  wTas  "rot." 

"Tear  it  up!"  he  said.  "It  is  'no  good.'  It  is,  as  I 
have  said,  the  veriest  balderdash,  rubbish,  rot.  Your 
stuff  would  raise  questions  in  the  minds  of  your  readers 
to  which  you  afford  no  adequate  answers.  A  book 
should  deal  with  the  Ideal.  To  be  worthy,  it  should 
build  up,  while  you  tear  down.  It  should  educate,  not 
derogate  from  the  sum  of  wisdom  which  the  world  has 
been  ages  in  accumulating.  Besides,  you  are  incon 
sistent  throughout,  for  you  do  not  believe  in  condemn- 

251 


252  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

ing,  yet  from  beginning  to  end  you  indulge  in  a  succes 
sion  of  condemnations." 

So  now  that  I  have  succeeded  in  enlisting  a  pub 
lisher,  it  is  but  fair  to  you,  my  reader,  that  you  be  taken 
into  my  confidence;  and  I  want  to  leave  no  question  in 
your  mind  concerning  myself.  The  thoughts  and  ideas 
in  this  book  must  stand  for  themselves.  I  claim  only 
to  be  the  messenger  of  these  ideas.  I  am  only  the  cornet 
on  which  Life  sounded  the  notes,  and  the  melody 
that  has  been  evoked  is  true  to  the  manipulation  of  the 
Master  Player.  I  was  absolutely  will-less  in  Life's 
hands.  And  so,  when  I  came  upon  the  trail  of  Truth 
I  cared  not  whither  it  would  lead.  I  indulged  no  pre 
conceived  notions  as  to  what  I  wanted  it  to  be,  or  to  be 
like.  Therefore  I  believe  myself  to  be  consistent  be 
cause  Life  is  consistent. 

Words,  words,  words !  How  can  you  express  Life — 
how  can  you  express  something  that  is  greater  than  you  ? 
You  have  your  place,  but  not  the  whole  place.  It  is 
you  that  make  Life  inconsistent  when  you  represent 
Life.  You  who  hearken  to  false  witnesses  will  give 
false  verdicts.  Words  themselves  will  tell  you  so,  and 
when  they  do  they  are  in  harmony  with  Life  and  are 
Life. 

I  saw  words  that  were  aflame  with  Life.  I  saw  words 
that  burned  like  living  fire.  I  saw  words  that  aroused 
anger  and  resentment;  and  words  that  calmed  the 
storms  of  passion ;  words  that  refreshed  and  invigorated 
like  the  friendly  rain  after  a  parching  drought.  I  saw 


"IT    IS    FINISHED"  253 

complex  words  and  I  saw  simple  words,  and  there  was 
Life  in  them  all.  I  saw  cruel  words  that  pierced  like 
daggers,  and  words  fraught  to  the  full  with  balm  of 
happiness.  When  words  take  their  rightful  place,  and 
are  satisfied  to  be  what  they  are — merely  words — how 
illimitable  their  sphere  enlarges — how  grand  and  potent 
they  become! 

The  words  in  this  book  are  the  words  of  Life.  It  re 
mains  for  you  to  decide  what  relationship  exists  be 
tween  you  and  the  words  in  this  volume.  Without 
effort  to  be  consistent  it  is  consistent;  and  by  tearing 
down  it  builds  up.  Its  education  of  you  progresses  as 
it  succeeds  in  tearing  away  the  mask  you  wear. 

Consistent!  I  am  consistent  when  I  do  not  con 
demn,  for  neither  does  Life  condemn.  Life  gives  itself 
alike  to  the  just  and  to  the  unjust.  And  I  am  consistent 
when  I  condemn,  for  Life,  too,  condemns. 

I  am  consistent  in  my  condemnation  of  you  when  you 
condemn  yourself  by  concealing  yourself  behind  a  mask. 
You  condemn  your  acts,  and  for  that  reason  you  cover 
them.  I  do  not  condemn  you  for  what  you  do,  but 
for  wearing  the  mask— the  mark  of  your  self-condemna 
tion. 

You  are  inconsistent  in  your  self-condemnation,  nor 
is  there  sincerity  in  it.  For  when  you  condemn  a  thing 
you  cover  it  over,  in  order  to  protect  and  conserve  the 
very  thing  you  condemn. 

What  Life  condemns  it  extirpates.  It  has  served  its 
time  and  its  occasion,  and  is  condemned  to  be  no  more. 


254  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

Life  executes  its  mandates,  and  from  its  judgment  there 
is  no  appeal. 

I  know  that  you  are  what  you  are  because  you  were 
what  you  were:  and  you  will  be  what  you  will  be  be 
cause  you  are  what  you  are.  The  action  of  Life  through 
me  upon  you  is  in  the  process.  I  condemn  your  con 
demnations,  and  by  condemning  them  I  destroy  that 
which  I  condemn,  and  leave  you  free  from  that  which  is 
condemned,  instead  of  shielding  you  and  protecting  that 
which  you  condemn. 

For,  look  you !  Life  it  is  and  Life  alone  that  has  the 
power  to  condemn,  for  the  thing  that  is  dead  is  con 
demned  to  its  grave,  while  you  have  fertilized  with  your 
concealments  the  things  you  have  condemned,  and  they 
have  flourished  under  your  condemnation. 

And  as  to  Ideals.  You  cannot  fall  short  of  your  high 
est  ideals  when  you  are  purged  and  cleansed  of  that 
within  you  which  condemns.  The  residue — the  real 
You — is  pure,  holy,  divine.  What  greater  ideal  could 
you  entertain  ? 

Nor  need  "  human  nature  "  be  changed  to  accomplish 
the  transformation.  Does  not  your  nature  help  me 
preserve  the  very  thing  which  I  wish  to  preserve  ?  You 
condemn,  but  nature  in  you,  which  is  my  Master  as  well 
as  yours,  preserves  that  which  I  need,  and  when  I  con 
demn  your  mask  to  be  shattered  to  fragments  you  will 
then  come  forth  like  the  little  chick  when  the  time  has 
come  for  its  emergence  from  its  imprisoning  shell. 
When  the  hour  strikes  you  will  heed  the  clarion  call  ol 


"IT    IS    FINISHED"  255 

Life  to  unmask — to  leave  the  outworn  shell  and  blighted 
mask  behind  which  you  were  to  get  the  experiences 
that  fitted  you  to  stand  forth  as  one  of  whom  it  might 
with  truth  be  said:  " It  is  Finished." 

Brother!  Sister!  Life  has  condemned  the  divided 
house  in  which  you  have  been  dwelling — condemned  it 
to  its  fall.  Life  has  condemned  in  you  the  old,  that  the 
new  may  become  established.  You  will  be  transformed 
into  Man  !  A  New  Man !  A  man  with  a  new  sense — 
a  sense  capable  of  conscious  happiness — of  a  happiness 
that  the  old  could  never  know.  A  peace,  indeed,  that 
passeth  understanding. 

Life  is  building  a  new  world,  and  preparing  new 
beings  to  inherit  the  fullness  thereof.  New  beings  that 
will  sense  the  full  fruition  of  the  comradeship  of  Man. 
Can  you  picture  an  ideal  destiny  transcending  this — 
that  you  are  in  the  laboratory  of  preparation  to  become 
a  master-builder  in  this  new-world  building  process  ? 
Yes,  Life  is  making  you  over  in  its  seething  crucible, 
that  you  may  realize  the  Joy  of  Life — such  joy  as  you 
have  never  known. 

The  old  world — the  shell  in  which  you  are  being 
formed — is  pleasureless  to  you.  You  conceive  of  pleas 
ure  only  by  the  intellectual  deduction  that  pleasure  en 
sues  when  pain  ceases.  Pleasure  and  pain  are  com 
rades  ;  one  follows  the  other  as  light  succeeds  darkness. 
So,  too,  does  happiness  follow  misery. 

It  will  come,  brother,  whether  you  want  it  so  or  not. 
You  cannot  stop  progress  any  more  than  you  can  stop 


256  THOUGHTS   OF  A  FOOL 

the  sun  from  shining.  To  stand  in  the  way  of  progress 
is  suicide — like  standing  in  the  way  of  an  express  train 
at  full  tilt;  you  are  ground  beneath  the  wheels,  while 
the  train  rushes  on,  heedless  of  the  trifle  that  has  sought 
to  stay  its  flight. 

Life  has  you  in  its  laboratory.  It  is  making  a  new 
man  of  you.  And  you  will  build  the  new  world.  A 
world  in  which  joy  will  be  in  everything  well  done. 
Work  will  be  a  pleasure.  A  new  civilization  approaches. 
It  will  bring  with  it  new  concepts — new  concepts  of 
work.  Man  has  passed  through  the  theological  civiliza 
tion  to  the  capitalistic,  and  our  concept  of  work  has 
changed  in  the  process.  In  the  theological  civilization 
all  human  activity,  mental  and  industrial,  sprang  from 
the  church.  All  that  was  achieved  was  done  in  the 
name  of  the  church — God  and  the  church. 

Painter  and  sculptor  spent  their  lives  in  embellishing 
a  cathedral.  Labor  was  deemed  a  curse  of  God  on 
man.  You  must  labor  because  you  have  sinned,  was 
the  call  of  the  church  to  diligence.  All  the  "better" 
industries  were  fostered  by  the  church,  and  the  laborer 
was  a  galley  slave.  The  redemption  of  Adam  was  to 
be  a  surcease  from  exertion.  Labor  was  esteemed  a 
punishment  for  sin,  and  Salvation  was  a  promise  of  end 
less  idleness. 

Man  went  to  war  for  the  church,  for  then  the  church 
was  supreme.  Now  capital  is  supreme  in  the  minds  of 
men,  and  with  the  newer  sovereignty  comes  a  remodeled 
philosophy.  Work  is  no  longer  viewed  as  a  curse.  We 


"IT  IS   FINISHED"  257 

work  because  of  our  present  needs  rather  than  because 
of  a  desire  to  expiate  the  sin  of  Adam.  Nor  do  we  now 
kill  people  for  God's  sake  or  for  the  greater  glory  of  the 
church.  We  do  our  killing  in  the  name  of  Commerce, 
for  the  establishment  of  broader  markets.  Expansion 
is  our  war-cry.  When  a  railway  magnate  declares  that 
God  in  his  wisdom  had  given  him  and  his  associates 
control  over  the  coal  deposits  of  Pennsylvania,  the  good 
people  laughed  at  him.  Not  because  they  disputed  the 
ownership  of  the  select.  No,  they  concede  thus  much. 
They  smiled  at  Mr.  Baer's  anachronism.  He  was 
some  centuries  behind  the  times,  invoking  a  dethroned 
sovereign  instead  of  the  recognized  reigning  monarch. 
Five  centuries  ago  all  ownership  was  justified  as  from 
the  grace  of  God,  and  no  one  had  then  the  temerity  to 
laugh  the  pretension  to  scorn. 

In  the  new  civilization — in  the  new  world  that  is  to 
be  built  by  man  for  Man,  rather  than  for  God  and 
Capital — work  will  assume  a  newer  and  saner  phase. 
We  will  work  because  of  the  pleasure  we  shall  derive 
from  serving.  We  will  serve  well  because  we  will  love 
well.  And  he  will  be  greatest  among  us  who  serves 
most,  until  in  the  common  love  and  service  all  distinc 
tions  of  greatness  will  be  dissolved  in  the  effulgence  of 
boundless,  bondless  Love. 

Can  you  conceive  of  this  ?  Can  you  see  the  new 
world  coming  ? 

Yes,  it  is  coming,  and  it  will  be  built  by  you. 

Yes,  you  are  condemned  to  the  cross  of  the  great  prep- 


258  THOUGHTS  OF  A  FOOL 

aration,  that  in  your  resurrection  you  may  build  a  new 
world,  here  and  Now. 

So,  you  see,  that  mask  of  yours  served  its  purpose. 
You  were  at  a  masquerade,  and  it  was  fitting  you  should 
wear  your  mask.  But  midnight  approaches.  Only  a 
few  minutes  more,  and  life  will  remove  all  masks.  Then 
you  shall  stand  revealed  to  me  as  you  are,  and  you  shall 
see  me  as  I  Am.  And  we  will  recognize  each  other  as 
comrades,  and  laugh  together  at  the  way  we  fooled 
each  other  with  our  sham. 

Hark !     Do  you  hear  the  gong  ? 

Lo !  the  hour  is  at  hand. 

TAKE  OFF  YOUR  MASKS. 


DATE  DUE 


GAYLORD 


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